NFL Week 10 Picks: Going to the Movies

13 11 2009

I didn’t get time to really sit down with this week’s picks because of tonight’s impromptu Thursday night game (that I’ve been aware of for at least 2 weeks) between the Bears and 49ers. It’s probably better off that I am making these picks on the fly, considering I was 5-8 last week and my fantasy football team is sinking like the Lusitania. In other words, I don’t know anything about football right now. So, to waste as little of your time as possible, let’s do some quick picks, with my analysis for each pick whittled down to a movie title. The NFL picks have gone Hollywood!

Per the usual, all home teams in caps…

SAN FRANCISCO (-3) over Chicago

Zombieland. Dedicated to Jay Cutler and Alex Smith. I can’t believe how many people piled on the Bears bandwagon before this season. Like Jay Cutler could ever lead a team to the Super Bowl. That would be like thinking Rex Grossman could lead a team to the Super Bowl. We all know that would never happen….wait….

*Note: By the way, I picked this game before last night, I just didn’t have time to get the column up before it was over. On a related note, I’m glad I don’t have the NFL Network after finding out what an awful game that was. 10-6, Niners. Really.

NY JETS (-7) over Jacksonville

The Green Mile. Dedicated to Jets head coach Rex Ryan. Congratulations on coaching a 4-4 team with possibly the biggest collective ego in the history of 4-4 teams. It seems like you’re miles away from that 3-0 record and all the Super Bowl talk that came with it. In Week 4.

Denver (-3.5) over WASHINGTON

The Hangover. Dedicated to the Washington Redskins. I’d rather have a massive hangover than watch a Redskins game. Also, I know the Broncos are on a slide and everything, but we’re content to make them only 3.5 point favorites over the Redskins? Really? The Washington Redskins?

Cincinnati (+7) over PITTSBURGH

Big Fish. Dedicated to the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals. If the Bengals want to convince everyone that they’re truly the contenders that Ochocinco says they are, then they have to keep taking down the Big Fish of the AFC North. They beat the Steelers in their first meeting back in Week 3 and have already swept the Ravens. With a 4-0 record within their division, a win on Sunday over Pittsburgh would go a long way in helping Cincy secure a division title. If you would have told me at this time last year that the 2009 Bengals would be in position to take over first place in the division in Week 10 I would have punched you right in the face.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Buffalo

Up. Dedicated to Vince Young’s stock. It could be because of the fact that a scarecrow could probably play better quarterback than Kerry Collins, or it could be because of one of my favorite things to say in all caps: VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES. Heck, who’s to say that they won’t roll off 10 straight wins and make the playoffs? Actually, I say they won’t, but it doesn’t matter. It can only get better from here for the Titans and Vince Young.

MINNESOTA (-17) over Detroit

Gran Torino. Dedicated to Brett Favre because he reminds me of Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino: as old as dirt but still kicking ass. For now.

New Orleans (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS

V for Vendetta. Dedicated to Drew Brees and the Saints. Why? Because every week it seems like they have a personal vendetta against the league. For years everyone has talked up their offense but said that they couldn’t get the job done on defense and that’s what would prevent them from being a true championship contender. Now? Their defense is almost as strong as their offense and they are ripping through this league with a vengeance. Hell hath no fury like a Drew Brees scorned. Seriously, I’m afraid of the Saints right now.

Atlanta (-1.5) over CAROLINA

Saving Private Ryan. Dedicated to Matt Ryan. If anyone needs saving, it’s this guy. Maybe I wouldn’t notice his recent decline (more like freefall) if he wasn’t the starting quarterback on my fantasy team, but he is, so I’m noticing. It’s like he got involved with a shady mob guy who told him he would break his kneecaps if his QB rating went over 80 for the rest of the season. This is why I am now involved with my ex-QB Donovan McNabb once again. If there’s one thing I have learned from fantasy football, it’s this: try as hard as possible to stay away from your exes. Bad news.

Tampa Bay (+10) over MIAMI

The Third Man. Dedicated to Bucs QB Josh Freeman. They tried Byron Leftwich and that didn’t work. Then they tried Josh Johnson for a few seconds. That didn’t work either. Now it’s Josh Freeman’s turn. The rookie out of Kansas State looked impressive last week in the Bucs thrashing of Green Bay, and many scouts considered him the best overall athlete in the 2009 draft. Will Josh Freeman be the answer for Tampa Bay? I have no clue. And neither does Vegas, which is why they’re 10 point underdogs to the Dolphins.

OAKLAND (-2) over Kansas City

Raiders of the Lost Ark. Dedicated to…the Raiders. Not only is the ark lost, but we can count a good chunk of their fan base and pretty much most of their dignity as a franchise gone too. Can we move them back to Los Angeles after this season and forget this ever happened?

ARIZONA (-8.5) over Seattle

No Country for Old Men. Dedicated to Kurt Warner and Matt Hasselbeck. The glory days are quickly passing by for these two QB’s and I think Kurt had his last legitimate shot at another title last season. I don’t think the Cardinals have what it takes to make it back again and I don’t think the Seahawks would have a shot if they consolidated the NFC West down to two teams.

Philadelphia (+1) over SAN DIEGO

Destroying Fantasy Teams in My Sleep. Dedicated to LaDainian Tomlinson. I know that’s not a real movie, but LDT should be arrested for what he has done to fantasy owners who have taken the risk of drafting him for the last two years now. It’s obscene. He’s like the Ted Bundy of fantasy players, killing teams left and right.

Dallas (-3) over GREEN BAY

The Shining. Dedicated to the Green Bay Packers defense because I’m going to reenact that scene with Jack Nicholson and the axe in the bathroom door if they decide to allow another 38 points this week.

INDIANAPOLIS (-3) over New England

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Dedicated to Tom Brady because he is the Lord of the Rings in the NFL right now and until someone takes the throne from him, he is still the king. Although this is the perfect opportunity for Peyton Manning and the Colts to snatch the throne out from under Brady and the Pats. Peyton, in a night game at home, is almost unbeatable as of late. This will be the night when we find out whether the Patriots are back or whether the Colts have arrived. Either way, this game needs a bonus movie: There Will Be Blood.

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND

This is Really the Monday Night Game? Dedicated to the people at ESPN who scheduled this snoozefest. The Brady Quinn-Derek Anderson debacle is on it’s 25th cycle right now with Quinn set to make the start on Monday night. They’ve flip-flopped QB’s so many times that I’m starting to get nauseous.

Last Week: 5-8

Season Total: 74-55


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Dog Days of Summer (Sorry Eagles fans, no pun intended)

28 08 2009

What have I missed in the three weeks since I last updated? Apparently, I missed a lot. Well, I didn’t exactly miss it, I’m well aware of what’s going on, I just haven’t had a chance to write about it. Blame vacation. Long gone are the slow, languid days of August where the big stories in sports are few and far between. Maybe a steroid scandal or two sprinkled in between NFL training camp and the early, lightly drawn beginnings of a pennant race, but typically the dog days of August are quiet and humid.

Not this August though. In fact, less than a month ago, back on July 29th, I wrote this in my column about the Brett Favre and Michael Vick sagas:

“As enthralled as I have been to follow this thrilling coverage, I’m reluctant to say that yesterday Favre decided to stay retired (for now) and on Monday, Goodell handed down a conditional reinstatement to Vick, essentially allowing him to play in the league again by Week 6, if he can find a team that can tolerate the thousands of rabid PETA protesters that will likely picket outside of every game he starts from now on.

Maybe in a few years we can look forward to “BRETT FAVRE! MICHAEL VICK! IT’S SUPER BOWL XLV ON FOX!!!””

Three weeks later, Brett Favre is, in fact, unretired yet again and the starting quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, and tomorrow night, Michael Vick, the real-life Paul Crewe, will be making his preseason debut at quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.  I can’t say I’m the only one who saw this coming, because let’s be honest, this news came as less of a surprise to me than when I found out that pro wrestling was fixed.  Now it’s not really possible for Favre and Vick to face each other in this year’s Super Bowl because they’re both playing for NFC teams, but is the possibility of an Eagles-Vikings match-up in the NFC title game completely out of the question? No, it’s not. Hence, why I should be getting paid for this.

Since I’m sure that everyone is tired of hearing about Brett Favre and Michael Vick, just as I’m tired of seeing people misspell Favre’s name in Facebook statuses (Farve? Really? And how long have you been a football fan?), I will move on to more pressing matters. Like, for example, this year’s tantalizing pennant races and wild card races are heating up now. As we get ready to close out the month of August and flip the calendar to September, we enter the final month of the major league baseball regular season and as of today’s standings it looks to me like every division, with the exception of the NL East and the NL Central, is still up for grabs. The Phillies hold a 7-game lead over the Marlins and Braves in the East, and honestly, the way that Philly is playing right now, with Jimmy Rollins finally getting his swing back and Cliff Lee pitching like Sandy Koufax, I don’t see either team catching them.

As for the Cardinals, they have a 8.5-game lead on the Cubs right now, which is the biggest division lead in the league right now. Pujols has 40 HRs and Chris Carpenter, pitching in his first full season since 2006 after Tommy John surgery, is 14-3 and making a bid for his second Cy Young award. So I would imagine that it’s safe to say that it will now be 101 years for those poor Cubbie fans from the North side.

As for the other 4 divisions, it’s anyone’s game. The Yankees have what seems like a pretty firm 6-game lead on the Red Sox, but with the history that these two teams have between each other (1978 pennant race, 2004 ALCS, etc), would anything really surprise you at this point? The Yankees are in a three-game series right now with the Rangers, who the Red Sox have a 1.5 game lead over in the Wild Card race, so I would guess that Boston will be doing a good amount of scoreboard monitoring over the next few nights.

The Dodgers would be doing scoreboard watching, if not for the fact that they just spent the last three games in Colorado trying not to passively watch as their season imploded in front of their eyes. Before this week’s series against the surging Rockies, the Dodgers division lead, which was once comfortably in the double digits, had shrunk to a minuscule 3 games and it looked like the Dodgers were putting on their best 2008 Mets impression. But the Dodgers took 2 out of 3 from the Rockies and now their lead is at 4 with a month to go.

The Rockies (looking a lot like the 2007 version of themselves that improbably made the World Series, and less like last year’s disappointment of a team) have a back-up plan luckily, if they can’t catch the Dodgers before season’s end. They hold a 3-game lead in the Wild Card standings over San Francisco.

As for the MVP races in both leagues? Four words. Albert. Pujols. Joe. Mauer.

Stay tuned for an action-packed NFL 2009 Season Preview coming up this weekend. Good luck on your fantasy football drafts everyone, and whatever you do, try to stay away from Brandon Marshall.


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