The Winners and Losers of Super Bowl XLV

7 02 2011

Yesterday, while you were stuffing your faces with wings, pizza and nachos and talking about “that really funny commercial where the guy uses Doritos to bring old people back from the dead,” there was an actual football game being played. The Super Bowl. The championship of the National Football League.

In this Super Bowl game (and what a great game it was), one team played much better than the other. The Green Bay Packers being the former; the Pittsburgh Steelers, the latter.

While I can go on and on for several paragraphs about how I predicted the score of the game to be Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 24, 11 HOURS BEFORE THE GAME, I will spare you the incessant bragging that my friends and family will be subject to for the next few days (read: weeks).

(By the way, in case you get internet access under that huge rock, the final score of last night’s game was Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 25. Yeah, I was off by one point. ONE POINT.)

I can also go on and on about the fact that the numbers I (and 15 other people) had in our Super Bowl pool were 5 and 5 and 1 and 4, meaning that Mike Tomlin’s decision to go for a now meaningless two-point conversion after Pittsburgh’s final touchdown not only prevented me from going Nostradamus on the final score, but it ALSO prevented me from raking in some cash (fake money, of course). Of course, Green Bay’s failure to score one last touchdown and make the final score 35-25 also provided the same fate.

Since, I already lied to you and rambled for multiple paragraphs about what bets I lost and how I almost predicted the final score, I’ll get to the main point of this: my official Winners and Losers of Super Bowl XLV.

Winners:

  • The Green Bay Packers. While this is obvious, it needs to be said. Yesterday, they became only the second sixth-seed to win a Super Bowl in NFL history, and they did it the hard way, going through Philadelphia, Atlanta and Chicago, all on the road, before reaching North Texas. Yesterday, they silenced the doubters and did what no other team has been able to do thus far—they beat Ben Roethlisberger in the Super Bowl.
  • Aaron Rodgers. He finally got the monkey (that monkey is Brett Favre, by the way) off of his back and picked up a Super Bowl MVP in the process—something that Brett Favre never did.
  • Jordy Nelson. Talk about a big-time performance on the game’s biggest stage. Nine catches for 140 yards and one touchdown. Somewhere, Wes Welker is shaking his fists at the television, in danger of losing his throne as the Most Relevant White Wide Receiver.
  • Doritos and Pepsi. They had arguably the funniest commercials of the night. If you missed any of them, that’s what YouTube is for.
  • The 400 people who were kicked out of the Super Bowl because there weren’t enough seats. In case you didn’t hear this story, the Fire Marshall ended up removing a large number of temporary seats before kick-off. Most of the fans with these tickets were relocated to seats that were comparable or better than their original seats, however 400 fans could not be accommodated and were forced to leave the stadium and watch the game from outside. So you might be asking, “Well how exactly are these people winners? They paid for Super Bowl tickets and then got kicked out of the stadium.” Well, it’s because after the game had ended, NFL officials, fearing massive PR backlash, granted the 400 displaced fans on-field access for the post-game ceremony, gave them free food, drinks and merchandise, reimbursed them for TRIPLE the amount of money that their tickets were worth (around $2,400) AND gave them free tickets for next year’s Super Bowl. Is that a fair trade? Yeah, I’d say so.
  • James Starks. He wasn’t called upon a whole lot yesterday (the Packers only ran the ball 11 times all game) but when he was, he came up big and did enough to open the passing lanes for Aaron Rodgers. Most importantly, he has made a name for himself since the postseason began, and may become legitimate competition for Ryan Grant and the starting job once Grant returns from injury next season (assuming there is a next season).

 

Losers:

  • Jerry Jones’s hopes of ever hosting another Super Bowl in Dallas. Between the whole fiasco of not having enough seats to accommodate fans who payed thousands of dollars for their tickets, and the winter storm that plowed through Dallas last week, making travel difficult and putting a damper on the Super Bowl week festivities, you can be rest assured that the NFL is a little more than fed up with Dallas. The stadium is nice though! Oh and by the way, who else is going to have fun at the 2014 Super Bowl at New Meadowlands Stadium with a wind chill of eight degrees? I WILL!
  • Humanity. I don’t know how many of you caught this last night, but there was a Chevy Cruze commercial that advertised live, real-time Facebook newsfeed updates that could be streamed directly to your car. So you can check your Facebook while you’re driving! I have never been more embarrassed for my generation than I was at the moment I saw that commercial. This is the beginning of the end.
  • Anyone who watched the halftime show. As my brother said about halfway through the first song, “I don’t even think the Black Eyed Peas like the Black Eyed Peas.” That about sums it up. It was painful to watch, and having to listen to Fergie do her best Axl Rose impression and take a crack at a cover of “Sweet Child of Mine” with Slash, was the cherry on top. Next year, can we go back to having geriatric rock bands who make good music and don’t dress like Buzz Lightyear?
  • Brett Favre. Wow, what a rough year for Brett. It began last January, when he was picked off in overtime of the NFC Championship Game against New Orleans, costing Minnesota a trip to the Super Bowl. Then it all began to snowball. He was dragged back to Minneapolis by Brad Childress for one last season, then the Vikings fell flat out of the gate, Childress was fired, Brett flushed his reputation completely down the toilet with the Jenn Sterger saga, his streak ended, his hand turned purple and then, as if that all wasn’t bad enough, he had to watch as the guy who took his place in Green Bay won a Super Bowl title and a Super Bowl MVP. That’s a pretty bad year, by anyone’s standards.

 

Well, that’s all I can think of for right now. If you have any other winners and losers from last night’s game that I didn’t mention, feel free to leave a comment below.

Good article Sean. I just had a few changes to make. Mainly, I fixed a few typos and grammatical errors and removed some serial commas and other excess commas. I reworded a few sentences to eliminate some excess verbiage and clean up the text a little and I also inserted some em-dashes in places where they were missing. All in all, I think you did a great job.

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Making Sense of Week 10

16 11 2009

With the Giants not playing yesterday, I had a better chance to really absorb the other games going on around the league and take a closer look into some of the more interesting stories that unfolded in Week 10 of this NFL season. There were more than a few interesting subplots to take away from yesterday’s action. From near-upsets to head-scratching coaching decisions, Week 10 was like one long of episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Moments of laughter, moments of confusion and moments that make you wonder, “Did he really just do that?” But above all those things, yesterday just proved to me, once again, that I really do not have a clue how to pick NFL games.

  • Since I’m likely to finish below .500 in my picks for the second straight week, I’d like to at least take a few sentences to acknowledge that I am capable of getting something right. In my Week 10 picks column, I wrote that Vince Young had revitalized the Titans in a way that they desperately needed. He provides an extra intangible spark that Kerry Collins didn’t possess and with him on the field it seems that the team as a whole is playing with a lot more confidence now. That has never been more apparent than yesterday’s 41-17 thrashing of the Buffalo Bills. Of course I’m aware that they beat the Bills and not the Colts, but Tennessee has now won three in a row with Young under center.  I’m aware that anyone with even a portion of a normally-functioning brain could tell that replacing Collins as the starter would spark the Titans, but I still feel proud to be able to salvage some sliver of wisdom from my defeated and drained psyche.
  • I’m aware that even the best teams in the league have their off days, but the Saints really escaped with one yesterday. And by escaped, I mean that they did everything but have Michael Scofield tattoo prison blueprints to his body and get arrested so he could help them escape. The Saints were sloppy yesterday, but the fact that they somehow managed to stick with their gameplan and survive even on their worst of days to stay undefeated, makes them that much better. And if that doesn’t make a lot of sense to you now, just wait until the playoffs and you’ll see what I mean. A 9-0 team that loses a sloppy, meaningless Week 10 game to the Rams loses a little bit of their swagger, even if its not immediately noticeable. On the other hand, a 9-0 team that barely escapes the upset and ekes out a win over the Rams in a meaningless Week 10 game gains something from that win. Believe it or not.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals. I’ve been fawning over them all season like I’m a teenage girl from 1994 and the Bengals are Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell. Of course I haven’t been able to pay as much attention to them as I’d like because I took up a seat on the Broncos bandwagon after Week 1 and I have been riding shotgun there ever since. But yesterday, as much as I talked up their defense all week and even though I took them in my picks column, there was something in the back of my mind that told me that they couldn’t beat the Steelers on the road in the most important game of the season thus far in the AFC North. And then they did. 18-12. They scored the only touchdown of the entire game on Bernard Scott’s 96-yard kickoff return in the first quarter and 4 Shayne Graham field goals later, the Bengals are 7-2 and all alone in first place in the AFC North. With a 5-0 record within the division, they are in the driver’s seat right now, having swept both the Ravens and the defending Super Bowl champs and one more meeting with the hapless Browns is the only thing that stand between Cincy and a 6-0 record in the AFC North and possibly a first-round bye in the playoffs. Needless to say, I vacated the Broncos bandwagon after yesterday’s disaster in Washington so quickly that I think I left a vapor trail and now I’m on the waiting list for the Cincinnati bandwagon. I know I should have come to them sooner.
  • Speaking of the Broncos, they are slumping, and they are slumping big time. And speaking of slumping, there’s another team that continued its struggles yesterday that starts with “Atlanta” and ends with “Falcons”. While the Broncos were busy dropping their third straight game to a Redskins team that can’t get out of its own way, the Falcons went ahead and lost for the third time in four games. Atlanta, now 5-4 after a 4-1 start to the season, apparently has a strong case of the homesick blues as all four of their losses have come away from the Georgia Dome. The road woes will be in play once again next week as the Falcons travel to Giants Stadium to take on a Giants team that is also struggling. In addition, Atlanta might be without star running back Michael Turner, who rolled his ankle yesterday in the second quarter, after piling up 111 yards on only 9 carries. While this could be disastrous for my already sinking fantasy team, it’s a good thing for Giants fans, which I am. The Broncos aren’t without injury issues of their own, as Kyle Orton went down with an ankle injury yesterday as well. Chris Simms started the second half for Denver, which might seem like a bad thing, until you realize that the difference between Kyle Orton and Chris Simms is like the difference between Sweet & Low and Equal. They’re both bad for you, but one is a little less worse. Fortunately for both teams, the Falcons still have two games to play against the Bucs and the Broncos play in the same division as the Raiders and Chiefs. Hope remains.
  • The Dallas Cowboys are not really making it hard for me to question their legitimacy. They put on a strong performance one week and then have a game like they did against the Kansas City Chiefs the week after. Last week, they seemed to be in top form; and then yesterday they get shutout by Green Bay for 58 minutes. I’m not saying the Packers are bad, because they are far from it, but this is a Packers defense that got torched for 38 points by Tampa Bay last week and are apparently having identity issues themselves. Romo looked his usual, scared self, and most importantly, Dallas just could not get the run game going with Marion Barber being held to only 26 yards on 5 carries. Romo was forced to throw the ball 39 times, and everybody knows that when Tony Romo is throwing the ball 39 times, things are not going well. Had I stayed home to watch football yesterday, I would have been stuck watching the Cowboys-Packers with nothing else to toggle back-and-forth between. However, I decided to go to the local sports pub for the 4:00 games and possibly saved myself from sticking bamboo up my fingernails to ease the torture of a 3-0 game in the 4th quarter combined with the drone of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.
  • What will possibly end up being the most-talked-about story of yesterday and the most heavily questioned coaching decision in recent memory happened during last night’s much anticipated, annual Patriots-Colts battle. With the Pats up 34-28 and just over 2 minutes to play, Bill Belichick opted to go for it on a 4th and 2 with the ball on the Pats’ own 28-yard line. As Tom Brady came back on the field and the team lined up to go for it, all I remember is that I kept repeating, “No they’re not, they can’t be” as I watched in horror. Sure enough, they did not convert and at the two-minute warning, with three full timeouts left, Peyton Manning had but a mere 28 yards to take his team for the game-winning touchdown. Instead of punting it away and leaving Manning with maybe 60 or 70 yards to march in 2 minutes, Belichick made Peyton’s job at least 50% easier for him. In case Bill wasn’t aware of this, Peyton Manning is perhaps one of the few players in the NFL that you don’t want to ever make things easier for. It’s already easy for him. Is it highly possibly that Manning would take the Colts down the field for the score anyway, even if New England punted? Yes, very possible. BUT WHY MAKE HIS JOB EASIER? It took Indy four plays until Manning found Reggie Wayne in the endzone. 35-34, game over, Colts stay undefeated. Not only did the Patriots blow a 34-21 lead with 4 minutes to play and possibly a chance to recapture the throne of power in the AFC, but their supposedly genius coach suffered one of the most epic brain farts of all time. I swear that I’ve made decisions with a BAC of 2.25 that were better than that decision to go for it on fourth down.
  • And before I sign off for the rest of the week and mentally prepare myself for the Giants-Falcons game on Sunday, it would not be right if I didn’t get in at least one dig at the New York Jets. Not only has Gang Green dropped 5 of their last 6 games after their rather arrogant 3-0 start, but they’ve lost to the Dolphins twice, the Bills and now the Jacksonville Jaguars, with 3 of those losses coming on their home turf. Forget for the second that somehow the Jaguars are 5-4, losing to Jacksonville, Miami and Buffalo at home is not going to make a lot of people believers. Keep up the good work, and you might be able to salvage a 6-10 record out of this season.

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NFL Week 5 Picks: Still Unharmed by Braylon Edwards’ Posse

9 10 2009

It’s very possible that I jinxed myself going into last week’s picks. Then again, this is the NFL, one league where anything is possible, including the possibility that I may be wrong from time to time. I was wrong exactly 50% of the time last week. A lot of things happened this week in the wild and crazy world of the National Football League and I will let you know that if my fantasy team loses again this week I’m either retiring from the game altogether, or applying for a job in the Mets front office.

Here’s the Week 5 picks, home teams in ALL CAPS

Minnesota (-10) over ST. LOUIS

I’m not a Packers fan, nor will I ever be, but I can only imagine that watching Brett Favre completely destroy their team on Monday night was the football equivalent of watching your father divorce your mother and then start hooking up with your ex-girlfriend that you absolutely hate. Seeing him celebrate after throwing that first touchdown pass was the dagger through the heart…kind of like if you accidentally walked in on your father getting it on with your ex-girlfriend that you absolutely hate. I want to let the entire state of Wisconsin know that I am sorry and I feel for you.

Dallas (-8) over KANSAS CITY

The Cowboys are having some difficulty scoring points lately, which wouldn’t really be too big of a problem if they had a good defense, but they don’t. Luckily, it doesn’t take a lot of points to beat Kansas City. It actually doesn’t take a lot of anything to beat them.

CAROLINA (-3.5) over Washington

Listen to this fact nugget: So far this season the Washington Redskins have yet to face a team with a win. How is that possible in Week 5, you might ask. Well, the only teams the Redskins have played so far that are not still winless are the Giants and the Lions. Washington played the Giants in Week 1 and the Lions in Week 3. Both teams picked up their first win of the season against Washington. That streak will continue this week as the Redskins face the winless Panthers, and if the Cowboys beat the Chiefs on Sunday, that streak will extend all the way into Week 6, which should be some kind of NFL record. Needless to say, the Redskins have an awfully easy first half of the season, and this is probably why they’re 2-2. After their bye week, it gets daunting with the Falcons, Broncos, Cowboys, Eagles and Saints all in a row. Say goodnight to your season, Redskins fans!

PHILADELPHIA (-15) over Tampa Bay

This is officially the biggest line of the week, edging out the Giants-Raiders line by a half point. With that said, I’m pretty sure the Eagles have played the Bucs already this season. Whether or not Philly is trying to pull a fast one on the league, let’s just say that McNabb is back from his McRib injury and the Eagles will slap the Bucs all over the field.

NY GIANTS (-14.5) over Oakland

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if Eli was going to play on Sunday, and although it answered “All Signs Point to Yes”, I can’t really believe it until I see him out there on the field. However, if he’s to miss any games this year, I’d rather it be against the Raiders. I mean, even David Carr can beat Oakland. Just look at his stat line for that game! WOW! I really, really hate taking the Giants when they’re giving this many points, but consider this a testament to just how awful the Raiders are. I’m actually surprised that Vegas hasn’t rolled out a prop bet to gamble on the amount of passing yards that JaMarcus Russell has each week yet. I’m going to set the over/under at 80 yards this week. Anyone?

Cleveland (+6) over BUFFALO

How far away are we from our first T.O. meltdown? Two weeks? Two days? I’m completely in the dark here. How long before he’s camped out in the bushes by Trent Edwards’ house with a paintball gun and a Scream mask?

BALTIMORE (-8.5) over Cincinnati

This game will be the turning point in deciding how I bet on the Ravens and Bengals for the rest of the year. Is 8.5 points giving them more credit than they deserve against a possibly frisky Bengals team? Or is the uncomfortably close game against Cleveland last week a sign that Cincy isn’t quite ready yet? I don’t know about this one. Let’s just give Baltimore the benefit of the doubt.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) over DETROIT

Steelers Nation needs to hold its horses right now. Last week’s win over San Diego wasn’t exactly the resurrection of a sleeping giant. The Steelers showed all of the problems towards the tail end of that game that they’ve been exhibiting all season: they go limp in the fourth quarter. I don’t care if they still ended up winning by 10 and covering the spread. The Bolts scored 21 points in the 4th. That’s not good football. In the past three games, the Steelers have allowed 45 points in the fourth quarter alone. They lost two of them. They could very well have lost last week too, if the Chargers had even some semblance of a defense. And what is with Rashard Mendenhall? Willie Parker couldn’t rush for 100 yards if the other team took their defense off the field and he comes in and runs for 165 yards? Actually, I don’t even want to talk about it.

Atlanta (+2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

This should be a very interesting game, to say the least. Apparently the Niners have impressed enough people so far this season to earn being 2.5 point favorites over the Falcons. Either that or the Falcons have just looked plain underwhelming. I think it’s a little bit of both, to be honest. Also, the 49ers are officially ushering in the start of the Michael Crabtree Era in San Fran and Michael Turner is disappearing faster than Jamal Anderson right now. This is not good. Is it safe to say that if the 49ers win this, they pretty much have the NFC West locked up? Too early?

New England (-3) over DENVER

Somehow, the Denver Broncos are 4-0. Their defense looked stellar last week against Dallas….but was it their defense that was so good, or the Cowboys offense that’s so bad? Yet another prime example of the “It’s Still Too Early to Tell Which One” Game. Either way, the Patriots are slowly rejuvenating. It’s like watching your best friend get back into the dating world after a divorce. It’s going to take some time to acclimate and get up to speed again, but soon he’ll be back at full strength. So I guess Brady’s injury would be the divorce….? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Houston (+5.5) over ARIZONA

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON THIS TEXANS SEASON! It’s still too early. You can’t make me take the Cardinals giving 5.5 points. Andre Johnson vs. Larry Fitzgerald. My fantasy team might never recover if Johnson has a bad game on Sunday. In no way does my fantasy team affect how I make my picks. Not at all….

Jacksonville (PK) over SEATTLE

This game is so unappealing that Vegas couldn’t even decide on a line. They didn’t want to spend more than 30 seconds thinking about either team. You think the NFL might intentionally black out this game so nobody has to see it? Except for the poor Seahawks fans that had to pay for tickets.

Indianapolis (-3.5) over TENNESSEE

I might say that the Colts are the best team in the AFC right now, and I may be right. Still, I haven’t seen enough of them yet to really put any conviction behind that statement. So I’ll be watching on Sunday night. By the way, is it just me, or have the Colts played on either Sunday night or Monday night every week so far? It feels like it. Also, I’m not picking the Colts because I signed Pierre Garcon and the Indy D off of waivers this week. I’m serious, it doesn’t affect my decision at all.

MIAMI (+2) over NY Jets

Welcome to the Chad Henne Era! Let’s do this! The Wildcat will account for about 78% of the Dolphins offense on Monday night. The Jets will stop it every time. I’m still picking against Sanchez on the road in his first night game though, even with the addition of Braylon “Dropsy” Edwards.

Last Week: 7-7

Season Total: 40-22


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MEGA, SUPERSIZED, COLOSSAL 2009 NFL Season Preview, Parts III and IV (Double Issue!)

8 09 2009

Buckle your seat belts and get ready for me to bang out my AFC preview in one post and no less than 3,000 words. Clear your schedule before reading this.

AFC East

1) New England Patriots (13-3)

This was probably one of the easiest choices I’ve ever had to make in my writing career. Which team to pick to win the AFC East. I don’t know if I can make a legitimate case for anybody in this division other than the Patriots when Tom Brady is healthy. And before you accuse me of melting and fawning in the presence of Tom Brady like Turtle in Entourage, just know that I don’t have a man-crush on him, I just WATCH FOOTBALL. I was there for the 16-0 season, I lived it. (I also lived Super Bowl XLII, but that’s okay (That was my one obligatory SBXLII reference for this column, sorry for the double parentheses.)) The Patriots are far and away the best team in this division. Even Brian Hoyer managed to shred the Giants second and third string defenses last night. The Chiefs will probably sign him to a $600 million dollar contract next offseason.

2) Buffalo Bills (10-6)

I still believe that this team is better than most people take them to be. If you can remember this far back, they did start last season with a 5-1 record, but 3 of those wins were against Seattle, Oakland and St. Louis. They then proceeded to lose 8 of their last 10 games and finish a stealthy 0-6 against division opponents. So the 5-1 start may have been the product of smoke and mirrors and slight of hand, but the addition of Terrell Owens isn’t going to hurt. Hate T.O. all you want, but he never fails to produce, and this season in Buffalo, he’ll do something else very important: he’ll draw double coverage from most teams leaving the dangerous Josh Reed and Lee Evans more room to make big plays. If Marshawn Lynch stays healthy and doesn’t disappear off the face of the earth like he did last season and if Trent Edwards is at least semi-competent, the Bills can finish second. That’s about it though.

3) New York Jets (8-8)

I’m not sold on Mark Sanchez and I probably never will be sold on Mark Sanchez unless he is not Mark Sanchez anymore or if the Jets win their first 9 or 10 games this season. Otherwise, I’ll pass. It probably has a lot to do with his GQ spread before even playing a single down in the NFL and the fact that he went pro after one full season at USC and magically became a Top-10 pick. Something about that just rubs me the wrong way. Say what you will, but I’m a skeptic. I’m a skeptic because I don’t believe in Mark Sanchez and I’m a skeptic because Mark Sanchez has nobody to throw to. As a Giants fan, I know I shouldn’t be throwing stones and all, but Jerricho Cotchery is Jerricho Cotchery. They are what we thought they were.

4) Miami Dolphins (8-8)

Let’s assume that just about every team in the league is now aware of the Wildcat offense by now. It’s a safe assumption. Let’s assume that the Dolphins can no longer pull the wool over your eyes and run this crazy offensive scheme where Ronnie Brown is taking direct snaps and Chad Pennington is catching passes, because we know it’s coming now. Let’s assume that the Dolphins will no longer be capable of scoring 48 points against the Patriots this season. Now let’s also assume that Chad Pennington starts playing like Chad Pennington and not like a real quarterback, which is what he looked like for most of last season. Then what do we have left? We have the Miami Dolphins we all know and love; overwhelmingly mediocre.

AFC North

1) Baltimore Ravens (13-3)

The Ravens were one of the teams that impressed me the most in last year’s playoffs. Ultimately, the Ravens demise in the AFC Championship against Pittsburgh was rookie quarterback Joe Flacco, who was so impressive during the regular season. But it was what was expected of a young quarterback, playing in probably the biggest game of his life to that point. In his second season now, I expect Flacco to make even bigger strides in improving his game management and limiting his mistakes. He has a solid arm and great efficiency and we already know that Baltimore can run the football. Willis McGahee, LeRon McClain and Ray Rice will split carries again this year and look for Rice to be more productive as a pass-catching back as well. Do I even have to even mention the defense? We all know that the Ravens D is the cream of the crop, second only to the next team….Pittsburgh. So why do I have B-More winning the division? Because I like to be different, and because they impressed me in the playoffs last seaso—- I don’t want to repeat myself, you get it.

2) Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)

I know, they’re the defending champions, and blahblahblah. The post-Super Bowl slump is a real thing though, it does exist. Just ask the Giants. Sure, they finished 12-4 last year, but did you see that Philadelphia game?  Exactly. Plus, two Super Bowl rings or not, I still feel the same way about Ben Roethlisberger as I did when he was a rookie: meh. Basically what I’m saying is that their defense should still win them about 5 or 6 games this season and Ben will do just enough to not lose in another 6.

3) Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)

Call me a victim of solid editing by HBO, but the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals are starting to grow on me. I’m a big fan of the Hard Knocks series and this season definitely is not lacking in the entertainment category. Unfortunately, entertainment doesn’t win you football games in the NFL. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. Sure, “Kiss the Baby” might catch on as the next ridiculous catch-phrase in sports, but Esteban needs to catch a few more touchdown passes than he did last year (4) for the Bengals to be relevant. It helps that Carson Palmer is back from last season’s injury and having him under center instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick is definitely good for at least 3 or 4 more wins. When he’s at 100%, there’s not denying that he’s one of the most talented quarterbacks in the league, so Cincinnati will improve with him back on the field.

4) Cleveland Browns (4-12)

There are a lot of funny quarterback battles this season. Between Luke McCown and Byron Leftwich in Tampa Bay (Leftwich won and McCown was just traded to Jacksonville), Alex Smith and Shaun Hill in San Francisco and Mark Sanchez and Kellen Clemens in New York, nothing tops the one going on in Cleveland right now. Derek Anderson vs. Brady Quinn. Nothing says “Rebuilding Year” like having Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn fighting over the quarterback position. Plus, Braylon Edwards would probably drop his own child if it was thrown at him.

AFC South

1) Indianapolis Colts (12-4)

Don’t write off the Colts this season, even with Tony Dungy leaving and Peyton Manning another year older, they’re still the same Indianapolis Colts and believe it or not, he’s still the same Peyton Manning. They didn’t impress a lot of people in the playoffs last year, getting ousted by San Diego in the first round, but the Chargers were one of the hottest teams in the league at that point and they have always had Peyton’s number. He has never had much luck against the 3-4 defense. Manning seems to be getting comfortable with the new system installed by new head coach Jim Caldwell and the Colts should enjoy themselves another solid season.

2) Tennessee Titans (10-6)

The Titans were one of the big surprises of 2008 and coasted into the playoffs with the best record in the AFC before being shut down in the Divisional Playoffs by Baltimore. What happened was that the Ravens played a very similar brand of football as Tennessee, stingy defense, solid running game, real smash-mouth football — only they played it better.  The fact of the matter is that Kerry Collins is good for only 1 of those seasons like he had last year (trust me, as a Giants fan, I would know this) and so don’t expect too much from him this year. Expect them to do much of the same as what won them 13 games last year, only this time they won’t be sneaking up on anybody.

3) Houston Texans (9-7)

This team is slowly getting better and better each season, and people are noticing. Not enough people yet, but the word is getting around. What the Texans really need this season is for Matt Schaub to stay healthy for 16 games. Schaub has a hell of an arm and a solid bunch of receivers to throw to. Andre Johnson put up Pro Bowl numbers last season, most of them coming with Sage Rosenfels throwing to him, and Kevin Walter is one of those quiet, under-the-radar guys that put up 10 TD’s last season without anyone really noticing. Add talented TE Owen Daniels to the mix and Steve Slaton, one of last year’s breakout rookies and there is a great, young team to watch in Houston. Oh, and their defense is pretty good too.

4) Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)

I’ll be honest, I don’t know that much about the 2009 Jacksonville Jaguars. I just know that they were 5-11 last season and that I’ve heard very little about them since training camp started. So I can only assume that they’re pretty much the same guys that were 5-11 last season. Am I right? Correct me if I’m not. Maurice Jones-Drew will put up some great fantasy numbers, but I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in David Garrard. Luckily the Jags have another option now at quarterback just in case things get shaky…they just acquired Luke McCown in a trade from Tampa Bay. At least football fans in North Florida still have the Seminoles to get excited about. Wait, what was that? They lost their season-opener to Miami last night? Sorry I mentioned it then.

AFC West

1) San Diego Chargers (14-2)

Luckily, the last division of this preview is also one of the least exciting divisions in football right now. The Chargers went into the playoffs last season as possibly the hottest team in football, but just couldn’t out-muscle the Steelers. However, don’t forget that they won this division at 8-8. It was equal parts of San Diego winning the division and equal parts of Denver giving the division away to the lowest bidder, and the Chargers are certainly not without flaw. In fact they are far from perfect. They are talented though and have a gunslinger for a quarterback, plus they get to play 6 games against the Broncos, Chiefs and Raiders, which should be enough to win the division on its own. Basically, I have to get behind an AFC team and I choose to be unoriginal and go with the Bolts. Don’t expect me to pick them in the playoffs though, because the man standing on the sidelines with the clipboard is still Norv Turner.

2) Denver Broncos (7-9)

They tried their absolute hardest to lose this division last season, and that was when they still had Jay Cutler. Also before Brandon Marshall completely lost his mind. I’m getting angry while I write this. I actually used to respect the Broncos but I don’t know — I can’t do this anymore, forget it.

3) Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)

The winners of the Matt Cassel Sweepstakes! They’ll have a fun year convincing themselves that they didn’t overpay for someone else’s back-up. I have faith that Cassel will be good for a few extra wins. Plus, Cassel-to-Bowe seems like an exciting possibility. Hey Kansas City, let’s keep Larry Johnson out of bars this season!

4) Oakland Raiders (3-13)

Games won in the last six seasons: 24. Games lost in the last six seasons: 72. Last season with more than 5 wins: 2002. Is Al Davis still alive? Probably. All bad signs for the 2009 Raiders. What’s even worse is that Al Davis is convincing himself on his deathbed, that JaMarcus Russell is the future of Oakland Raiders football.  What’s ironic is that the definition of a black hole (the Raiders’ name for their rabid section of armor-clad, face-painted fans), is a dying star that has collapsed on itself. Much like the Oakland Raiders.





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