Five Amazing Non-Predictions for the 2010 Baseball Season

4 04 2010

Hey Carlos, let's try to play more than 40 games this year. Alright?

Why do I love the spring so much? Well, there are several reasons. I’m sure you don’t want me to list every single one, so I’ll cut right to the point of this column. Aside from the weather getting warmer and girls suddenly wearing fewer clothes, I can always trace my love of the spring back to one thing: the start of a new baseball season!

I could smell it when I walked outside today: the crisp, early April air, the smell of springtime and the stench of inevitable disappointment. Of course, the disappointment can be traced directly to the start of a fresh, new baseball season that is finally here. Tomorrow, the New York Metropolitans will take the field in beautiful Flushing for the first time in 2010 to defend their fourth-place finish in 2009. The only thing that stands in our way for a last-place finish this year are those damn pesky Nationals, they just can’t stop losing!

All kidding aside though, I am as ready as I’ll ever be for another baseball season. Last year’s playoffs took a lot out of me. Having to endure a Yankees-Phillies World Series was about as enjoyable as having my fingernails removed one-by-one while being forced to listen to Justin Bieber on repeat. The one thing that is refreshing about the start of a new season is that for at least a few hours, everyone has the same record. It’s a blank slate, a clean start and just about anything can happen, including A-Rod tearing his hamstring on a bad slide into second or Chase Utley getting drilled in the kneecap by a fastball.

My fantasy league draft is tonight at 7 pm, just before the official start of the season at Fenway and thanks to Bill Simmons’ enlightening column this past week on the sabermetrics revolution, I can actually pretend that I know what I’m doing this year, at least until I end up drafting John Lackey four rounds too early.

What it all comes down to though is the simple fact that the beginning of the season is the perfect time to start throwing out uneducated predictions based solely on opinions and gut instinct. We all do this to some degree, even the professionals, so I’m going to take my predictions one step further (or one step backwards, it depends on how you look at it) and I’m going to give you five of my best non-predictions going into the 2010 season. In other words, I’m not really making any grand statements with these.

1) I will not be disappointed with the New York Mets in 2010. What a prediction, right? Not at all. All it means is that I have zero expectations for the New York Mets in 2010. Zero expectations means zero disappointment when they’re 11 games out of first place in the middle of June. That’s what I’m saying. Plus, if the pieces do happen to magically fall into place and we don’t send half of our starting line-up to the DL before the All-Star Break, then that’s a bonus. Either way, you won’t hear me complaining. Actually, you will. Do you know why? It’s because I enjoy complaining. I feel like some of my better writing comes from me complaining about my favorite teams, and you know what, I’m perfectly fine with that. After all, weren’t blogs started as just another way for people to complain about things over the internet? I’m pretty sure they were.

2) Mr. Met still won’t be the most confusing mascot in baseball, thanks to the Philly Phanatic.

WHAT ARE YOU???

3) At least one big name player will be injured for a majority of the season and we will spend 4 or 5 months thinking about where said player’s team would have finished this season if he had been healthy and discussing another hundred different hypothetical scenarios. The player might be Albert Pujols, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, Manny Ramirez, Joe Mauer, Chase Utley, Mark Teixeira, anyone who most likely used steroids at all in the past decade, or the entire New York Mets roster.

4) The American League East will be won by a team from New York or Boston. GROUNDBREAKING, I KNOW! Listen, I know the Rays took this division two years ago and ran all the way to the World Series, and I know that their lineup going into this season is one of the best in the AL, on paper. All of that sounds good, and I would like to think Tampa can be a threat, but with Boston’s starting pitching and New York’s lineup, I don’t think any team that isn’t named the Red Sox or the Yankees really has more than an outside shot at winning the division. Sorry, anybody in Tampa, Baltimore or Toronto. Luckily, I also know how it feels to be a fan of a team that you know has no shot at making the playoffs. So why do I watch? Because I like to be tortured. But hey, THAT’S WHY THEY PLAY THE GAMES, AM I RIGHT?

5) My World Series prediction. Actually, here are my predictions for the whole playoffs. Think of it as a bonus. Or think of it as even more things that I will probably be wrong about:

AL East: New York Yankees

AL Central: Minnesota Twins

AL West: Seattle Mariners

AL Wild Card: Boston Red Sox

ALDS: Yankees over Mariners; Red Sox over Twins

ALCS: Yankees over Red Sox

NL East: Philadelphia Phillies

NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals

NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers

NL Wild Card: Milwaukee Brewers

NLDS: Cardinals over Dodgers; Phillies over Brewers

NLCS: Cardinals over Phillies

World Series: Cardinals over Yankees, 4-2

The season officially gets underway in a little less than 2 hours. Let’s hope it’s a good one. Now, it’s time for me to break out my calculator, pull up last season’s VORP ratings and try to pick a winning fantasy team.


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Simmons vs. Olbermann: Battle Royale!

12 03 2010

The Bill Simmons-Keith Olbermann beef started the way most good beefs tend to start – with a veiled insult hidden beneath a few sharply-worded phrases. And just like famous squabbles of the past,  like Jay-Z/Nas and 50 Cent/Ja Rule, the irony of the situation lies in the fact that both parties involved have a few more similarities between each other than they would admit. It’s funny, and a little bit intriguing at the same time. But for now, let’s focus on the funny part, for the sake of this column.

The internet-driven drama began when Bill Simmons now infamously compared Tiger Woods’ imminent transition back into golf to Muhammad Ali’s return to boxing after his 2-year exile following his refusal to fight in the Vietnam War. Upon first glance, this argument looks baseless and also rather amateur. I mean, he’s comparing a self-proclaimed sex addict who couldn’t keep his you-know-what in his pants to a man who was vilified by the national media for standing up for his religious beliefs, and oh yeah also for being black. Stupid, right?

Well, that’s where most of the criticism (including that of the almighty and wise Keith Olbermann) strays. You see, if a certain Keith Olbermann were to perhaps take a 10-15 minute break from being an “unlikable blowhard” (Simmon’s words, not mine) to actually read the article and understand the point Simmons was trying to make, maybe he would have realized that Simmons was in no way trying to compare Woods’ predicament to that of Muhammad Ali. It would be silly to assume that the situation that Tiger Woods put himself in could ever be placed alongside the one that Ali was simply trying to avoid. Furthermore, their reception in the national media vastly differs as well. Whereas Woods has been an extremely likable and highly-marketable commodity in the sports world for most of his career, Ali was received quite differently by most of America for the majority of his career, due to the color of his skin and bolstered by the fact that he refused to be referred to by his “slave name”.

The legends of these two athletes then diverged in two opposite directions. Woods, following his multiple affairs, has now turned into somewhat of a villain as far as most of Americans are concerned, whereas Ali returned to boxing as a hero of sorts, amidst the protest and civil unrest that surrounded the quagmire in Vietnam.

So, shame on Bill Simmons for ever choosing to juxtapose the plight of these two men. One, a self-made heel and the other, a hero and a symbol of hope for a nation in turmoil. Shame on him for taking a topic that was been unrelentingly beaten into the ground by the media for the last three months and giving it a new spin, a fresh take, a unique perspective. Shame on him for ever touching the oh-so-sensitive topics of Muhammad Ali and the Vietnam War and civil rights lest he not recycle every stale stock story that exists on the subjects.

If the suits at ESPN are really up in arms over Simmons’ column like Olbermann claims they are, then clearly there is a severe lack of understanding present. John Mayer says the n-word in Playboy and gets discussed for a few minutes on The View, but Bill Simmons (God forbid) compares Tiger Woods to Muhammad Ali and gets lambasted by every pompous sports anchor-turned-political analyst there is. Give me a break. In fact, give us all a break, please.

Among many other things he’s missing (like a sense of humor, for example), Mr. Olbermann is also missing the point here. Actually reading the article would have revealed that Simmons was not comparing Woods’ plight to that of Ali. He was simply stating that the pressure Woods will face in returning to his highest level of competition on the golf course will be more difficult than the pressure that Ali faced in regaining the Heavyweight title. In fact, here is Simmons’ original thesis, as quoted from his March 3rd column:

“When Tiger Woods returns to golf, he will face a level of pressure that well surpasses anything any other transcendent athlete has faced in my lifetime.”

His argument was not referring to the pressure of whether or not Woods will ever be accepted by sports fans as the Tiger Woods we knew before his “incident”. His argument was instead referring to the pressure that will surround him as he attempts to retain his status as the world’s best golfer. The argument, as I understand it, refers only to the pressure Woods will face in trying to return to the top of the golf world and not to whether or not he can win back the hearts of America. That’s not the issue at question.

Of course, I don’t need to summarize the original column, you can read it yourself, but the point is this: upon Ali’s return to boxing, he entered with the support of most of a nation and was handed a few cotton-candy opponents to help him work his way back to the title. In Woods’ case, he will most likely dive head first right into the Masters and be expected to perform at the highest level with the eyes of an entire nation watching and criticizing his every move and his every word. If he comes out and falls 6 strokes out of the lead, he gets hammered with doubt and we get hammered with “Is Tiger Finished?” stories.

One final thing that bothered me about Olbermann’s misguided missive was his assertion that Simmons is “infallible” and apparently incapable of admitting when he is wrong. Once again, this is coming from someone who clearly has not had his ridiculously inflated head out of his own behind for long enough to actually read Bill Simmons work, because from what I see in his columns, he is perfectly capable of calling out his own mistakes and admitting he is wrong. He does it quite often actually, and his self-deprecating humor is what endears him as the “everyman sports writer” that his fans love.

So, Keith Olbermann, the next time you attempt to start a childish internet war by making snide comments about a writer you clearly know nothing about, you should try to see past your $600 designer glasses and your awful “trying-too-hard-to-sound-intelligent” jokes and actually take a moment to understand the article you so openly criticize. Bill Simmons is one of the most widely read sports writers in the world and his recent 700-page Book of Basketball was #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list. Stick with what you’re good at doing, which is forcing uncomfortable laughter out of Bob Costas on “Football Night in America” and being full of yourself.


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Ready or Not, It’s Time for the Playoffs (And Why I Think The Packers Will Win It All)

5 01 2010
Green Bay Packers v Arizona Cardinals

Aside from the NCAA Tournament in March, the NFL Playoffs are probably my favorite postseason event in sports, even when the Giants aren’t playing. Do you want to know why I love the NFL Playoffs? If you don’t, just skip the next few sentences, because I’m going to tell you anyway. I love the NFL Playoffs because you get one chance, and that’s it. There are no best-of-5 series, there are no brutally long best-of-7 series that drag out for a week and a half. There is one game and one game only. If you’re unprepared, it will show. Typically in best-of-7 series, the team that is supposed to win, will win. In the NFL Playoffs, anything can happen. Often enough, anything does happen. That’s why I love the NFL Playoffs, because you can have a team like the 2008 Arizona Cardinals get hammered in Week 16 against the Patriots and lose by 40 points but then suddenly get hot at the right time and be in the Super Bowl a month later. I love the NFL Playoffs because a 10-6 wild-card team that everybody wrote off two months before can beat the number 1 and 2 seeds in the NFC in back-to-back weeks on the road and then stun an undefeated team to win the Super Bowl. Do I need to explain myself anymore?

If you’re getting deja vu from looking at the games slated for this weekend’s Wild Card playoff round, that’s because three out of the four match-ups are repeats from last week, and two of them are even being played on the same field. If I was the Elias Sports Bureau I would probably be able to tell you if that has ever happened before, but I don’t have those kinds of statistics in front of me, so for now I’m going to have to go out on a limb and guess that it is a pretty rare occurrence. Both the Packers and Eagles will return to the scene of the crime from Week 17 for a playoff rematch. The Packers easily handed the Cardinals a 33-7 loss in Glendale on Sunday, and will hope for a repeat performance this weekend. Meanwhile, the Eagles are hoping to actually show up in Arlington this Saturday night, because from what I saw they sure as hell didn’t show up on Sunday, losing 24-0 to the Cowboys and also losing out on a chance for the #2 seed in the NFC. In doing so, they dropped from the #3 seed all the way down to the #6 seed, ensuring that they will not have a home game in the playoffs. Going from possibly having a first-round bye and a home game in the Divisional round to being the #6 seed in the span of a few hours was probably just as disheartening for Eagles fans as remembering that they’ve lost 4 NFC title games in the last 7 years.

As for the Cardinals, I think we’ve all learned our lesson about writing off teams that look like a bunch of ghosts with uniforms on in Week 17. Last year’s Cardinals team taught us that lesson, and maybe they’re trying to reteach it again this year. All I know is that Sunday’s Packers-Cardinals game will certainly be a lot closer than 33-7.

So two exact, carbon-copy rematches from Week 17 in the first-round of the playoffs for the first time ever (yes, I’ve actually done the research now, so I can say that with confidence), and that’s just the NFC. What about the AFC? Well, there’s the remarkable story of the New York Jets. Even Rex Ryan wrote this team off a few weeks ago, but now they’re suddenly the toast of the town. How did this happen? I have no clue. I can take a shot in the dark though and attribute their sudden and inexplicable success to a few things:

1) Their cream puff of a schedule. The Jets won 9 games this year against Houston, New England, Tennessee, Oakland, Carolina, Buffalo, Tampa Bay, Indianapolis*, Cincinnati*. Three of those wins came against playoff teams, including Indy and Cincy in the last two weeks, but I’ll explain the asterisks in my next point.

2) They beat Indy and Cincy teams that were pretty much only on the field to collect a paycheck the last two weeks. Peyton Manning was out of the game by halftime in Week 16 allowing the Jets opportunistic defense to take advantage of a terrified Curtis Painter to the point where I was about to call DYFS on Jim Caldwell. And then on Sunday night, they trampled a Cincinnati team that clearly didn’t have any incentive to put on a show. I mean, Carson Palmer was 1/11 for 0 yards before being replaced by J.T. O’Sulli-beard. If those stats don’t scream, “The Football Felt Like a Frozen Brick, Somebody Give Me Coffee and Get Me Out of This Game Before Kimo Von Oelfhoffen Comes Out of Nowhere and Dives At My Knees”, then I don’t know what does.

3) Every single thing that the Jets needed to happen in the last two weeks in order to make the playoffs, happened.

But hey, I’m not bitter! So let’s move on to the next AFC Wild Card match-up featuring the New England Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. Ironically, the Patriots, one of the only teams that I have been able to consistently figure out for the past 4 or 5 years is turning out to be the only team that I really don’t understand this season. Are they good? Are they a shell of their former selves? I can’t even tell anymore. However, if Wes Welker’s injury is as bad as they say it is (and they say it’s pretty bad, trust me), then I fear for New England. And if Tom Brady really has been playing with broken ribs for the last month like Bill Simmons says he has, then I fear for New England. I can see this game going either way though, it’s like the Tila Tequila of playoff games.

So, with all of that said, here are my Wild Card playoff predictions:

Saturday, 4:30 p.m. EST

Bengals 27, Jets 17

I didn’t watch all of Sunday night’s game, I’ll be honest. Most of what I got out of the game, I got from glancing over my shoulder at the TV while I sat at a blackjack table at Showboat. What I saw was this: J.T. O’Sullivan’s beard, Mark Sanchez not throwing many passes, really cold fans, Brad Smith, J.T. O’Sullivan’s beard, Mark Sanchez looking confused. Somehow it was 37-0. It’s going to be a whole different sequel in Cincinnati on Saturday with the Bengals hosting a playoff game in front of their home crowd for the first time since the 2006 playoffs when Kimo Von Oelhoffen simultaneously ended Carson Palmer’s season and the Bengals’ season on the second play from scrimmage.

Saturday, 8:30 p.m. EST

Eagles 31, Cowboys 23

You can’t say the same about the Eagles Week 17 performance as you could about the Bengals. The Eagles had a lot to play for, probably just as much as anyone else playing last week. They just didn’t show up, simply enough. Now, they have to avoid the dubious distinction of losing to the same team three times in one season, and twice in consecutive weeks. JerryWorld is going to be packed to the gills for it’s first playoff game and it’s going to be up to Donovan McNabb and DeSean Jackson to quiet the crowd and get the Eagles on the board early. If the Cowboys build an early lead like they did last week, it’s going to be Blitz City for the Dallas D and the Eagles injury-depleted offensive line.

Sunday, 1:00 p.m. EST

Patriots 20, Ravens 17

This game is going to be about how well the Patriots defense can calm down the Ravens potent two-headed beast at running back of Ray Rice and Willis McGahee and it’s also about how many times Randy Moss can get open against the Baltimore secondary. If Randy Moss has a big day, then so too will New England. I think that the Patriots should be able to get it done against the Ravens on Sunday, but with Welker gone and Brady not 100%, they’re going to have trouble after that, especially against San Diego and Indy, should it come to that.

Sunday, 4:00 p.m. EST

Packers 36, Cardinals 33

I like Aaron Rodgers and I like this Packers team just about as much as any other team in this year’s postseason. I have a good feeling about Green Bay and I think they’re one of the hottest teams in the league right now, and I love Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, and this Packers team is my playoff team for 2009. They seem to me like the most complete team in the NFC, and yes, even more so than the Saints. Their defense, the new 3-4 system implemented by Dom Capers this season, as proven to be effect as it’s one of the best in the league. Their balanced offense is a perfect fit for the gunslinging Aaron Rodgers, and I finally think that it’s time for a coming of age for A-Rod. Beating Brett Favre in the playoffs for a ticket to the NFC Championship is probably the sweetest justice he can have. As you can probably tell, I like the 2009 Green Bay Packers. I like them to beat Arizona on Sunday and then I like them to beat Brett Favre and the Vikings next week and then it’s on to DALLAS, OR PHILADELPHIA, OR NEW ORLEANS! THE PACKERS ARE GOING TO TAKE THEM ALL DOWN!

Since I’m already all worked up I just wanted to add one more paragraph about something that happened yesterday in the Giants organization that excited me more than anything else having to do with the Giants since Week 15: Defensive coordinator Bill Sheridan was fired. As I watched the latest 44-7 embarrassment this past Sunday in Minnesota, I hoped that Sheridan would be out no later than Monday, and I (along with most of Giants Nation, I would imagine) got my wish yesterday afternoon. So thank you, John Mara, for standing up for your fans and for being an owner with guts, and for doing what the Wilpons will probably never do: FIRE PEOPLE THAT CAN’T DO THEIR JOB (*cough* Omar Minaya *cough*).


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World Series Game 4 Running Diary

2 11 2009

As Bill Simmons would say, anytime you have the opportunity to witness the worst sports day in recent memory and do a running diary at the same time, you have to do it, right? Four hours after the Giants showed up in Philly and then were promptly chased out of the city to the tune of 40-17, the Yankees and Phillies get set to do battle across the street. Anyone who reads me already knows how I feel about the Giants and the Yankees (complete opposite ends of the love/hate spectrum) so there’s no need to waste time explaining the situation. The Giants played like Rick Moranis’s team from the Little Giants today and suddenly, instead of being mentioned among the top 5 teams in the NFL, I’m now hoping we can salvage a 6-10 record out of this season. That’s how bad it looked. To make things better, Carsten Charles Sabathia is on the mound tonight against Mean Joe Blanton with a 2-1 series lead. I know his nickname isn’t really Mean Joe, but I don’t think he has much else going for him other than a made-up nickname so we’ll keep it. Suffice to say, the Yankees winning tonight and moving to within one win of a World Series title, coupled with the Giants losing their third game in a row by a combined 51 points is probably God’s way of saying “Maybe you shouldn’t watch sports anymore.” So think of this running diary as a sort of suicide note for my life as a sports fan. You know, if worst comes to worst.

8:00 – The clocks were turned back an hour last night, so it’s 8:00 but Phillies fans are technically working with a 9:00 buzz, which would make them approximately 4.17% more drunk. I’ll take anything I can get right now.

8:04 – I just learned last night that the FOX World Series music is actually the theme music from North and South, a mini series about the Civil War starring the late Patrick Swayze. I don’t know why this is relevant, but at least it’s more relevant than anything coming out of Ozzie Guillen’s mouth right now.

8:06 – Here are some of my tweets from last night’s game, to kind of give you a feel for the direction that this series seems to be going in:

“Jayson is Werth a lot to this Phillies team right now! HA! Get it?”

“Hey what are the odds of that!? Not the ball hitting the camera, but that the umps actually got a call right!”

“Hamels’ night was over the second that Jeffrey Maier dressed up a camera and caught A-Rod’s home run ball.”

“About eight batters too late, Grady Manuel.”

“So when is Ryan Howard’s Memorial Service? I hope it’s an open casket.”

“Utley homered twice in Game 1, Werth goes deep twice tonight…Howard, still nothing. Yep, I’m gonna keep beating this into the ground.”

“‘McCarver: Rollins was coming from the second base side of second base.’ That joke just made itself.”

“Ryan Howard’s funeral service will be held tomorrow at 5 p.m. in between the Giants-Eagles game and Game 4 of the World Series. Bring flowers.”

“Hey Phillies, good luck tomorrow night pitching Joe Blanton against Carsten Charles. This series is more over than the Gosselin’s marriage.”

8:13 – Is it true that the Philly Phanatic is batting in the clean-up spot in place of Howard tonight?

8:19 – If the Phillies win tonight, Manuel looks smart for saving Cliff Lee for Game 5 and not pushing him to start on short rest….on the other hand if they lose, the series is pretty much over.

8:22 – First pitch of the game is a strike. You know what that means…..it’s an 0-1 count to Jeter.

8:23 – Utley almost makes an incredible play but slips on the wet grass and Jeter has a lead-off infield single. So much for wearing cleats….

8:24 – Damon rips a double off Blanton, Yankees have runners on 2nd and 3rd with nobody out. There’s not even a Sunday night football game on. I might overdose on Nyquil before the 3rd inning.

8:26 – The first pitch was 4 minutes ago and it’s already 1-0 Yankees. Thanks a lot, Mean Joe.

8:26 – A-Rod is hit by a pitch for the second time in two nights. Both benches have been warned, which means Hamburglar Sabathia can’t retaliate now. I read something earlier today that said the Phillies might throw at Yankees batters tonight, but I thought it was a joke like the Giants defense today. Either way, there are runners on the corners and 1 out and Joe Blanton already looks like he borrowed Eli Manning’s “Oh sh–, what am I doing here?” face.

8:30 – 2-0 Yankees, 8 minutes into the game. I think God is now saying, “Okay, you’re not going to turn this game off? Watch me, I’ll make you. I SWEAR I WILL MAKE YOU QUIT SPORTS.”

8:34 – Did Sabathia steal MC Hammer’s pants? What is he, a size 64 waist?

8:35 – Last night after the game, Nick Swisher thanked Joe Girardi for having faith in him….was he referring to that time he was benched for Jerry Hairston Jr. in Game 2?

8:36 – Victorino pokes one off the end of his bat into left field for a one-out double, just out of the reach of a diving Johnny Damon. In case you were keeping score, “Diving Johnny Damon” is the name of a new drink that automatically spills every time you pick it up.

8:39 – Utley breaks out of his slump and rips a double off the wall in right center and it’s 2-1 now. Back-to-back one out doubles brings up Ryan Howard. Sabathia just put on a wind-breaker. I smell strikeout number 11 coming.

8:41 -Howard whiffs at a slider on 3-1 that makes it look like he was trying to gently swat at a fly on Posada’s helmet.

8:43 -Aaaaaaaaand Howard strikes out for the 11th time in this series. At this point, his family should be trying to collect on his life insurance policy.

8:46 – The red-hot Werth walks and now there are 2 on and 2 out for Raul Ibanez. This crowd does not seem to have reached its peak BAC level and I’m disappointed in the city of Philadelphia. No one has been hit with a battery yet, and it’s already Game 4. Ibanez strikes out to end the inning. The Phillies add a run, but it’s 2-1 after one inning. Philly can get to Sabathia tonight, as long as they don’t start swinging at sliders in the dirt.

8:54 – Blanton takes the Yankees down 1-2-3 in the top of the 2nd, striking out Swisher and Sabathia. He’s looking a bit more confident in his pitches now that he got the first inning out of the way. Hopefully he can get things on track now and the Phillies can put up some runs behind him.

8:56 - By the way, 1,100 words already and we’re still in the 2nd inning. This running diary was a great idea, wasn’t it? I don’t know if my WordPress blog has enough bandwidth to support a 10,000 word column.

8:59 – I went to see a game at Citizens Bank Park a few years ago, it’s an awfully nice place to watch baseball. Not as nice when you’re there to see the Mets get spanked, but it has a certain charm. And by charm, I mean cheesesteaks. If FOX keeps showing them, there’s a good chance I’ll make the hour drive to Philly at 1 in the morning.

9:03 – Cookie Crunch Sabathia retires the Phillies in order in the bottom half of the 2nd. Both teams will have the top of the their order heading into the 3rd. I can see this game evening out for the next few innings until the Yankees lineup starts hammering Blanton into submission in the 5th or 6th and Manuel leaves him in a few batters too long.

9:08 – A diving stop made by Pedro Feliz on a Jeter grounder to third. It seems like Feliz is in the sand more often than the cast of Baywatch. He gets the job done though.

9:09 – Joe Buck just commented on the new Pearl Jam album right before Blanton strikes out Teixeira to end the top of 3rd. The day I take a music review by Joe Buck seriously is the day I back over my own iPod with my car.

9:14 – For all the talking that Jimmy Rollins does, he really doesn’t spend too much time on the bases, does he?

9:15 – What’s bigger: Shane Victorino’s head, or home plate ump Mike Everett’s strike zone tonight?

9:17 – Utley against Sabathia in this series: 4/4, 2 HR, 2B, BB and 3 RBI’s. Wait, make that 4/5 now. End of the 3rd inning, still 2-1 Yankees. Are the Phillies done hitting for the night? The bat boy wants to know so he can start packing up.

9:23 – Apparently A-Rod thinks that getting thrown at 3 times in 2 nights is an obvious sign that the Phillies are purposely throwing at him. In other news, the Earth is round and Tim McCarver is uninteresting.

9:26 – Blanton strikes out Posada and Cano to retire his 11th straight batter and it definitely seems like he’s settling into his groove now, which may or may not be wider than Everett’s strike zone. The Phillies have the heart of their order coming up in the bottom of the inning.

9:30 – Are you f—– kidding me?!? Ryan Howard just led off the inning with a single and then STOLE SECOND BASE. This is a bigger twist than when we found out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of The Sixth Sense. It’s like he just got up and walked out of his own funeral!

9:34 – Werth grounds out to third which, in retrospect, makes that stolen base important because it prevented a possible double play. Two outs with Howard on second and Feliz at the plate.

9:37 – Feliz rips a double to left and Howard comes around to score, but never touches home plate. He was called safe, and I’m reluctant to admit this, but he never touched the plate. If the Phillies win, I hope to God it’s by more than one run. Anyway, it’s 2-2 at the end of 4 innings as Blanton strikes out.

9:48 – Jeter drives in Swisher with runners on first and second and 1 out. It’s now 3-2 Yankees. The ball squirts just past the reach of a diving Feliz (in the sand again) and Ibanez’s throw to the plate is late as usual. Actually, it was so late I’m tempted to run out and buy a pregnancy test.

9:50 – Maybe drinking all day has backfired on the Phillies fans. It sounds like they’re playing this game in the lobby of a Borders book store right now.

9:52 – Damon drops a bloop single into shallow right field. Cabrera scores and it’s 4-2 Yankees with 1 out and Teixeira up. Let’s forget what I said earlier about Blanton finding his groove. His groove his so lost right now that even Mapquest can’t pinpoint it. At least the Phillies are hitting. Wait….no they’re not.

9:56 – Phillies need to get something going offensively, they can’t keep letting Sabathia off the hook inning after inning. Also, I think I just saw Shane Victorino in the trailer for Avatar.

9:59 – Hey, Rollins got on base! Apparently I’m good at getting Phillies hitters out of their slumps. I already single-handedly reverse jinxed Utley, Howard and Rollins out of slumps. That has to count for something. Can I put that on my resume?

10:02 – Sabathia, it’s 10:00, do you know where your strike zone is? I’m just kidding, but Victorino really did just walk. Two on and nobody out for Chase Utley aka Sabathia’s Nemesis as McCarver just called him.

10:04 – The Nemesis has fallen behind 0-2. Advantage: Sabathia. Also, there is a plate of hot dogs in the clubhouse. Advantage: Sabathia, again. Check-swing pop-up by Utley. 1 out. Don’t worry Yanks, Ryan Howard is coming to the rescue now to bail out Sabathia.

10:07 – Howard pops up, reverse jinx fails. We enjoyed his short visit to the land of the living though. It was fun while it lasted.

10:09 – If Cream Cheese Sabathia escapes this inning without giving up a run, he’ll roll right through to the 8th. I know this, you know this, Joe Buck definitely knows this. Right now Jayson Werth is swinging like he’s afraid he might break the ball.

10:12 – Posada has made so many visits to the mound that I’m afraid the next one might be a conjugal visit. Aaaaaaand as I’m typing that, Werth strikes out. Inning over, Phils trail 4-2 going to the 6th. I’m going out for a cigarette and to see if I can fit a hose around my exhaust pipe.

10:22 – Swisher forces a two-out walk and there’s now action in the Philadelphia bullpen. Also, there’s an ad for an upcoming FOX series called “Human Target” being displayed behind home plate. I wonder if this show has anything to do with A-Rod.

10:25 – It’s weird, I’m nowhere near a radio, but I can almost hear John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman counting down the number of outs until the Yankees send in Rivera.

10:28 – Remember when Raul Ibanez was a power hitter this season? I swear that really happened.

10:29 – Pedro Feliz is probably the hottest bat in the lineup right now, which is good until you realize that he’s the number 7 hitter.

10:33 – The Phillies go down quietly after the hit by Feliz and now we can look forward to Chan Ho Park in the 7th inning. I just disabled the brakes in my car. I might go for a drive after this game is over.

10:35 – Chan Ho Park looks like the bad guy from a Jet Li movie. I think it’s the beard and long hair that does it.

10:37 – The Phillies will have the top of their lineup due up in the bottom of the 7th, which really doesn’t mean anything at this point.

10:47 – Sabathia just tried to hit a guy sitting in the first row behind home plate with his last pitch. Shouldn’t he be thrown out? I thought both teams were warned already? Rollins continues not-hitting by grounding out to third. And then Victorino flies out. Phillies bats sure are making this look easy for Cream Cheese tonight.

10:50 – Remember when Utley hit two homers in Game 1? It feels like it happened when I was in 3rd grade.

10:52 – ……And the second after I finished typing that, Utley crushes a mammoth home run to right field. My reverse jinx efforts continue. Phils cut the lead to 4-3, Sabathia heads for the dugout. I swear I’m not making this up. I’m like the anti-Joe Buck tonight.

10:57 – Damaso Marte comes in to retire Ryan Howard in 4 pitches. I’m sorry, I’m all out of Ryan Howard jokes right now. Check back again in the 9th inning, maybe.

11:10 – I took the top of the 8th inning off to….not watch the game. Fortunately, nothing too important happened other than FOX showing Rivera in the bullpen a record 315 times. Okay, so I was watching.

11:13 – Joba Chamberlain is in to pitch the 8th inning for the Yankees, which puts them over the 1-ton mark for the combined weight of their pitchers in tonight’s game. That sets a World Series record originally held by the 1915 Boston Red Sox.

11:16 – Chamberlain strikes out Werth and Ibanez to start the inning. Citizens Bank Park sounds like a mausoleum right now. So much for a patented Joba meltdown.

11:18 – You’re going to think I’m lying, but I swear on the Baseball Almanac that I’m not. I was just planning out my next sentence in my head and hoping it would go like this: “Wow, Feliz just hit a game-tying home run to left field.” On the next pitch, Pedro Feliz ripped a game-tying home run to left field. This is getting scary. It’s fine if you don’t believe me. By the way, Pedro Feliz is 3/4 with a HR and 2 RBI’s. You can’t make this up.

11:23 – Brad Lidge on to pitch the 9th inning for Philadelphia. Let’s hope we see 2008 Brad Lidge and not 2009 Brad Lidge. We’re all tied up at 4-4 in Game 4 and here is where baseball in October November gets exciting.

11:26 – The obligatory FOX montage highlighting Lidge’s 11 blown saves this season. Can someone see if Joe Buck is wearing a Yankees hat in the broadcast booth?

11:29 – Lidge fans Jeter for the second out of the inning. Unfortunately, Lidge is due to lead off the bottom of the 9th so this will most likely be his only inning of work. Phil Coke is warming up in the Yankees bullpen. With the game now tied, Girardi may hold Rivera for extra innings. Or he may not.

11:31 – Phillies fans have finally woken up and are making noise, it only took a clutch game-tying home run from the 7th hitter in the lineup to rouse them from their stupor.

11:33 – Damon fights off pitch after pitch and finally gets on after shooting a ball into left field. The Yankees now have a two-out base-runner with Teixeira at the plate.

11:34 – Unbelievable. Damon steals second and then catches Feliz sleeping at second after the throw and runs right around him to third. He just stole two bases in a row. Now all of a sudden New York has a runner 90 feet away from home.

11:36 – Lidge hits Teixeira with the 1-1 pitch bringing A-Rod to the plate with runners on the corners and two out. I guess we got the 2009 Lidge tonight? I think so.

11:39 – I should really stop doing this. Rodriguez doubles to left. So much for the Feliz heroics, it’s 5-4 Yankees. Aaaaaand then Posada lines one into center to score two more runs. Brad Lidge better hope that no one knows where he lives. I don’t think setting fire to his house is out of the question for Phillies fans right now. Even worse, Rivera will come on for the bottom of the 9th with a 3-run lead. It sounds like someone hit the mute button on Citizens Bank Park.

11:44 – Matt Stairs, who has played in every World Series since 1907, leads off the ninth for Philly and then grounds out. How is there anyone still in this stadium? Hoping for a 3-run rally against Rivera is like hoping to land a date with a Victoria’s Secret model just by looking at the catalog.

11:46 – Two outs.

11:47 – 3-1 series lead for New York. Apparently that’s my cue to stop watching sports for about 5 or 6 months. I feel like Justin Long in Drag Me To Hell right now. I’m going to go chug bleach and post a fake address for Brad Lidge’s house on Wikipedia.


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