NFL Thoughts: Just the Usual Insanity

3 10 2011

???

I don’t have a clue what to make of this young NFL season. We’re four weeks in and, as usual, I’m stumped. But that’s how you know it’s good. When you wake up on a Monday morning a little confused and a little excited and also a little scared, that means that the National Football League is doing its damn job.

At the conclusion of Week 4 (save for tonight’s Indy-Tampa Bay game that I don’t think more than 6 people are actually going to watch), there are a handful of surprises and not-surprises. Since paragraphs are for the weak, I’m going to give you a run-down of my scattered and sometimes incomplete thoughts in bullet form because it’s 2011 and the American public has an extremely short attention span.

*The Detroit Lions are 4-0 and everybody claims to have seen this coming. I’m sorry, I don’t know where I was when the Lions bandwagon filled to capacity and pulled out of the station, but I wasn’t notified. For some reason, nobody seems to really be shocked that the Lions are 4-0 and that Calvin Johnson is grabbing touchdowns out of the air left and right with ease like he just crashed an 8-year-old’s birthday party. I mean, the man is on pace for 32 TOUCHDOWN CATCHES for God’s sake. I know that everybody is talking about them and that they’re the Cinderella team du jour, but everybody is talking about them like they knew this was coming. Listen, I’m not oblivious, I know the Lions have a very talented team, but I thought that at the end of the day, they’re still the Lions. They straight-up embarrassed the Dallas Cowboys yesterday. Embarrassed them.

*Calvin Johnson. Again. He’s making NFL defenses look so stupid right now. I mean, how many teams can say that on a first-and-goal at the 2, they can just have their QB chuck a jump ball up into the back of the end zone and have a guaranteed touchdown 9 out of 10 times? Come on.

*Dallas Cowboys blowing late-game leads like it’s their job/Dream Team looking nightmarish. Tony Romo threw away a 24-10 4th quarter lead against the Jets in Week 1 and then threw away a 27-3 lead to the Lions yesterday. And when I saw “threw away” I literally mean that he threw the ball directly into the hands of the opposing team, multiple times. I mean that he literally threw two consecutive Pick 6′s yesterday. The Cowboys’ meltdown yesterday was matched only by the slow-motion train wreck that is the Philadelphia “Dream Team” Eagles. Not only did they blow a 23-3 lead to the San Francisco 32nds (that’s their NFL ranking for total offense) but they also managed to put a hex on the Philadelphia Phillies who went ahead and blew a 4-run lead of their own in Game 2 of the NLDS last night. Impressive! The Eagles are now 1-3, meaning that they now have a 14% chance of making the playoffs, according to the last 21 years of NFL history. Chalk this one up under the “Not Surprised” category though, thanks to the man standing on their sidelines wearing the headset and parachute pants.

*Rules don’t apply to Victor Cruz because Victor Cruz makes the rules. Couldn’t have been more baffled by the Victor Cruz non-fumble call last night, but also couldn’t have been more ecstatic about it either. Once you actually read the rule that the officials were referring to, it makes a little more sense, but I still couldn’t help but get flashbacks of Eli diving crumpling to the ground untouched against the Eagles last year and losing the ball. Anyway, we’re 3-1 and how do you like that Jets fans?

*Oh by the way, Eli Manning is only quietly having one of the best 4-week stretches of his career. No big deal. Remember when the season started and everyone was all like “I know he threw for 4,000 yards and 31 touchdowns last year and has a Super Bowl MVP to his name, but he totally sucks the big one!” Then the Giants stunk up the joint in Week 1 and everybody was all like “I told you!” And then what does Easy do? Just rolls off three straight wins, with two of them being come-from-behind wins on the road where the Giants trailed in the 4th quarter. No biggie. He only completes 32-of-40 passes for 415 yards, 4 TDs and no INTs in the second half of the last three games. Ho hum. Only third in the NFL in QB rating behind those other bums Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady. You go do your thing, Easy. Let the haters hate.

*A little confused about the Cam Newton pants-wetting ceremony. For the fourth straight week, Cam Newton has every NFL analyst in America wearing diapers, and that’s completely justifiable because after all he’s led the Panthers to a shocking….1-3 record? But he throws for so many yards though! I don’t get it.

*The New York Jets are what we thought they were. Completely overrated and offensively inept. Mark Sanchez just keeps flinging the ball around like it’s covered in spiders and he’s afraid to hold it, and Jets fans are alright with blaming it all on the fact that Nick Mangold is out of the lineup because he’s the reason that two of their top three wide receivers are a combined 117 years old.

*Meanwhile, the Vikings can’t beat anybody, not even a team that can’t beat anybody. Going into this one, I was completely convinced that the Kansas City Chiefs were far and away the worst team in the National Football League. Now, I’m completely convinced that the title has to go to the Vikings. Just horrendous football. I can’t believe I actually wrote this column about Donovan McNabb a few years ago. I can’t even defend the guy anymore. Hang it up Donovan, please.

*Wes Welker is living the dream. Do you realize the kinds of numbers that Wes Welker is putting up right now? A 5’9″ white guy hasn’t cleaned up like this since Scott Baio and Tony Danza dominated the primetime sitcom game. 40 receptions and 616 yards and it’s only Week 4. This guy is on pace to rack up 160 catches, almost 2,500 yards receiving and 20 touchdowns. Unheard of. He probably won’t end up with numbers that outrageous, but if he does they should not only give him the MVP, they should rename it The Wes.

*Chris Johnson. It’s nice of you to stop impersonating an old wooden bench and resume your job as an NFL running back, but let’s try to maybe get into the end zone next week. How about it?

Overrated list: Atlanta Falcons, Oakland Raiders, Buffalo Bills, Washington Redskins (I know, they shouldn’t count), New York Jets, Dallas Cowboys

Uh Oh List: Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers

Underrated List: Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans

Jury is still out on these teams: Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, New York Giants, Chicago Bears

They are as good as we thought: Green Bay Packers

Nauseatingly bad: Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, Kansas City Chiefs, Jacksonville Jaguars, St. Louis Rams

 

 


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The Final Four

21 01 2010

 

New York Jets v Indianapolis Colts

You can’t say that I didn’t warn you.

Last week, I told you that this league was hard to figure out. Did you listen to me? Probably not, I didn’t even take my own advice. I went ahead and picked the Chargers to beat the Jets when I had a sneaking suspicion that something fishy would happen in San Diego on Sunday. Actually, it wasn’t even a sneaking suspicion. The suspicion was walking around banging pots and pans and blowing a whistle. It wasn’t sneaking anywhere.

So why did I ignore this and pick the Chargers anyway? Half of the reason is because I’m an idiot, and the other half is because there’s no way I could have foreseen Nate Kaeding jumping into a DeLorean and reliving the 2004 NFL Playoffs over again.

However, I could have foreseen Norv Turner blowing yet another big decision in a critical moment by opting to go with an onside kick with over 2 minutes to play. Instead of putting the pressure on Mark Sanchez to pick up a big first down and hope that your defense can make one stop, why risk giving the Jets a short field? Sanchez had thrown for barely 100 yards at that point in the game and the Jets offense had been unable to get much of anything going for most of the game until Jim Leonhard’s late pick of Philip Rivers set the Jets up at the Chargers’ 27 yard line.

I’m having an extremely difficult time with trying to understand how and why the New York Jets are going to be playing the Indianapolis Colts this coming Sunday afternoon for a trip to Super Bowl XLIV. I’m having a hard time for a number of reasons and surprisingly, none of them have anything to do with my hatred of the New York Jets. Believe it or not, they impressed the hell out of me in San Diego and for at least the next 4 or 5 days, they have earned my respect. Relish this, because it will probably be the first and last time I ever say those words.

In all honesty though, I can’t figure out the enigma that is the 2009 New York Jets. Forget about the enigma of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE for just a second and consider the fact that a team that was 4-6 through the first 11 weeks and went 2-4 in their division is now one win away from playing in the Super Bowl. This is a team that had it’s own coach remark in a press conference that his team had no chance to make the playoffs. This is a team who is led by a quarterback that finished the regular season with 12 touchdown passes and 20 interceptions and had a quarterback rating of 63. 

Hopefully you can see why I’m so baffled. What compounds this confusion is the fact that I live smack-dab in the middle of the three-ring circus that is the New York sports media. For this reason, I am constantly witnessing the Jets getting raked over the coals for their latest embarrassment against Buffalo or their failure to stop David Garrard on a game-winning drive on their home field. Despite all of that, I now see a team that was declared clinically dead by an entire city of critics and sports writers only a month ago, march confidently into Lucas Oil Stadium with an NFL title in their sights. They have seduced an entire nation with their swagger and their cocksureness and judging from all the Daily News back pages these last few weeks, you would think that the Colts were the underdogs on Sunday.

Does America always love a good underdog story? Of course, and that is partly why the Jets have become America’s Darlings du jour. A team that nobody thought had a shot, suddenly has turned the tables with a rookie quarterback and a rookie coach who knows his way around a quote. And I’ll admit that any coach that uses the movie 300 to motivate his team obviously knows what he’s doing.

Do the 2009 Jets remind me a lot of the 2007 Giants? Yes. I find a lot of similarities in both the teams themselves and the paths that they took to get to this point. A young inexperienced quarterback, a relentless, blitz-happy defense that gives opposing quarterbacks nightmares and a steady, exhausting running game. And that is all I have to say about the magical allure of this strange and unpredictable Jets team.

Now, on to my picks for Championship Sunday. I was 2-for-2 last weekend, so at least we’re getting somewhere. I think.

New Orleans Saints 28, Minnesota Vikings 24

Last weekend the Vikings defense absolutely overwhelmed the Cowboys offense. Dallas rolled into the playoffs on the arm of Tony Romo and the suddenly breakout play of Felix Jones, and then rolled over Philadelphia in the first round. The Minnesota pass rush was too much for Romo though, and they were exploited in every conceivable way. Not turning the football over was one of the main foundations that held the Cowboys up during their run to the playoffs and that pillar came crumbling down on Sunday when they turned the ball over three times.

Can the Vikings replicate this gameplan this Sunday against the Saints and disrupt the rhythm of Drew Brees and the New Orleans offense? Probably not. First of all, they’ll be at odds in the Superdome which is possibly the hardest place to play on the road in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Second, the Saints don’t need a huge game from Brees to win. Of course they would like one on Sunday, but it’s not a necessity. There have been numerous times this season when Brees played very un-Brees-like and the Saints still managed to get the job done. Then again, those wins didn’t come against the Minnesota Vikings and Brett Favre.

Nobody can deny that Brett Favre has been having one magical season and his 37 touchdowns and 7 interceptions look like numbers that the quarterback of Oklahoma or USC would put up. Could this be his season of destiny? His last hurrah? His final showdown? Sure. Will it be though? Probably not. I think that the Saints and more importantly, the Superdome, will prove to be too much for the Vikes. The Saints will get their first ever Super Bowl appearance.

Indianapolis Colts 21, New York Jets 16

To be perfectly honest with you, I think that the New York Jets match up better with the Colts than any other team in the AFC. The only thing that can derail the Colts offense is a blitzing defense that puts constant pressure on Peyton Manning and forces him to check off on his receivers a little quicker than he is accustomed to doing. It’s no secret that Peyton Manning is a little less Peyton Manning-like when he has to worry about  linebackers coming up the middle or cornerbacks coming from the blind side. If the Jets defense can harass Peyton Manning like they harassed Philip Rivers last week, they will have a very, very good shot at winning the AFC title.

New York Jets v Indianapolis Colts

There is just too much at stake in this game for the Colts though. Whether or not the Colts fans or the Indianapolis media will admit to it, Jim Caldwell has taken a lot of heat for his decision to pull Manning in the second half of the Week 16 game against the Jets. Even if they don’t necessarily disagree with the decision, every one has talked about it, and it is on everyone’s mind. Lose again to the Jets and there is going to be a lot of questioning going on and a lot of  criticism thrown in the direction of the Colts organization, particulary Jim Caldwell. There is simply too much at stake here for the Colts, and Peyton Manning for that matter, to throw anything less than the kitchen sink at this game. Peyton Manning absolutely lives for games like this. He thrives on it. Mark Sanchez? As good as he’s been so far this postseason, I don’t think he’s ready for this stage yet. And maybe that’s all it comes down to in the end.

I will tell you one thing though, it will be one heck of an AFC Championship Game.


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You Would Think I Don’t Even Watch Football

14 01 2010
Cincinnati Bengals v New York Jets

The NFL is an enigma. It’s not completely beyond comprehension, but it’s a lot harder to understand than baseball or even the NBA. Parity is one of the reason for this, but most of it stems from the fact that there are hundreds of mitigating factors that are in play every time two teams step on the field to do battle. Home field, momentum, teams with a chip on their shoulder, injuries, mistakes, rookie quarterbacks playing on the road, and coaches that don’t know how to properly manage the clock. These are only a few of the things that go into what ultimately decides every game in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, especially playoff games. The playoffs amplify everything by 100 and put every single flaw that a team may have under a microscope.

I’m not making excuses for myself. I went 0-for-4 in my picks last weekend. If you go back and read those picks after the fact you might even go as far as to assume that I don’t watch any football. Being completely an utterly wrong about each and every one of the Wild Card playoff games is not going to convince anyone that I actually watch 10+ hours of football every Sunday during the regular season. A person that watches 10+ hours of football every Sunday doesn’t go 0-for-4 in the first round of the playoffs.

But…this is the NFL, and in the NFL things like this happen in the first round of the playoffs:

1) A rookie quarterback, who looked like he was having a Chernobyl-like nuclear meltdown a few weeks ago, can win a road playoff game. By the way, this rookie quarterback is Mark Sanchez. Nevermind the fact that he’s now drawing eerie comparisons to Eli Manning’s breakout 2007 season in the New York media, this is the same Mark Sanchez who couldn’t muster more than 7 points at home against an Atlanta Falcons pass defense that was next to last in passing yards per game allowed.

2) The second-ranked overall defense will show up in Arizona and get torched for 51 points. Yes, 51 points. Even more ridiculous: the Cardinals scored 51 points and still needed overtime to beat the Packers.

3) Joe Flacco 33, Tom Brady 14. In Foxborough. To be honest with you, that’s a little misleading though, because Joe Flacco only threw for 36 yards on Sunday. That’s all. The Ravens beat the Pats 33-14, on the road, and their starting quarterback had 36 yards passing. How? Ray Rice, that’s how.

So, knowing that I not only embarrassed myself last week by going 0-for-4, but also lost my Super Bowl pick after the first round, I will put a unique twist on my picks of the Divisional Playoffs. I will pick the opposite of whatever my instinct tells me this week. That means that whatever I say in the next few paragraphs is the complete and total opposite of what my obviously flawed football intuition is telling me. This is a win/win situation, because if I go 0-for-4 again, it would mean my original instincts were correct. Try to stay with me here.

Saturday, 4:30 p.m.

Saints 33, Cardinals 27

There is no way that Kurt Warner has another game in him like the one he played against Green Bay last week. There is also no way that New Orleans is feeling a little out of sync after losing the last three games of the regular season. It doesn’t matter at all that their last convincing win came against the Patriots all the way back on November 30th. We’ve seen this happen year after year, number one seeds that sputter out towards the end of the regular season, but then rebound once the playoffs start. They are not in any danger of a hot team like the Cardinals coming in and stealing the game from them with an early ambush. Nope. Not in the NFL.

Saturday, 8:00 p.m.

Ravens 24, Colts 20

I forgot what the rule was — always bet against Peyton Manning in primetime games, right? I’m pretty sure that was it. Also, does anyone remember what happened to the Colts in the playoffs last year? They lost to the 8-8 Chargers who snuck into the playoffs by stealing the AFC West right out from under a reeling Broncos team (the Broncos are getting awfully good at tanking the second half of the season). So this is actually a no-brainer. The Ravens are coming off of a big win, Jim Caldwell is taking a ton of heat for pulling Manning against the Jets and Lucas Oil Stadium is not a difficult place for a young quarterback like Joe Flacco to win a road playoff game.

Sunday, 1:00 p.m.

Cowboys 41, Vikings 10

This game has stumped NFL analysts and ESPN’s talking heads all week. Nobody really knows how to pick this game. I do though. I know exactly who to pick. The Cowboys look like one of the hottest teams in the league right now and the Vikings don’t. Is it that simple? Apparently. Are you really going to make the mistake of backing Brett Favre in the playoffs at 40 years old? I dare you.

Sunday, 4:00 p.m.

Jets 27, Chargers 24  OT

You have to be a moron not to back Mark Sanchez on the road in the biggest game of his career against a team that’s won 11 games in a row. Seriously. Anyone who watches football, in fact anyone who even knows the definition of the word “football”, knows that the Jets will march in to Qualcomm Stadium on Sunday and their top-ranked defense will stifle the hottest team in football. I swear, sometimes this league is so easy to figure out.


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Ready or Not, It’s Time for the Playoffs (And Why I Think The Packers Will Win It All)

5 01 2010
Green Bay Packers v Arizona Cardinals

Aside from the NCAA Tournament in March, the NFL Playoffs are probably my favorite postseason event in sports, even when the Giants aren’t playing. Do you want to know why I love the NFL Playoffs? If you don’t, just skip the next few sentences, because I’m going to tell you anyway. I love the NFL Playoffs because you get one chance, and that’s it. There are no best-of-5 series, there are no brutally long best-of-7 series that drag out for a week and a half. There is one game and one game only. If you’re unprepared, it will show. Typically in best-of-7 series, the team that is supposed to win, will win. In the NFL Playoffs, anything can happen. Often enough, anything does happen. That’s why I love the NFL Playoffs, because you can have a team like the 2008 Arizona Cardinals get hammered in Week 16 against the Patriots and lose by 40 points but then suddenly get hot at the right time and be in the Super Bowl a month later. I love the NFL Playoffs because a 10-6 wild-card team that everybody wrote off two months before can beat the number 1 and 2 seeds in the NFC in back-to-back weeks on the road and then stun an undefeated team to win the Super Bowl. Do I need to explain myself anymore?

If you’re getting deja vu from looking at the games slated for this weekend’s Wild Card playoff round, that’s because three out of the four match-ups are repeats from last week, and two of them are even being played on the same field. If I was the Elias Sports Bureau I would probably be able to tell you if that has ever happened before, but I don’t have those kinds of statistics in front of me, so for now I’m going to have to go out on a limb and guess that it is a pretty rare occurrence. Both the Packers and Eagles will return to the scene of the crime from Week 17 for a playoff rematch. The Packers easily handed the Cardinals a 33-7 loss in Glendale on Sunday, and will hope for a repeat performance this weekend. Meanwhile, the Eagles are hoping to actually show up in Arlington this Saturday night, because from what I saw they sure as hell didn’t show up on Sunday, losing 24-0 to the Cowboys and also losing out on a chance for the #2 seed in the NFC. In doing so, they dropped from the #3 seed all the way down to the #6 seed, ensuring that they will not have a home game in the playoffs. Going from possibly having a first-round bye and a home game in the Divisional round to being the #6 seed in the span of a few hours was probably just as disheartening for Eagles fans as remembering that they’ve lost 4 NFC title games in the last 7 years.

As for the Cardinals, I think we’ve all learned our lesson about writing off teams that look like a bunch of ghosts with uniforms on in Week 17. Last year’s Cardinals team taught us that lesson, and maybe they’re trying to reteach it again this year. All I know is that Sunday’s Packers-Cardinals game will certainly be a lot closer than 33-7.

So two exact, carbon-copy rematches from Week 17 in the first-round of the playoffs for the first time ever (yes, I’ve actually done the research now, so I can say that with confidence), and that’s just the NFC. What about the AFC? Well, there’s the remarkable story of the New York Jets. Even Rex Ryan wrote this team off a few weeks ago, but now they’re suddenly the toast of the town. How did this happen? I have no clue. I can take a shot in the dark though and attribute their sudden and inexplicable success to a few things:

1) Their cream puff of a schedule. The Jets won 9 games this year against Houston, New England, Tennessee, Oakland, Carolina, Buffalo, Tampa Bay, Indianapolis*, Cincinnati*. Three of those wins came against playoff teams, including Indy and Cincy in the last two weeks, but I’ll explain the asterisks in my next point.

2) They beat Indy and Cincy teams that were pretty much only on the field to collect a paycheck the last two weeks. Peyton Manning was out of the game by halftime in Week 16 allowing the Jets opportunistic defense to take advantage of a terrified Curtis Painter to the point where I was about to call DYFS on Jim Caldwell. And then on Sunday night, they trampled a Cincinnati team that clearly didn’t have any incentive to put on a show. I mean, Carson Palmer was 1/11 for 0 yards before being replaced by J.T. O’Sulli-beard. If those stats don’t scream, “The Football Felt Like a Frozen Brick, Somebody Give Me Coffee and Get Me Out of This Game Before Kimo Von Oelfhoffen Comes Out of Nowhere and Dives At My Knees”, then I don’t know what does.

3) Every single thing that the Jets needed to happen in the last two weeks in order to make the playoffs, happened.

But hey, I’m not bitter! So let’s move on to the next AFC Wild Card match-up featuring the New England Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. Ironically, the Patriots, one of the only teams that I have been able to consistently figure out for the past 4 or 5 years is turning out to be the only team that I really don’t understand this season. Are they good? Are they a shell of their former selves? I can’t even tell anymore. However, if Wes Welker’s injury is as bad as they say it is (and they say it’s pretty bad, trust me), then I fear for New England. And if Tom Brady really has been playing with broken ribs for the last month like Bill Simmons says he has, then I fear for New England. I can see this game going either way though, it’s like the Tila Tequila of playoff games.

So, with all of that said, here are my Wild Card playoff predictions:

Saturday, 4:30 p.m. EST

Bengals 27, Jets 17

I didn’t watch all of Sunday night’s game, I’ll be honest. Most of what I got out of the game, I got from glancing over my shoulder at the TV while I sat at a blackjack table at Showboat. What I saw was this: J.T. O’Sullivan’s beard, Mark Sanchez not throwing many passes, really cold fans, Brad Smith, J.T. O’Sullivan’s beard, Mark Sanchez looking confused. Somehow it was 37-0. It’s going to be a whole different sequel in Cincinnati on Saturday with the Bengals hosting a playoff game in front of their home crowd for the first time since the 2006 playoffs when Kimo Von Oelhoffen simultaneously ended Carson Palmer’s season and the Bengals’ season on the second play from scrimmage.

Saturday, 8:30 p.m. EST

Eagles 31, Cowboys 23

You can’t say the same about the Eagles Week 17 performance as you could about the Bengals. The Eagles had a lot to play for, probably just as much as anyone else playing last week. They just didn’t show up, simply enough. Now, they have to avoid the dubious distinction of losing to the same team three times in one season, and twice in consecutive weeks. JerryWorld is going to be packed to the gills for it’s first playoff game and it’s going to be up to Donovan McNabb and DeSean Jackson to quiet the crowd and get the Eagles on the board early. If the Cowboys build an early lead like they did last week, it’s going to be Blitz City for the Dallas D and the Eagles injury-depleted offensive line.

Sunday, 1:00 p.m. EST

Patriots 20, Ravens 17

This game is going to be about how well the Patriots defense can calm down the Ravens potent two-headed beast at running back of Ray Rice and Willis McGahee and it’s also about how many times Randy Moss can get open against the Baltimore secondary. If Randy Moss has a big day, then so too will New England. I think that the Patriots should be able to get it done against the Ravens on Sunday, but with Welker gone and Brady not 100%, they’re going to have trouble after that, especially against San Diego and Indy, should it come to that.

Sunday, 4:00 p.m. EST

Packers 36, Cardinals 33

I like Aaron Rodgers and I like this Packers team just about as much as any other team in this year’s postseason. I have a good feeling about Green Bay and I think they’re one of the hottest teams in the league right now, and I love Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, and this Packers team is my playoff team for 2009. They seem to me like the most complete team in the NFC, and yes, even more so than the Saints. Their defense, the new 3-4 system implemented by Dom Capers this season, as proven to be effect as it’s one of the best in the league. Their balanced offense is a perfect fit for the gunslinging Aaron Rodgers, and I finally think that it’s time for a coming of age for A-Rod. Beating Brett Favre in the playoffs for a ticket to the NFC Championship is probably the sweetest justice he can have. As you can probably tell, I like the 2009 Green Bay Packers. I like them to beat Arizona on Sunday and then I like them to beat Brett Favre and the Vikings next week and then it’s on to DALLAS, OR PHILADELPHIA, OR NEW ORLEANS! THE PACKERS ARE GOING TO TAKE THEM ALL DOWN!

Since I’m already all worked up I just wanted to add one more paragraph about something that happened yesterday in the Giants organization that excited me more than anything else having to do with the Giants since Week 15: Defensive coordinator Bill Sheridan was fired. As I watched the latest 44-7 embarrassment this past Sunday in Minnesota, I hoped that Sheridan would be out no later than Monday, and I (along with most of Giants Nation, I would imagine) got my wish yesterday afternoon. So thank you, John Mara, for standing up for your fans and for being an owner with guts, and for doing what the Wilpons will probably never do: FIRE PEOPLE THAT CAN’T DO THEIR JOB (*cough* Omar Minaya *cough*).


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NFL Week 14 Picks

10 12 2009

It’s been a few weeks since my last full NFL picks column, so I’m taking the time to give you Week 14, no holds-barred. The Thursday night games have been throwing me off because now I need to have my picks done a full 3 days before I usually do them, so thanks a lot NFL Network, for throwing me off my comfortable routine, and also for providing meaningless games that almost nobody cares about. Come on, Bears-Niners? Jets-Bills, in Canada? Tonight is no better. Steelers-Browns? These games are making me feel fine with the fact that Cablevision doesn’t get the NFL Network. No complaints so far. So let’s get to the picks. As usual, home teams in all caps.

Pittsburgh (-10) over CLEVELAND

Look, I know that I’ve shamelessly name-dropped my fantasy football team so many times in this column that I’m starting to sound like Nicholas Cage plugging another bad movie on Letterman. However, I’m now in the playoffs (at 6-7, it’s a miracle) and it’s starting to get important. At this point in the year, with Michael Turner limping around like House, my most reliable player has become Rashard Mendenhall, a guy I claimed off waivers in Week 4. Tonight they’re expecting a lot of snow in Cleveland. This game has “150 yards, 2 TDs” written all over it for Mendenhall against a weak Cleveland run defense that’s among the bottom 5 in the league. Am I excited about the possibility of him racking up 30 fantasy points on a bad ankle? Yes, absolutely, especially when the team I’m going against has Drew Brees and Chris Johnson. Okay I promise, that’s enough about my fantasy team for at least another 500 words.

Denver (+7) over INDIANAPOLIS

It’s Week 14 and we still have two teams that are undefeated. Some may call it a remarkable season, I just call it the biggest piece of evidence to show that the league has more bad teams this season than ever before. It’s not that the Saints and Colts are that remarkably good, it’s that the teams they are playing (for the most part) are remarkably bad. You mean to tell me that it’s just a huge coincidence that in the 37 years since the ’72 Dolphins we’ve had only one team go undefeated in the regular season (’07 Pats, of course) and now all of a sudden we might have two in one season?

Cincinnati (+7) over MINNESOTA

The 2009 Bengals are a lot like Santa Claus in that I want to believe that they are for real. So I will, for now. I will keep believing, even when Carson Palmer throws 16 passes a game.  (sentence deleted because of content about fantasy team). The people of Cincinnati are rejoicing because this is a team that is one year removed from an 0-8 start and now they have clinched only their second winning season since 1991. That’s fascinating. They’ll have an even bigger reason to celebrate if they can hand the Vikings a second straight loss on Sunday.

TAMPA BAY (+3) over NY Jets

Why am I taking the 1-11 Bucs over the Jets? Because they are the feistiest 1-11 team I’ve ever seen. Also because Kellen Clemens will make the start in place of an injured Mark Sanchez (out with a knee). Luckily, Joe Girardi came last week and showed poor Mark how to slide correctly. Fortunately Rex Ryan was able to get Girardi, because the other option was to get Jose Reyes to come in and show Sanchez how to milk a minor knee injury for 5 months.

Green Bay (-3) over CHICAGO

Okay, I think I’m safe to talk about my fantasy team one more time. I’m excited for this game because I have the Packers defense and I know that they are all staring at a picture of Jay Cutler right now and salivating. I’m thinking of a word that starts with “inter” and rhymes with “ception”. Green Bay is peaking at just the right time for them, and just the wrong time for the Giants. The thing about the NFL is that you need to take care of your own business before you can start counting on other teams to take care of it for you.

New Orleans (-10) over ATLANTA

I don’t know whether to be impressed or confused by the Saints, especially when one week I watch Drew Brees pick apart the New England secondary, and then the next week they’re edging out the Redskins in overtime only because Shaun Suisham can’t kick field goals (don’t worry ‘Skins fans, he was cut this week). WHO ARE YOU, NEW ORLEANS SAINTS? WHO ARE YOU???

Detroit (-13.5) over BALTIMORE

I was wrong about the Baltimore Ravens, I’ll admit it. But then again, so was everyone that gushed about them for the first two months of the season. It’s was a nice honeymoon, but I think we’re seeing what it’s like when Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco come back down to Earth. All I’m saying is, let’s not wet our pants just yet. On the other hand, Ray Rice has passed my first test of stardom. When I look at my opponent’s fantasy team (seriously, I promise, this is the last time) and see him on the roster, I actually mutter “oh crap” very softly to no one in particular. That’s what I call the “oh crap” test. Ray Rice has passed that test. Welcome, Ray.

JACKSONVILLE (-3) over Miami

It’s the 2009 Battle of Florida Teams Who Might Be Relevant Again, Only We Can’t Really Tell Yet, We Just Hope This Game Doesn’t Get Blacked Out! Only on CBS! By the way, the Jacksonville Jaguars currently hold one of the wild card spots in the AFC. What I’m trying to say is, if the season ended today (thank God it doesn’t), the Jacksonville Jaguars would be in the playoffs. Their fans can’t even watch them on television at home because they can’t sell out their games. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 AFC Playoffs!

NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) over Carolina

You know what it means when Bill Belichick starts kicking guys out of practice because they got their $80,000 Hummers stuck in the snow and couldn’t make it to morning meetings on time. It means that it’s Serious Time and when it’s Serious Time, Bill Belichick is serious. It’s not anything like the rest of the year when he’s happy-go-lucky and cracking jokes with the media. Not anymore. He’s cutting off the sleeves to his grey hooded sweatshirt as we speak. I don’t want to be the Panthers defense this week.

HOUSTON (-6) over Seattle

I have nothing to say about this game because I feel like it’s between two 5-7 teams who basically play the same exact game every week. I’m sorry.

TENNESSEE (-13) over St. Louis

Last week was the first time in 5 weeks that I couldn’t tweet “VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES” on Sunday night, because Vince Young did not win a football game last week. This week however, Vince Young will win a football game and I can go back to living my life the way that it should be lived. Thank you, Mr. Young.

Washington (-1) over OAKLAND

This is what I don’t get about the Raiders: they’ll beat the Eagles, Bengals and Steelers, but then they’ll get trounced at home by the Redskins on Sunday. Of course I don’t know this for sure, but I can sense it coming. If it doesn’t happen that way, then we can just conveniently forget that I ever wrote this paragraph. Okay?

San Diego (+3) over DALLAS

Around here, in Giants country, we have a name for the Dallas Cowboys in December and January: Choking Hazards. That’s right, I said it. Let’s see you win something, “America’s Team.” I haven’t enjoyed a Giants win as much as I enjoyed last week’s win in a long while. Probably since the last time we beat the Cowboys. I’m not very fond of Philip Rivers either, but you better believe I’ll be a Chargers fan on Sunday.

Philadelphia (+1) over NY GIANTS

I hate games against the Eagles. Do you want to know how much I hate games against the Eagles? I hate them a lot. First of all, my brother is a huge Eagles fan, so the tension that builds up in our house the days leading up to a Giants-Eagles game is both exciting and uncomfortable at the same time. Second, they have demolished us the last three times we played them, with one of those times being last year’s NFC Divisional Playoffs. Needless to say, I’ll be there at the stadium on Sunday night with my brother, so we’ll see how this one goes. The last time I saw a Giants-Eagles game at the Meadowlands in December, Jeff Garcia took apart our defense like he was taking apart a bunch of Lego’s.

Arizona (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

What has my fantasy football season come down to? Listen, if you’ve stuck with me for this long, then you’ll have to hear me out when I say this: my starting quarterback this weekend is Alex Smith. I’ve endured a long 13 weeks going back and forth between the likes of Matt Ryan, Donovan McNabb (even after I swore I would never touch him again after last season) and Carson Palmer (don’t even get me started about him), but now going into the first round of the playoffs, Ryan is M.I.A. like Andy from Shawshank Prison, Palmer is looking at a possible stat line of 9/22, 121 yards, 1 INT this week against Minnesota’s defense and I can’t possibly start McNabb against the Giants (as important as I think fantasy is, it will never come before my allegiance to the Giants). So it’s come down to this. Alex Smith. I’ve dropped so many Alex Smith jokes in the past few years that I know I have terrible karma going into this game. It all goes to show that the fantasy football gods really, truly hate me.

Last Week: N/A (out with a swine flu)

Season Total: 101-75


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NFL Week 5 Picks: Still Unharmed by Braylon Edwards’ Posse

9 10 2009

It’s very possible that I jinxed myself going into last week’s picks. Then again, this is the NFL, one league where anything is possible, including the possibility that I may be wrong from time to time. I was wrong exactly 50% of the time last week. A lot of things happened this week in the wild and crazy world of the National Football League and I will let you know that if my fantasy team loses again this week I’m either retiring from the game altogether, or applying for a job in the Mets front office.

Here’s the Week 5 picks, home teams in ALL CAPS

Minnesota (-10) over ST. LOUIS

I’m not a Packers fan, nor will I ever be, but I can only imagine that watching Brett Favre completely destroy their team on Monday night was the football equivalent of watching your father divorce your mother and then start hooking up with your ex-girlfriend that you absolutely hate. Seeing him celebrate after throwing that first touchdown pass was the dagger through the heart…kind of like if you accidentally walked in on your father getting it on with your ex-girlfriend that you absolutely hate. I want to let the entire state of Wisconsin know that I am sorry and I feel for you.

Dallas (-8) over KANSAS CITY

The Cowboys are having some difficulty scoring points lately, which wouldn’t really be too big of a problem if they had a good defense, but they don’t. Luckily, it doesn’t take a lot of points to beat Kansas City. It actually doesn’t take a lot of anything to beat them.

CAROLINA (-3.5) over Washington

Listen to this fact nugget: So far this season the Washington Redskins have yet to face a team with a win. How is that possible in Week 5, you might ask. Well, the only teams the Redskins have played so far that are not still winless are the Giants and the Lions. Washington played the Giants in Week 1 and the Lions in Week 3. Both teams picked up their first win of the season against Washington. That streak will continue this week as the Redskins face the winless Panthers, and if the Cowboys beat the Chiefs on Sunday, that streak will extend all the way into Week 6, which should be some kind of NFL record. Needless to say, the Redskins have an awfully easy first half of the season, and this is probably why they’re 2-2. After their bye week, it gets daunting with the Falcons, Broncos, Cowboys, Eagles and Saints all in a row. Say goodnight to your season, Redskins fans!

PHILADELPHIA (-15) over Tampa Bay

This is officially the biggest line of the week, edging out the Giants-Raiders line by a half point. With that said, I’m pretty sure the Eagles have played the Bucs already this season. Whether or not Philly is trying to pull a fast one on the league, let’s just say that McNabb is back from his McRib injury and the Eagles will slap the Bucs all over the field.

NY GIANTS (-14.5) over Oakland

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if Eli was going to play on Sunday, and although it answered “All Signs Point to Yes”, I can’t really believe it until I see him out there on the field. However, if he’s to miss any games this year, I’d rather it be against the Raiders. I mean, even David Carr can beat Oakland. Just look at his stat line for that game! WOW! I really, really hate taking the Giants when they’re giving this many points, but consider this a testament to just how awful the Raiders are. I’m actually surprised that Vegas hasn’t rolled out a prop bet to gamble on the amount of passing yards that JaMarcus Russell has each week yet. I’m going to set the over/under at 80 yards this week. Anyone?

Cleveland (+6) over BUFFALO

How far away are we from our first T.O. meltdown? Two weeks? Two days? I’m completely in the dark here. How long before he’s camped out in the bushes by Trent Edwards’ house with a paintball gun and a Scream mask?

BALTIMORE (-8.5) over Cincinnati

This game will be the turning point in deciding how I bet on the Ravens and Bengals for the rest of the year. Is 8.5 points giving them more credit than they deserve against a possibly frisky Bengals team? Or is the uncomfortably close game against Cleveland last week a sign that Cincy isn’t quite ready yet? I don’t know about this one. Let’s just give Baltimore the benefit of the doubt.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) over DETROIT

Steelers Nation needs to hold its horses right now. Last week’s win over San Diego wasn’t exactly the resurrection of a sleeping giant. The Steelers showed all of the problems towards the tail end of that game that they’ve been exhibiting all season: they go limp in the fourth quarter. I don’t care if they still ended up winning by 10 and covering the spread. The Bolts scored 21 points in the 4th. That’s not good football. In the past three games, the Steelers have allowed 45 points in the fourth quarter alone. They lost two of them. They could very well have lost last week too, if the Chargers had even some semblance of a defense. And what is with Rashard Mendenhall? Willie Parker couldn’t rush for 100 yards if the other team took their defense off the field and he comes in and runs for 165 yards? Actually, I don’t even want to talk about it.

Atlanta (+2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

This should be a very interesting game, to say the least. Apparently the Niners have impressed enough people so far this season to earn being 2.5 point favorites over the Falcons. Either that or the Falcons have just looked plain underwhelming. I think it’s a little bit of both, to be honest. Also, the 49ers are officially ushering in the start of the Michael Crabtree Era in San Fran and Michael Turner is disappearing faster than Jamal Anderson right now. This is not good. Is it safe to say that if the 49ers win this, they pretty much have the NFC West locked up? Too early?

New England (-3) over DENVER

Somehow, the Denver Broncos are 4-0. Their defense looked stellar last week against Dallas….but was it their defense that was so good, or the Cowboys offense that’s so bad? Yet another prime example of the “It’s Still Too Early to Tell Which One” Game. Either way, the Patriots are slowly rejuvenating. It’s like watching your best friend get back into the dating world after a divorce. It’s going to take some time to acclimate and get up to speed again, but soon he’ll be back at full strength. So I guess Brady’s injury would be the divorce….? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Houston (+5.5) over ARIZONA

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON THIS TEXANS SEASON! It’s still too early. You can’t make me take the Cardinals giving 5.5 points. Andre Johnson vs. Larry Fitzgerald. My fantasy team might never recover if Johnson has a bad game on Sunday. In no way does my fantasy team affect how I make my picks. Not at all….

Jacksonville (PK) over SEATTLE

This game is so unappealing that Vegas couldn’t even decide on a line. They didn’t want to spend more than 30 seconds thinking about either team. You think the NFL might intentionally black out this game so nobody has to see it? Except for the poor Seahawks fans that had to pay for tickets.

Indianapolis (-3.5) over TENNESSEE

I might say that the Colts are the best team in the AFC right now, and I may be right. Still, I haven’t seen enough of them yet to really put any conviction behind that statement. So I’ll be watching on Sunday night. By the way, is it just me, or have the Colts played on either Sunday night or Monday night every week so far? It feels like it. Also, I’m not picking the Colts because I signed Pierre Garcon and the Indy D off of waivers this week. I’m serious, it doesn’t affect my decision at all.

MIAMI (+2) over NY Jets

Welcome to the Chad Henne Era! Let’s do this! The Wildcat will account for about 78% of the Dolphins offense on Monday night. The Jets will stop it every time. I’m still picking against Sanchez on the road in his first night game though, even with the addition of Braylon “Dropsy” Edwards.

Last Week: 7-7

Season Total: 40-22


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MEGA, SUPERSIZED, COLOSSAL 2009 NFL Season Preview, Parts III and IV (Double Issue!)

8 09 2009

Buckle your seat belts and get ready for me to bang out my AFC preview in one post and no less than 3,000 words. Clear your schedule before reading this.

AFC East

1) New England Patriots (13-3)

This was probably one of the easiest choices I’ve ever had to make in my writing career. Which team to pick to win the AFC East. I don’t know if I can make a legitimate case for anybody in this division other than the Patriots when Tom Brady is healthy. And before you accuse me of melting and fawning in the presence of Tom Brady like Turtle in Entourage, just know that I don’t have a man-crush on him, I just WATCH FOOTBALL. I was there for the 16-0 season, I lived it. (I also lived Super Bowl XLII, but that’s okay (That was my one obligatory SBXLII reference for this column, sorry for the double parentheses.)) The Patriots are far and away the best team in this division. Even Brian Hoyer managed to shred the Giants second and third string defenses last night. The Chiefs will probably sign him to a $600 million dollar contract next offseason.

2) Buffalo Bills (10-6)

I still believe that this team is better than most people take them to be. If you can remember this far back, they did start last season with a 5-1 record, but 3 of those wins were against Seattle, Oakland and St. Louis. They then proceeded to lose 8 of their last 10 games and finish a stealthy 0-6 against division opponents. So the 5-1 start may have been the product of smoke and mirrors and slight of hand, but the addition of Terrell Owens isn’t going to hurt. Hate T.O. all you want, but he never fails to produce, and this season in Buffalo, he’ll do something else very important: he’ll draw double coverage from most teams leaving the dangerous Josh Reed and Lee Evans more room to make big plays. If Marshawn Lynch stays healthy and doesn’t disappear off the face of the earth like he did last season and if Trent Edwards is at least semi-competent, the Bills can finish second. That’s about it though.

3) New York Jets (8-8)

I’m not sold on Mark Sanchez and I probably never will be sold on Mark Sanchez unless he is not Mark Sanchez anymore or if the Jets win their first 9 or 10 games this season. Otherwise, I’ll pass. It probably has a lot to do with his GQ spread before even playing a single down in the NFL and the fact that he went pro after one full season at USC and magically became a Top-10 pick. Something about that just rubs me the wrong way. Say what you will, but I’m a skeptic. I’m a skeptic because I don’t believe in Mark Sanchez and I’m a skeptic because Mark Sanchez has nobody to throw to. As a Giants fan, I know I shouldn’t be throwing stones and all, but Jerricho Cotchery is Jerricho Cotchery. They are what we thought they were.

4) Miami Dolphins (8-8)

Let’s assume that just about every team in the league is now aware of the Wildcat offense by now. It’s a safe assumption. Let’s assume that the Dolphins can no longer pull the wool over your eyes and run this crazy offensive scheme where Ronnie Brown is taking direct snaps and Chad Pennington is catching passes, because we know it’s coming now. Let’s assume that the Dolphins will no longer be capable of scoring 48 points against the Patriots this season. Now let’s also assume that Chad Pennington starts playing like Chad Pennington and not like a real quarterback, which is what he looked like for most of last season. Then what do we have left? We have the Miami Dolphins we all know and love; overwhelmingly mediocre.

AFC North

1) Baltimore Ravens (13-3)

The Ravens were one of the teams that impressed me the most in last year’s playoffs. Ultimately, the Ravens demise in the AFC Championship against Pittsburgh was rookie quarterback Joe Flacco, who was so impressive during the regular season. But it was what was expected of a young quarterback, playing in probably the biggest game of his life to that point. In his second season now, I expect Flacco to make even bigger strides in improving his game management and limiting his mistakes. He has a solid arm and great efficiency and we already know that Baltimore can run the football. Willis McGahee, LeRon McClain and Ray Rice will split carries again this year and look for Rice to be more productive as a pass-catching back as well. Do I even have to even mention the defense? We all know that the Ravens D is the cream of the crop, second only to the next team….Pittsburgh. So why do I have B-More winning the division? Because I like to be different, and because they impressed me in the playoffs last seaso—- I don’t want to repeat myself, you get it.

2) Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)

I know, they’re the defending champions, and blahblahblah. The post-Super Bowl slump is a real thing though, it does exist. Just ask the Giants. Sure, they finished 12-4 last year, but did you see that Philadelphia game?  Exactly. Plus, two Super Bowl rings or not, I still feel the same way about Ben Roethlisberger as I did when he was a rookie: meh. Basically what I’m saying is that their defense should still win them about 5 or 6 games this season and Ben will do just enough to not lose in another 6.

3) Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)

Call me a victim of solid editing by HBO, but the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals are starting to grow on me. I’m a big fan of the Hard Knocks series and this season definitely is not lacking in the entertainment category. Unfortunately, entertainment doesn’t win you football games in the NFL. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. Sure, “Kiss the Baby” might catch on as the next ridiculous catch-phrase in sports, but Esteban needs to catch a few more touchdown passes than he did last year (4) for the Bengals to be relevant. It helps that Carson Palmer is back from last season’s injury and having him under center instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick is definitely good for at least 3 or 4 more wins. When he’s at 100%, there’s not denying that he’s one of the most talented quarterbacks in the league, so Cincinnati will improve with him back on the field.

4) Cleveland Browns (4-12)

There are a lot of funny quarterback battles this season. Between Luke McCown and Byron Leftwich in Tampa Bay (Leftwich won and McCown was just traded to Jacksonville), Alex Smith and Shaun Hill in San Francisco and Mark Sanchez and Kellen Clemens in New York, nothing tops the one going on in Cleveland right now. Derek Anderson vs. Brady Quinn. Nothing says “Rebuilding Year” like having Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn fighting over the quarterback position. Plus, Braylon Edwards would probably drop his own child if it was thrown at him.

AFC South

1) Indianapolis Colts (12-4)

Don’t write off the Colts this season, even with Tony Dungy leaving and Peyton Manning another year older, they’re still the same Indianapolis Colts and believe it or not, he’s still the same Peyton Manning. They didn’t impress a lot of people in the playoffs last year, getting ousted by San Diego in the first round, but the Chargers were one of the hottest teams in the league at that point and they have always had Peyton’s number. He has never had much luck against the 3-4 defense. Manning seems to be getting comfortable with the new system installed by new head coach Jim Caldwell and the Colts should enjoy themselves another solid season.

2) Tennessee Titans (10-6)

The Titans were one of the big surprises of 2008 and coasted into the playoffs with the best record in the AFC before being shut down in the Divisional Playoffs by Baltimore. What happened was that the Ravens played a very similar brand of football as Tennessee, stingy defense, solid running game, real smash-mouth football — only they played it better.  The fact of the matter is that Kerry Collins is good for only 1 of those seasons like he had last year (trust me, as a Giants fan, I would know this) and so don’t expect too much from him this year. Expect them to do much of the same as what won them 13 games last year, only this time they won’t be sneaking up on anybody.

3) Houston Texans (9-7)

This team is slowly getting better and better each season, and people are noticing. Not enough people yet, but the word is getting around. What the Texans really need this season is for Matt Schaub to stay healthy for 16 games. Schaub has a hell of an arm and a solid bunch of receivers to throw to. Andre Johnson put up Pro Bowl numbers last season, most of them coming with Sage Rosenfels throwing to him, and Kevin Walter is one of those quiet, under-the-radar guys that put up 10 TD’s last season without anyone really noticing. Add talented TE Owen Daniels to the mix and Steve Slaton, one of last year’s breakout rookies and there is a great, young team to watch in Houston. Oh, and their defense is pretty good too.

4) Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)

I’ll be honest, I don’t know that much about the 2009 Jacksonville Jaguars. I just know that they were 5-11 last season and that I’ve heard very little about them since training camp started. So I can only assume that they’re pretty much the same guys that were 5-11 last season. Am I right? Correct me if I’m not. Maurice Jones-Drew will put up some great fantasy numbers, but I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in David Garrard. Luckily the Jags have another option now at quarterback just in case things get shaky…they just acquired Luke McCown in a trade from Tampa Bay. At least football fans in North Florida still have the Seminoles to get excited about. Wait, what was that? They lost their season-opener to Miami last night? Sorry I mentioned it then.

AFC West

1) San Diego Chargers (14-2)

Luckily, the last division of this preview is also one of the least exciting divisions in football right now. The Chargers went into the playoffs last season as possibly the hottest team in football, but just couldn’t out-muscle the Steelers. However, don’t forget that they won this division at 8-8. It was equal parts of San Diego winning the division and equal parts of Denver giving the division away to the lowest bidder, and the Chargers are certainly not without flaw. In fact they are far from perfect. They are talented though and have a gunslinger for a quarterback, plus they get to play 6 games against the Broncos, Chiefs and Raiders, which should be enough to win the division on its own. Basically, I have to get behind an AFC team and I choose to be unoriginal and go with the Bolts. Don’t expect me to pick them in the playoffs though, because the man standing on the sidelines with the clipboard is still Norv Turner.

2) Denver Broncos (7-9)

They tried their absolute hardest to lose this division last season, and that was when they still had Jay Cutler. Also before Brandon Marshall completely lost his mind. I’m getting angry while I write this. I actually used to respect the Broncos but I don’t know — I can’t do this anymore, forget it.

3) Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)

The winners of the Matt Cassel Sweepstakes! They’ll have a fun year convincing themselves that they didn’t overpay for someone else’s back-up. I have faith that Cassel will be good for a few extra wins. Plus, Cassel-to-Bowe seems like an exciting possibility. Hey Kansas City, let’s keep Larry Johnson out of bars this season!

4) Oakland Raiders (3-13)

Games won in the last six seasons: 24. Games lost in the last six seasons: 72. Last season with more than 5 wins: 2002. Is Al Davis still alive? Probably. All bad signs for the 2009 Raiders. What’s even worse is that Al Davis is convincing himself on his deathbed, that JaMarcus Russell is the future of Oakland Raiders football.  What’s ironic is that the definition of a black hole (the Raiders’ name for their rabid section of armor-clad, face-painted fans), is a dying star that has collapsed on itself. Much like the Oakland Raiders.





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