In the Win Column

As Bill Simmons would say, anytime you have the opportunity to witness the worst sports day in recent memory and do a running diary at the same time, you have to do it, right? Four hours after the Giants showed up in Philly and then were promptly chased out of the city to the tune of 40-17, the Yankees and Phillies get set to do battle across the street. Anyone who reads me already knows how I feel about the Giants and the Yankees (complete opposite ends of the love/hate spectrum) so there’s no need to waste time explaining the situation. The Giants played like Rick Moranis’s team from the Little Giants today and suddenly, instead of being mentioned among the top 5 teams in the NFL, I’m now hoping we can salvage a 6-10 record out of this season. That’s how bad it looked. To make things better, Carsten Charles Sabathia is on the mound tonight against Mean Joe Blanton with a 2-1 series lead. I know his nickname isn’t really Mean Joe, but I don’t think he has much else going for him other than a made-up nickname so we’ll keep it. Suffice to say, the Yankees winning tonight and moving to within one win of a World Series title, coupled with the Giants losing their third game in a row by a combined 51 points is probably God’s way of saying “Maybe you shouldn’t watch sports anymore.” So think of this running diary as a sort of suicide note for my life as a sports fan. You know, if worst comes to worst.

8:00 – The clocks were turned back an hour last night, so it’s 8:00 but Phillies fans are technically working with a 9:00 buzz, which would make them approximately 4.17% more drunk. I’ll take anything I can get right now.

8:04 – I just learned last night that the FOX World Series music is actually the theme music from North and South, a mini series about the Civil War starring the late Patrick Swayze. I don’t know why this is relevant, but at least it’s more relevant than anything coming out of Ozzie Guillen’s mouth right now.

8:06 – Here are some of my tweets from last night’s game, to kind of give you a feel for the direction that this series seems to be going in:

“Jayson is Werth a lot to this Phillies team right now! HA! Get it?”

“Hey what are the odds of that!? Not the ball hitting the camera, but that the umps actually got a call right!”

“Hamels’ night was over the second that Jeffrey Maier dressed up a camera and caught A-Rod’s home run ball.”

“About eight batters too late, Grady Manuel.”

“So when is Ryan Howard’s Memorial Service? I hope it’s an open casket.”

“Utley homered twice in Game 1, Werth goes deep twice tonight…Howard, still nothing. Yep, I’m gonna keep beating this into the ground.”

“‘McCarver: Rollins was coming from the second base side of second base.’ That joke just made itself.”

“Ryan Howard’s funeral service will be held tomorrow at 5 p.m. in between the Giants-Eagles game and Game 4 of the World Series. Bring flowers.”

“Hey Phillies, good luck tomorrow night pitching Joe Blanton against Carsten Charles. This series is more over than the Gosselin’s marriage.”

8:13 – Is it true that the Philly Phanatic is batting in the clean-up spot in place of Howard tonight?

8:19 – If the Phillies win tonight, Manuel looks smart for saving Cliff Lee for Game 5 and not pushing him to start on short rest….on the other hand if they lose, the series is pretty much over.

8:22 – First pitch of the game is a strike. You know what that means…..it’s an 0-1 count to Jeter.

8:23 – Utley almost makes an incredible play but slips on the wet grass and Jeter has a lead-off infield single. So much for wearing cleats….

8:24 – Damon rips a double off Blanton, Yankees have runners on 2nd and 3rd with nobody out. There’s not even a Sunday night football game on. I might overdose on Nyquil before the 3rd inning.

8:26 – The first pitch was 4 minutes ago and it’s already 1-0 Yankees. Thanks a lot, Mean Joe.

8:26 – A-Rod is hit by a pitch for the second time in two nights. Both benches have been warned, which means Hamburglar Sabathia can’t retaliate now. I read something earlier today that said the Phillies might throw at Yankees batters tonight, but I thought it was a joke like the Giants defense today. Either way, there are runners on the corners and 1 out and Joe Blanton already looks like he borrowed Eli Manning’s “Oh sh–, what am I doing here?” face.

8:30 – 2-0 Yankees, 8 minutes into the game. I think God is now saying, “Okay, you’re not going to turn this game off? Watch me, I’ll make you. I SWEAR I WILL MAKE YOU QUIT SPORTS.”

8:34 – Did Sabathia steal MC Hammer’s pants? What is he, a size 64 waist?

8:35 – Last night after the game, Nick Swisher thanked Joe Girardi for having faith in him….was he referring to that time he was benched for Jerry Hairston Jr. in Game 2?

8:36 – Victorino pokes one off the end of his bat into left field for a one-out double, just out of the reach of a diving Johnny Damon. In case you were keeping score, “Diving Johnny Damon” is the name of a new drink that automatically spills every time you pick it up.

8:39 – Utley breaks out of his slump and rips a double off the wall in right center and it’s 2-1 now. Back-to-back one out doubles brings up Ryan Howard. Sabathia just put on a wind-breaker. I smell strikeout number 11 coming.

8:41 -Howard whiffs at a slider on 3-1 that makes it look like he was trying to gently swat at a fly on Posada’s helmet.

8:43 -Aaaaaaaaand Howard strikes out for the 11th time in this series. At this point, his family should be trying to collect on his life insurance policy.

8:46 – The red-hot Werth walks and now there are 2 on and 2 out for Raul Ibanez. This crowd does not seem to have reached its peak BAC level and I’m disappointed in the city of Philadelphia. No one has been hit with a battery yet, and it’s already Game 4. Ibanez strikes out to end the inning. The Phillies add a run, but it’s 2-1 after one inning. Philly can get to Sabathia tonight, as long as they don’t start swinging at sliders in the dirt.

8:54 – Blanton takes the Yankees down 1-2-3 in the top of the 2nd, striking out Swisher and Sabathia. He’s looking a bit more confident in his pitches now that he got the first inning out of the way. Hopefully he can get things on track now and the Phillies can put up some runs behind him.

8:56 - By the way, 1,100 words already and we’re still in the 2nd inning. This running diary was a great idea, wasn’t it? I don’t know if my WordPress blog has enough bandwidth to support a 10,000 word column.

8:59 – I went to see a game at Citizens Bank Park a few years ago, it’s an awfully nice place to watch baseball. Not as nice when you’re there to see the Mets get spanked, but it has a certain charm. And by charm, I mean cheesesteaks. If FOX keeps showing them, there’s a good chance I’ll make the hour drive to Philly at 1 in the morning.

9:03 – Cookie Crunch Sabathia retires the Phillies in order in the bottom half of the 2nd. Both teams will have the top of the their order heading into the 3rd. I can see this game evening out for the next few innings until the Yankees lineup starts hammering Blanton into submission in the 5th or 6th and Manuel leaves him in a few batters too long.

9:08 – A diving stop made by Pedro Feliz on a Jeter grounder to third. It seems like Feliz is in the sand more often than the cast of Baywatch. He gets the job done though.

9:09 – Joe Buck just commented on the new Pearl Jam album right before Blanton strikes out Teixeira to end the top of 3rd. The day I take a music review by Joe Buck seriously is the day I back over my own iPod with my car.

9:14 – For all the talking that Jimmy Rollins does, he really doesn’t spend too much time on the bases, does he?

9:15 – What’s bigger: Shane Victorino’s head, or home plate ump Mike Everett’s strike zone tonight?

9:17 – Utley against Sabathia in this series: 4/4, 2 HR, 2B, BB and 3 RBI’s. Wait, make that 4/5 now. End of the 3rd inning, still 2-1 Yankees. Are the Phillies done hitting for the night? The bat boy wants to know so he can start packing up.

9:23 – Apparently A-Rod thinks that getting thrown at 3 times in 2 nights is an obvious sign that the Phillies are purposely throwing at him. In other news, the Earth is round and Tim McCarver is uninteresting.

9:26 – Blanton strikes out Posada and Cano to retire his 11th straight batter and it definitely seems like he’s settling into his groove now, which may or may not be wider than Everett’s strike zone. The Phillies have the heart of their order coming up in the bottom of the inning.

9:30 – Are you f—– kidding me?!? Ryan Howard just led off the inning with a single and then STOLE SECOND BASE. This is a bigger twist than when we found out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of The Sixth Sense. It’s like he just got up and walked out of his own funeral!

9:34 – Werth grounds out to third which, in retrospect, makes that stolen base important because it prevented a possible double play. Two outs with Howard on second and Feliz at the plate.

9:37 – Feliz rips a double to left and Howard comes around to score, but never touches home plate. He was called safe, and I’m reluctant to admit this, but he never touched the plate. If the Phillies win, I hope to God it’s by more than one run. Anyway, it’s 2-2 at the end of 4 innings as Blanton strikes out.

9:48 – Jeter drives in Swisher with runners on first and second and 1 out. It’s now 3-2 Yankees. The ball squirts just past the reach of a diving Feliz (in the sand again) and Ibanez’s throw to the plate is late as usual. Actually, it was so late I’m tempted to run out and buy a pregnancy test.

9:50 – Maybe drinking all day has backfired on the Phillies fans. It sounds like they’re playing this game in the lobby of a Borders book store right now.

9:52 – Damon drops a bloop single into shallow right field. Cabrera scores and it’s 4-2 Yankees with 1 out and Teixeira up. Let’s forget what I said earlier about Blanton finding his groove. His groove his so lost right now that even Mapquest can’t pinpoint it. At least the Phillies are hitting. Wait….no they’re not.

9:56 – Phillies need to get something going offensively, they can’t keep letting Sabathia off the hook inning after inning. Also, I think I just saw Shane Victorino in the trailer for Avatar.

9:59 – Hey, Rollins got on base! Apparently I’m good at getting Phillies hitters out of their slumps. I already single-handedly reverse jinxed Utley, Howard and Rollins out of slumps. That has to count for something. Can I put that on my resume?

10:02 – Sabathia, it’s 10:00, do you know where your strike zone is? I’m just kidding, but Victorino really did just walk. Two on and nobody out for Chase Utley aka Sabathia’s Nemesis as McCarver just called him.

10:04 – The Nemesis has fallen behind 0-2. Advantage: Sabathia. Also, there is a plate of hot dogs in the clubhouse. Advantage: Sabathia, again. Check-swing pop-up by Utley. 1 out. Don’t worry Yanks, Ryan Howard is coming to the rescue now to bail out Sabathia.

10:07 – Howard pops up, reverse jinx fails. We enjoyed his short visit to the land of the living though. It was fun while it lasted.

10:09 – If Cream Cheese Sabathia escapes this inning without giving up a run, he’ll roll right through to the 8th. I know this, you know this, Joe Buck definitely knows this. Right now Jayson Werth is swinging like he’s afraid he might break the ball.

10:12 – Posada has made so many visits to the mound that I’m afraid the next one might be a conjugal visit. Aaaaaaand as I’m typing that, Werth strikes out. Inning over, Phils trail 4-2 going to the 6th. I’m going out for a cigarette and to see if I can fit a hose around my exhaust pipe.

10:22 – Swisher forces a two-out walk and there’s now action in the Philadelphia bullpen. Also, there’s an ad for an upcoming FOX series called “Human Target” being displayed behind home plate. I wonder if this show has anything to do with A-Rod.

10:25 – It’s weird, I’m nowhere near a radio, but I can almost hear John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman counting down the number of outs until the Yankees send in Rivera.

10:28 – Remember when Raul Ibanez was a power hitter this season? I swear that really happened.

10:29 – Pedro Feliz is probably the hottest bat in the lineup right now, which is good until you realize that he’s the number 7 hitter.

10:33 – The Phillies go down quietly after the hit by Feliz and now we can look forward to Chan Ho Park in the 7th inning. I just disabled the brakes in my car. I might go for a drive after this game is over.

10:35 – Chan Ho Park looks like the bad guy from a Jet Li movie. I think it’s the beard and long hair that does it.

10:37 – The Phillies will have the top of their lineup due up in the bottom of the 7th, which really doesn’t mean anything at this point.

10:47 – Sabathia just tried to hit a guy sitting in the first row behind home plate with his last pitch. Shouldn’t he be thrown out? I thought both teams were warned already? Rollins continues not-hitting by grounding out to third. And then Victorino flies out. Phillies bats sure are making this look easy for Cream Cheese tonight.

10:50 – Remember when Utley hit two homers in Game 1? It feels like it happened when I was in 3rd grade.

10:52 – ……And the second after I finished typing that, Utley crushes a mammoth home run to right field. My reverse jinx efforts continue. Phils cut the lead to 4-3, Sabathia heads for the dugout. I swear I’m not making this up. I’m like the anti-Joe Buck tonight.

10:57 – Damaso Marte comes in to retire Ryan Howard in 4 pitches. I’m sorry, I’m all out of Ryan Howard jokes right now. Check back again in the 9th inning, maybe.

11:10 – I took the top of the 8th inning off to….not watch the game. Fortunately, nothing too important happened other than FOX showing Rivera in the bullpen a record 315 times. Okay, so I was watching.

11:13 – Joba Chamberlain is in to pitch the 8th inning for the Yankees, which puts them over the 1-ton mark for the combined weight of their pitchers in tonight’s game. That sets a World Series record originally held by the 1915 Boston Red Sox.

11:16 – Chamberlain strikes out Werth and Ibanez to start the inning. Citizens Bank Park sounds like a mausoleum right now. So much for a patented Joba meltdown.

11:18 – You’re going to think I’m lying, but I swear on the Baseball Almanac that I’m not. I was just planning out my next sentence in my head and hoping it would go like this: “Wow, Feliz just hit a game-tying home run to left field.” On the next pitch, Pedro Feliz ripped a game-tying home run to left field. This is getting scary. It’s fine if you don’t believe me. By the way, Pedro Feliz is 3/4 with a HR and 2 RBI’s. You can’t make this up.

11:23 – Brad Lidge on to pitch the 9th inning for Philadelphia. Let’s hope we see 2008 Brad Lidge and not 2009 Brad Lidge. We’re all tied up at 4-4 in Game 4 and here is where baseball in October November gets exciting.

11:26 – The obligatory FOX montage highlighting Lidge’s 11 blown saves this season. Can someone see if Joe Buck is wearing a Yankees hat in the broadcast booth?

11:29 – Lidge fans Jeter for the second out of the inning. Unfortunately, Lidge is due to lead off the bottom of the 9th so this will most likely be his only inning of work. Phil Coke is warming up in the Yankees bullpen. With the game now tied, Girardi may hold Rivera for extra innings. Or he may not.

11:31 – Phillies fans have finally woken up and are making noise, it only took a clutch game-tying home run from the 7th hitter in the lineup to rouse them from their stupor.

11:33 – Damon fights off pitch after pitch and finally gets on after shooting a ball into left field. The Yankees now have a two-out base-runner with Teixeira at the plate.

11:34 – Unbelievable. Damon steals second and then catches Feliz sleeping at second after the throw and runs right around him to third. He just stole two bases in a row. Now all of a sudden New York has a runner 90 feet away from home.

11:36 – Lidge hits Teixeira with the 1-1 pitch bringing A-Rod to the plate with runners on the corners and two out. I guess we got the 2009 Lidge tonight? I think so.

11:39 – I should really stop doing this. Rodriguez doubles to left. So much for the Feliz heroics, it’s 5-4 Yankees. Aaaaaand then Posada lines one into center to score two more runs. Brad Lidge better hope that no one knows where he lives. I don’t think setting fire to his house is out of the question for Phillies fans right now. Even worse, Rivera will come on for the bottom of the 9th with a 3-run lead. It sounds like someone hit the mute button on Citizens Bank Park.

11:44 – Matt Stairs, who has played in every World Series since 1907, leads off the ninth for Philly and then grounds out. How is there anyone still in this stadium? Hoping for a 3-run rally against Rivera is like hoping to land a date with a Victoria’s Secret model just by looking at the catalog.

11:46 – Two outs.

11:47 – 3-1 series lead for New York. Apparently that’s my cue to stop watching sports for about 5 or 6 months. I feel like Justin Long in Drag Me To Hell right now. I’m going to go chug bleach and post a fake address for Brad Lidge’s house on Wikipedia.