NFL Week 2 Picks: Return of the Picks

15 09 2011

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Well, it’s that time of year again. I apologize for missing out on the Week 1 picks. I’m usually fashionably late to most things, and that includes the NFL season, but I felt a lot better about it after watching Sunday’s Giants game because at least I know that they showed up late to the season as well.

But, the picks have returned and so has the fantasy football season and I can now go back to doing what I do best: making myself look like I know absolutely nothing about a league I have watched obsessively since I was 5 years old.

Here is where I stop talking about the picks and start making them. As per the usual, home teams in all CAPS and let the fun begin.

Chicago (+7) over NEW ORLEANS

I don’t think I was the only one that expected a massive hangover from Jay Cutler to start the season after what happened in last year’s NFC championship game and the fact that he broke up with Kristin Cavallari (by the way, I’m referring to a hangover in both the figurative and literal sense). But, he proved us all wrong last week with a convincing win over an Atlanta team that is just a tad overrated. The Saints are the Saints, we know that already.

Kansas City (+8.5) over DETROIT

I’m as excited about the new Detroit Lions as anybody else is. I have Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson on my fantasy teams. But I’m not yet 8.5-point-favorites excited. The Chiefs played last week like they thought the preseason was extended to 5 games and nobody had the heart to tell them that it was their home opener. Not even the fans.

Jacksonville (+9.5) over NY JETS

If you’re noticing a trend, it’s because I’m not sold enough on anyone this early in the season (except maybe Green Bay and New England) to be backing them as 9-point favorites. Especially not the way the Jets defense looked for most of the game against Dallas and especially not since the Jaguars have been notoriously victimizing the Jets at the Meadowlands for years now. Look it up.

Oakland (+3) over BUFFALO

The underdog streak continues! I think Oakland’s win over Denver on Monday night was less of an aberration than Buffalo’s blow-out win over Kansas City. Why? I don’t have a clue. At least I’m honest.

WASHINGTON (-3.5) over Arizona

Last week Rex Grossman made his first NFL start in 5 years. As we all know, the Giants have an extensive history of making quarterbacks that are either making their first start in a long time, or their first start ever, look really, really good. If you don’t believe me, just take a look back to 2007 against Washington and the immortal Todd Collins. That night, he made his first start in a decade — yes, a DECADE — and beat the Giants 22-10. But enough about the Giants. This paragraph is about the Redskins and the Cardinals and about how I couldn’t care less about either team. Kevin Kolb is 1-0!

Baltimore (-6) over TENNESSEE

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a team operate in full-on “F-YOU MODE” like the Baltimore Ravens did on Sunday. Faking the extra point and running it in for a two-point conversion when you’re already up by 20? F YOU PITTSBURGH. And then, Tom Brady took it up a notch one night later and went into complete Madden 12 mode against the Dolphins.

PITTSBURGH (-14) over Seattle

Oh Tarvaris Jackson! You’re such a nightmare, such an indefatigable QB plague, that your team is 14 point underdogs in Week 2 to a team that got blasted the week before! You are going to make so much money for a nation of compulsive gamblers this year! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE?

Green Bay (-9.5) over CAROLINA

Not this time, Cam. Sorry. You might throw for 422 yards in a losing effort when you’re playing a pass defense as porous as Arizona’s, but not against Green Bay. “WELCOME TO THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, CAM NEWTON.” – Clay Matthews.

Tampa Bay (+3) over MINNESOTA

The Vikings should make things fun and open up the quarterback position for their home opener this week. Hold a contest, pick four winners and have each of them play quarterback for the Vikings for one quarter a piece. The person that can throw for more than 39 yards against an NFL defense and beat Donovan McNabb’s Week 1 total, wins season tickets for life. If all four people can do it, then sign one of them.

Cleveland (-2) over INDIANAPOLIS

I knew that the time would eventually come when the Colts would be 2-point underdogs at home to the Cleveland Browns, I just had no clue it would be this soon. I wasn’t ready yet. R.I.P. Indianapolis Colts.

Dallas (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO

Although there’s always the strong possibility that with a lead late in the 4th quarter, Tony Romo will close his eyes and fling the ball directly into the hands of a San Francisco linebacker with a clear path to the end zone.

Houston (-3) over MIAMI

“This is the Texans’ year! Do you hear me? THIS IS IT! Seriously this time. No, really. They WILL make the playoffs this year. I’M TELLING YOU.” – Every NFL analyst.

NEW ENGLAND (-7) over San Diego

There’s absolutely no way that this won’t be one of those 48-41 games where both teams’ punters just stand on the sidelines with their arms awkwardly folded the entire game like they’re waiting for their wives to finish trying on shoes at Macy’s. Plus, it will be really fun for all the fans who are completely wasted from drinking (water) all day!

DENVER (-4) over Cincinnati

Will this finally be the week that Tim Tebow descends from the heavens to save/destroy Denver Broncos football? Probably not.

Philadelphia (-2.5) over ATLANTA

Michael Vick returns to Atlanta! Matty Ice gets booed at home! Cris Collinsworth makes an inappropriate joke! Faith Hill! It’s Sunday Night Football on NBC!

St. Louis (+5.5) over NY GIANTS

We can’t really lose at home to a Rams team that’s missing Steven Jackson, can we? (Don’t answer that.)

 

 


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Trying to Understand the Giants (and Week 5 Quick Picks)

7 10 2010

I love coincidences, especially weird coincidences, and considering that I have a freakish memory when it comes to remembering every Giants game from the last 5 or 6 years, I immediately noticed a very pleasantly weird coincidence after Sunday night’s 17-3 victory over the Chicago Bears. Here it is:

September 30th, 2007 (Week 4)

Giants 16, Eagles 3

Sunday Night Football

After starting the season 1-2 and getting our defense torched by the Cowboys and the Packers in consecutive weeks, we came into a Week 4 Sunday night game against the Eagles looking to pull ourselves back to .500 and stay in the thick of the NFC East race. All of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, the new Steve Spagnuolo defense exploded and we sacked Donovan McNabb an NFL-record tying 12 times, 6 of them coming from Osi Umenyiora. We shut out the Eagles for most of the time until they managed to add a late field goal. By the way, in case anyone forgot, we would go on to finish 10-6 that season and win the Super Bowl.

October 3rd, 2010 (Week 4)

Giants 17, Bears 3

Sunday Night Football

After starting the season 1-2 and getting our defense torched by the Colts and the Titans in consecutive weeks, we came into a Week 4 Sunday night game against the Bears looking to pull ourselves back to .500 and stay in the thick of the NFC East race. All of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, the new Perry Fewell defense exploded and we sacked Jay Cutler 9 times. We knocked him out of the game, then we knocked his backup, Todd Collins, out of the game too. Our 10 total sacks fell 2 short of the record and 6 of them came from Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck. We shut out the Bears for most of the time until they managed to add a late field goal. Of course, we don’t know how this season will turn out yet, I just like coincidences, and this was a pretty fun one to point out.

By no means am I saying that Sunday night was our coming out party and that all of a sudden we have transformed into a defensive force to be reckoned with, but it could have been. Anything can happen in the NFL, we already know that. It’s a strange and sometimes unexplainable game. Could it have taken 3 weeks for the new defensive scheme to finally click and for everything to fall into place for this defense? Certainly, it took 3 weeks in 2007. If you watched that game on Sunday night and didn’t get flashbacks of Super Bowl XLII as Umenyiora crashed through the line and wrapped up Cutler for the 900th time, then you didn’t pay close enough attention. If you watched that defensive domination on Sunday night and it didn’t make you even a little giddy with excitement, then I don’t know what to tell you, you’re probably wasting your time.

I love high-scoring shootouts just as much as the next person, but I may be in the minority when I say that almost 9 times out of 10, I would prefer to see a knock-down, drag-out slugfest over a shootout. On Sunday night, that’s exactly what we got. Was it pretty? No, most of the time it was actually pretty ugly. ESPN’s Bill Simmons was at the game and at one point in the first half he tweeted that watching these two teams was like “watching two five year-olds trying to take down a pinata at a birthday party.” For the majority of the game, the Giants offense seemed just as inept as the Bears offense, but once the second-half rolled around, the offense woke up. Eli Manning didn’t play a perfect game, but he did what he needed to do to help the Giants win, and more importantly, he didn’t make any mistakes. Big throws late in the game to Hakeem Nicks and Steve Smith enabled the Giants to tack on much-needed insurance points and big runs by Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs put the nail in the coffin late in the 4th. Although Bradshaw’s fumble on the Bears 1 as he was going in to score in the 4th gave us flashbacks of the Titans game and probably heartburn too, this time it was the defense that came to the rescue, just as it had been doing all night. We ended up totaling almost 200 yards on the ground against the Bears, who were ranked No. 1 in the league against the run going into Week 4.

Listen, I don’t know whether our defense was that good on Sunday night or if the Bears were just that bad. I’m sure that it was a little bit of both, but what I do know is that the defense was scary good and for the first time in maybe a year, as I walked out of the stadium, I was excited about Giants football. If we can repeat that performance against the Texans high-powered offense this week, then I’ll be thoroughly impressed. Who knows, maybe we will.

Now onto my Week 5 picks. I was under .500 for the 4th week in a row last week (6-8) and I’m well on the way to my worst season ever. I could probably close my eyes and pick these games and still have a better record than I do now.

Denver (+7) over BALTIMORE

Two teams that posted dramatic 4th quarter wins last week. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER.

Jacksonville (pick ‘em) over BUFFALO

This game wouldn’t even be exciting in TECMO Super Bowl.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Kansas City

The Colts, coming off of a rough loss to Jacksonville, going up against the last remaining unbeaten team in the league. Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs are the last unbeaten team in the NFL.

DETROIT (-3) over St. Louis

The Rams are 2-2 right now, which means that they’re only about 5 more wins away from clinching the NFC West.

Atlanta (-3) over CLEVELAND

Atlanta and New Orleans are going to slug it out for the NFC South title later in December. I can feel it coming.

CINCINNATI (-6.5) over Tampa Bay

T.O. had a huge game last week, Carson Palmer had a huge game last week, things look like they’re coming together for the Bengals. Wait….what is that? They didn’t win the game? I bet T.O. didn’t even notice, too busy staring at the box score.

Chicago (+1) over CAROLINA

I mean, the Bears looked absolutely terrible on Sunday night, but to make them underdog to the Panthers….I don’t know if they were that terrible. Okay, maybe they were.

Green Bay (-2.5) over WASHINGTON

Somehow the Packers beat the Lions and scored 28 points last week and Aaron Rodgers was only 12/17 passing. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, and I’m not too happy about it.

HOUSTON (-3) over NY Giants

You know I’m not picking the Giants.

New Orleans (-6.5) over ARIZONA

The Derek Anderson Experiment is turning out about as well for the Cardinals as the Philadelphia Experiment did.

San Diego (-6) over OAKLAND

I’m decidedly undecided about whether or not the Chargers are actually good, and I can’t see that changing after this week either.

Tennessee (+7) over DALLAS

I enjoyed getting the chance to forget the Cowboys existed last week.

Philadelphia (+3) over SAN FRANCISCO

Who is playing quarterback for the Eagles this week? Michael Vick? Kevin Kolb? Randall Cunningham? It’s almost as if Andy Reid doesn’t want to be an NFL coach ever again.

NY JETS (-4) over Minnesota

Minnesota (+4) over NY JETS

I’m going to regret changing this pick, but I’m drunk with excitement over Brett Favre to Randy Moss becoming a reality, as Darrelle Revis limps after him while holding his hamstring.

Last Week: 6-8

Season Totals: 25-37



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NFL Week 14 Picks

10 12 2009

It’s been a few weeks since my last full NFL picks column, so I’m taking the time to give you Week 14, no holds-barred. The Thursday night games have been throwing me off because now I need to have my picks done a full 3 days before I usually do them, so thanks a lot NFL Network, for throwing me off my comfortable routine, and also for providing meaningless games that almost nobody cares about. Come on, Bears-Niners? Jets-Bills, in Canada? Tonight is no better. Steelers-Browns? These games are making me feel fine with the fact that Cablevision doesn’t get the NFL Network. No complaints so far. So let’s get to the picks. As usual, home teams in all caps.

Pittsburgh (-10) over CLEVELAND

Look, I know that I’ve shamelessly name-dropped my fantasy football team so many times in this column that I’m starting to sound like Nicholas Cage plugging another bad movie on Letterman. However, I’m now in the playoffs (at 6-7, it’s a miracle) and it’s starting to get important. At this point in the year, with Michael Turner limping around like House, my most reliable player has become Rashard Mendenhall, a guy I claimed off waivers in Week 4. Tonight they’re expecting a lot of snow in Cleveland. This game has “150 yards, 2 TDs” written all over it for Mendenhall against a weak Cleveland run defense that’s among the bottom 5 in the league. Am I excited about the possibility of him racking up 30 fantasy points on a bad ankle? Yes, absolutely, especially when the team I’m going against has Drew Brees and Chris Johnson. Okay I promise, that’s enough about my fantasy team for at least another 500 words.

Denver (+7) over INDIANAPOLIS

It’s Week 14 and we still have two teams that are undefeated. Some may call it a remarkable season, I just call it the biggest piece of evidence to show that the league has more bad teams this season than ever before. It’s not that the Saints and Colts are that remarkably good, it’s that the teams they are playing (for the most part) are remarkably bad. You mean to tell me that it’s just a huge coincidence that in the 37 years since the ’72 Dolphins we’ve had only one team go undefeated in the regular season (’07 Pats, of course) and now all of a sudden we might have two in one season?

Cincinnati (+7) over MINNESOTA

The 2009 Bengals are a lot like Santa Claus in that I want to believe that they are for real. So I will, for now. I will keep believing, even when Carson Palmer throws 16 passes a game.  (sentence deleted because of content about fantasy team). The people of Cincinnati are rejoicing because this is a team that is one year removed from an 0-8 start and now they have clinched only their second winning season since 1991. That’s fascinating. They’ll have an even bigger reason to celebrate if they can hand the Vikings a second straight loss on Sunday.

TAMPA BAY (+3) over NY Jets

Why am I taking the 1-11 Bucs over the Jets? Because they are the feistiest 1-11 team I’ve ever seen. Also because Kellen Clemens will make the start in place of an injured Mark Sanchez (out with a knee). Luckily, Joe Girardi came last week and showed poor Mark how to slide correctly. Fortunately Rex Ryan was able to get Girardi, because the other option was to get Jose Reyes to come in and show Sanchez how to milk a minor knee injury for 5 months.

Green Bay (-3) over CHICAGO

Okay, I think I’m safe to talk about my fantasy team one more time. I’m excited for this game because I have the Packers defense and I know that they are all staring at a picture of Jay Cutler right now and salivating. I’m thinking of a word that starts with “inter” and rhymes with “ception”. Green Bay is peaking at just the right time for them, and just the wrong time for the Giants. The thing about the NFL is that you need to take care of your own business before you can start counting on other teams to take care of it for you.

New Orleans (-10) over ATLANTA

I don’t know whether to be impressed or confused by the Saints, especially when one week I watch Drew Brees pick apart the New England secondary, and then the next week they’re edging out the Redskins in overtime only because Shaun Suisham can’t kick field goals (don’t worry ‘Skins fans, he was cut this week). WHO ARE YOU, NEW ORLEANS SAINTS? WHO ARE YOU???

Detroit (-13.5) over BALTIMORE

I was wrong about the Baltimore Ravens, I’ll admit it. But then again, so was everyone that gushed about them for the first two months of the season. It’s was a nice honeymoon, but I think we’re seeing what it’s like when Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco come back down to Earth. All I’m saying is, let’s not wet our pants just yet. On the other hand, Ray Rice has passed my first test of stardom. When I look at my opponent’s fantasy team (seriously, I promise, this is the last time) and see him on the roster, I actually mutter “oh crap” very softly to no one in particular. That’s what I call the “oh crap” test. Ray Rice has passed that test. Welcome, Ray.

JACKSONVILLE (-3) over Miami

It’s the 2009 Battle of Florida Teams Who Might Be Relevant Again, Only We Can’t Really Tell Yet, We Just Hope This Game Doesn’t Get Blacked Out! Only on CBS! By the way, the Jacksonville Jaguars currently hold one of the wild card spots in the AFC. What I’m trying to say is, if the season ended today (thank God it doesn’t), the Jacksonville Jaguars would be in the playoffs. Their fans can’t even watch them on television at home because they can’t sell out their games. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 AFC Playoffs!

NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) over Carolina

You know what it means when Bill Belichick starts kicking guys out of practice because they got their $80,000 Hummers stuck in the snow and couldn’t make it to morning meetings on time. It means that it’s Serious Time and when it’s Serious Time, Bill Belichick is serious. It’s not anything like the rest of the year when he’s happy-go-lucky and cracking jokes with the media. Not anymore. He’s cutting off the sleeves to his grey hooded sweatshirt as we speak. I don’t want to be the Panthers defense this week.

HOUSTON (-6) over Seattle

I have nothing to say about this game because I feel like it’s between two 5-7 teams who basically play the same exact game every week. I’m sorry.

TENNESSEE (-13) over St. Louis

Last week was the first time in 5 weeks that I couldn’t tweet “VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES” on Sunday night, because Vince Young did not win a football game last week. This week however, Vince Young will win a football game and I can go back to living my life the way that it should be lived. Thank you, Mr. Young.

Washington (-1) over OAKLAND

This is what I don’t get about the Raiders: they’ll beat the Eagles, Bengals and Steelers, but then they’ll get trounced at home by the Redskins on Sunday. Of course I don’t know this for sure, but I can sense it coming. If it doesn’t happen that way, then we can just conveniently forget that I ever wrote this paragraph. Okay?

San Diego (+3) over DALLAS

Around here, in Giants country, we have a name for the Dallas Cowboys in December and January: Choking Hazards. That’s right, I said it. Let’s see you win something, “America’s Team.” I haven’t enjoyed a Giants win as much as I enjoyed last week’s win in a long while. Probably since the last time we beat the Cowboys. I’m not very fond of Philip Rivers either, but you better believe I’ll be a Chargers fan on Sunday.

Philadelphia (+1) over NY GIANTS

I hate games against the Eagles. Do you want to know how much I hate games against the Eagles? I hate them a lot. First of all, my brother is a huge Eagles fan, so the tension that builds up in our house the days leading up to a Giants-Eagles game is both exciting and uncomfortable at the same time. Second, they have demolished us the last three times we played them, with one of those times being last year’s NFC Divisional Playoffs. Needless to say, I’ll be there at the stadium on Sunday night with my brother, so we’ll see how this one goes. The last time I saw a Giants-Eagles game at the Meadowlands in December, Jeff Garcia took apart our defense like he was taking apart a bunch of Lego’s.

Arizona (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

What has my fantasy football season come down to? Listen, if you’ve stuck with me for this long, then you’ll have to hear me out when I say this: my starting quarterback this weekend is Alex Smith. I’ve endured a long 13 weeks going back and forth between the likes of Matt Ryan, Donovan McNabb (even after I swore I would never touch him again after last season) and Carson Palmer (don’t even get me started about him), but now going into the first round of the playoffs, Ryan is M.I.A. like Andy from Shawshank Prison, Palmer is looking at a possible stat line of 9/22, 121 yards, 1 INT this week against Minnesota’s defense and I can’t possibly start McNabb against the Giants (as important as I think fantasy is, it will never come before my allegiance to the Giants). So it’s come down to this. Alex Smith. I’ve dropped so many Alex Smith jokes in the past few years that I know I have terrible karma going into this game. It all goes to show that the fantasy football gods really, truly hate me.

Last Week: N/A (out with a swine flu)

Season Total: 101-75


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Remembering the Beginning of the Eli Manning Era (and Week 11 Picks)

20 11 2009

On Sunday I’ll be making my third trip up to Giants Stadium this season to see a Giants-Falcons game that at the beginning of the season looked like it would be a late-November battle for NFC supremacy. After all, both the Giants and Atlanta were coming off playoff berths last season and looked poised to get even better. Now this game, while still important, is important for an entirely different reason. Both the Giants and Falcons are 5-4 and locked in a downward spiral. On Sunday, one team will win and improve to 6-4, possibly providing the momentum necessary to save the season and turn things around. On Sunday, one team will lose and drop to 5-5, making it very difficult to make a late-season playoff push. You can call it a do-or-die game, or a building block to bigger things or a hundred other euphemisms, the fact still remains: the Giants absolutely need to win this game. There’s no way around it. Coughlin called the Giants’ last game against San Diego a “one-game playoff”;  if that were true, the Giants have been knocked out already. But then something happened last week. With the Giants resting up on their bye week, both the Eagles and Cowboys, the two teams ahead of Big Blue in the NFC East, both lost. And suddenly this thing is far from over.

Sunday’s game also has me thinking about something else. It has me thinking about the last time the Falcons visited the Meadowlands, 5 years ago tomorrow. On November 21, 2004, I sat in Section 121 and watched Eli Manning, our prized number one draft pick make the first start of his NFL career. Even though I had absolutely no part in Eli Manning’s conception or subsequent birth, part of me felt like I was watching my son take the field for his first pop warner game, or something along those lines. I was still in high school at the time though, and these were still the days where Michael Vick was only 45% hype and 55% talent, as opposed to 95% hype and 5% talent like he has been post-prison stint. Unfortunately, the 55% of talent prevailed on that day and Vick rushed for something like 900 yards against us, in route to a 14-10 win. We did have a chance to win the game, but our last gasp drive was stalled when Eli was picked off by Keith Brooking. On that day in 2004, Eli was hesitant, he was a little unsure, and the impossibly high expectations that he carried with him from Oxford, Mississippi for the rest of that season, and the season after that and the season after that, made it extremely difficult for anyone to see past his shortcomings.

Did that all change when his playoff heroics helped us win the Super Bowl two years ago? I wish I could say it did, but in New York, there is no such thing as a championship grace period, as relentless and unforgiving as that may sound. Now, 5 years after that game against Atlanta, there is no question that Eli has emerged as one of the top quarterbacks in the league. On Sunday, I’d like to see that Eli. The Eli that’s a leader and a cool assassin in the clutch, and not the Eli from 2004 who looked like his lunch was on the way up after every bad pass he threw. I would like to win another Super Bowl (honestly, who wouldn’t?) and I think this team has about as good a shot as any other Giants team I’ve ever watched, even last year’s team. So it starts on Sunday, at home against Atlanta. Back to where it all began.

On to this week’s quick picks, sponsored by nobody. Home teams in all caps.

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland

Mangini wasn’t the first coach to be fired this season? I guess cameos in The Sopranos do go a long way. You should have thought about that before you turned down the part, Dick Jauron.

Buffalo (+9) over JACKSONVILLE

And the countdown to T.O.’s first sideline temper tantrum begins….(checking watch)….NOW!

Pittsburgh (-10) over KANSAS CITY

Nothing allows you to heal the wounds of getting swept by the Bengals quite like a game against the Chiefs.

Indianapolis (-1) over BALTIMORE

This game has “37-3 Colts” written all over it.

NY GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta

I don’t know why I’m doing this. Please, someone tell me why I’m doing this. Oops, too late.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco

Brett Favre against Steve Young, should be a great game (2000).

MINNESOTA (-11) over Seattle

Brett Favre against Matt Hasselbeck, should be a boring game (2009).

Washington (+11) over DALLAS

Only because I know there’s no way that three different teams are going to cover 11+ point spreads this week.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY

10-0 is when the people start talking. Can you handle that, Saints? Although the Pats 16-0 regular season a few years ago has taken some of that edge off.

Arizona (-9) over ST. LOUIS

Just a few more wins for the Cardinals before they go back to looking like they don’t really care. Just in time for the playoffs! Hey, it worked for them last year.

NY Jets (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND

No I will not take the Patriots! Rex Ryan cried during a team meeting this week. HE CRIED. Do you know what that means?

Cincinnati (-9.5) over OAKLAND

Part of me is hoping for this game to be close so that a few people will vacate the Bengals bandwagon. I’m in Standing Room Only right now. My legs are getting tired and I’d like to have a seat.

San Diego (-3) over DENVER

Broncos should have stuck with wearing their mustard and brown Denver Omelettes uniforms. Ugly uniforms help teams win, just ask the Jets and Bucs.

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO

-3 is the spread, and also what Jay Cutler fantasy owners see every time he throws another INT. I’m just kidding, I know that there aren’t any Jay Cutler fantasy owners….right?

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON

VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES.

Last Week: 7-8

Season Total: 81-63


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MEGA, SUPERSIZED, COLOSSAL 2009 NFL Season Preview, Part I (Don’t say I didn’t warn you)

29 08 2009

The 2008 NFL season was one of the wackiest, most upside-down seasons I can ever remember watching in real life (as opposed to some really crazy seasons I’ve played in Madden). The 2007 MVP Tom Brady went down for the season on only the second play from scrimmage, however the Patriots still managed to finish 11-5, but then didn’t even make the playoffs. The Miami Dolphins came out of nowhere (literally nowhere) and went from 1-15 the previous season to 11-5 and AFC East Champions.

The defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants looked to be in top-form all season and were favorites to repeat until Plaxico Burress decided to shoot himself in the thigh and somehow, the NFC Championship ended up coming down to the Eagles and the Cardinals, two teams who in Week 16 looked like they didn’t even want to make the playoffs.

Oh and the Lions went 0-16.

That was your 2008 season recap. So without further adieu, here’s your 2009 season preview, all 40,000 words of it.

Since I’m likely going to roll off 2,000 words for the NFC East and NFC North, I’ll do myself and everyone else a favor by limiting the preview to two divisions per day. That way, I can do a 4-part mega special. So here’s Part 1:

NFC

East

1) New York Giants (11-5)

Even the most hardheaded diehard fans (much like myself) have to admit that there are some problems going into this season that weren’t really addressed by the front office in the offseason. For example, our star wide receiver, who caught the winning touchdown in Super Bowl XLII is now going to be doing his best Paul Crewe impression in state prison, just in time to takeover the team that Michael Vick had to leave last month. So now, instead of going out and signing a veteran WR to fill the gaping hole left by not only Burress’s absence but also Toomer’s (who left for Kansas City in free agency) Eli Manning is going to have to rely on a bevy of young wide receivers who may or may not catch 50% of the passes thrown at them. Domenik Hixon, Steve Smith, Hakeem Nicks, Sinorice Moss, Ramses Barden, and Mario Manningham. Not exactly household names, but only time will tell how they can adapt to playing professional football in New York.

As for the backfield, the Giants lost Derrick Ward, 1/3 of the famous Earth, Wind and Fire backfield to Tampa Bay this spring, turning the aforementioned trio into something that now more resembles Boyz II Men. But have no fear, Brandon Jacobs looks to be at the top of his game, coming off of a 15 TD season a year ago and Ahmad Bradshaw should be the perfect change-of-pace back with fresh legs to navigate the gaping holes created by a Pro Bowl offensive line.

Plus, the defense is 100% healthy and some analysts have remarked that this year’s Giants defensive line has the potential to be one of the best D-lines ever. So that’s something to be excited about.

2) Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)

I can’t really begin to try and understand what direction the Eagles wanted to go in when they signed Michael Vick a few weeks ago to a 2-year contract. If it was strictly a move to make headlines, then they accomplished that. Frankly, if I never hear Michael Vick’s name ever again, I won’t be upset. He hadn’t even stepped on the field in a preseason game before protesters were already outside the Linc marching for him. We haven’t even seen PETA bring out the big guns yet. How will this relationship between McNabb and Vick work out? Not well. And I don’t have to be an expert analyst to know that this experiment is not going to end well. Two superstars on one team playing the same position. Do you know what comes with superstars? Superstar egos. McNabb can talk all he wants about how he campaigned to get Vick to Philly, but when it comes down to it, and Vick starts taking snaps away from him and McNabb’s going in on plays lined up as a wide receiver, he might feel differently. And I have a feeling that it’s started already. Plus, you have to know that the first time McNabb screws up, the Philly fans will be starting a “WE WANT VICK” chant faster than they can scarf down a cheesesteak. Oh wait….that already happened the other night.

Luckily for Eagles fans, the team is virtually the same team from last year, plus the key additions of Jeremy Maclin and LeSean McCoy (who should end up being solid relief for Brian Westbrook’s old knees by the second half of the season when he’s usually as beat up as a ’74 Chevelle). The loss of Brian Dawkins and several other key defensive players may prove costly down the stretch, but the Eagles have what it takes to make another playoff run, for the most part.

3) Dallas Cowboys (10-6)

I had a different beginning for this paragraph, but I forgot it because I was distracted by all the Cowboys fans loudly trying to convince themselves that their team is better off without Terrell Owens. Sure, whatever you say. So who is going to make up those 15 touchdowns this season? Sam Hurd? One thing the Cowboys do have going for them this season is the massive behemoth of a scoreboard hanging from the ceiling of their new stadium. Now if only they can get it to block the opposing team’s end zone instead of punts, Tony Romo might have a chance to win his first playoff game.

4) Washington Redskins (9-7)

I didn’t hear a whole lot about the Redskins this offseason, which is odd considering nary a spring goes by without Dan Snyder hopelessly pursuing big name free agents and making the salary cap his bitch. Maybe the last few second-half collapses have opened his eyes to the fact that aimlessly throwing money around does not equate to wins in the NFL. Either way, Jason Campbell showed signs of maturing last season and this being the second full year now under Jim Zorn’s system, expect improvement for the Skins. Just not enough improvement to give them a chance of making the playoffs in one of the league’s most competitive divisions.

North

1) Chicago Bears (10-6)

The season is going to come down to the final week in the NFC North because (with the exception of the Lions) this is one of the most evenly matched divisions in the league. The Vikings barely squeaked away with the division title last year after a Week 17 win over the Giants, but this year is the year that the Bears return to the top. The Bears made an impressive run at the tail end of last season but ultimately fell short of winning the division. However they did improve on last year’s team already just by getting Jay Cutler in that unbelieveably ridiculously stupid trade from Denver that sent Kyle Orton to the Broncos. I can only imagine that the phone conversation between Lovie Smith and Josh McDaniels went something like this:

JM: Listen Lovie, Cutler is really starting to piss me off, I need to show this team who’s boss, I can’t come in here, expect to right the ship and let my QB walk all over me. Do you want him?

LS: (laughing) Yeah, I’d love to have Jay Cutler, did you watch any of our games last year? Do you have any clue who I’m starting this season? Kyle Orton. And my next best choice is Rex Grossman. That’s like choosing between herpes and gonorrhea.

JM: How about Cutler for Orton, straight-up?

LS: (silence)

JM: You still there?

LS: (trying not to laugh, which maniacally rubbing his hands together) Deal.

That’s like trading a mini-fridge for a 60-inch flatscreen TV. Seriously. Regardless, Cutler has no one to throw to, save for a punt-returner-turned-wide receiver called Devin Hester. The defense is as strong as ever though, and Cutler has one of the best arms in the league. Add Matt Forte to the mix, one of last year’s biggest surprises, and the Bears have a winning formula.

2) Minnesota Vikings (10-6)

I’m trying to keep this paragraph brief so I don’t have to mention the name of the quarterback that the Vikings recently signed. But by explaining this, I’m already breaking my rule of not mentioning him and look, that’s already 30-something words about someone who I didn’t even want to mention. BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE. There, it’s out there now. Honestly, his rotator cuff isn’t 100% and I see him being on injured reserve before Week 10. There isn’t a rift in the Minnesota locker room right now, but there will be. Just watch. And All Day can run for another 2,000 yards if he wants to, but you’re only going so far when you have a 41-year old quarterback who doesn’t know when to retire, and who is backed up by Tarvaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte.

3) Green Bay Packers (9-7)

Aaron Rodgers looks infinitely more comfortable in his second full season as starting quarterback and he has a number of reliable weapons in Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, who had a breakout year in 2008. Plus, drafting Boston College’s B.J. Raji adds to an already solid defense. Last season was a disappointment for Green Bay, but they have the talent and the potential to turn it around this season.

4) Detroit Lions (4-12)

They have the #1 pick in the draft in Georgia’s Matthew Stafford, but we all know how much that means (I’m looking at you, Alex Smith). Anyway, he won’t be starting the season at QB. Instead, Daunte Culpepper will get the nod, at least for the first few weeks. Expect Stafford to be starting by the midway point of the season though if the Lions start off slow (and they will). Let’s face it though, if they win 2 games, it will still be a vast improvement over last season’s 0-16 train wreck.

NFC South and West Previews coming tomorrow, stay tuned!


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