It’s very possible that I jinxed myself going into last week’s picks. Then again, this is the NFL, one league where anything is possible, including the possibility that I may be wrong from time to time. I was wrong exactly 50% of the time last week. A lot of things happened this week in the wild and crazy world of the National Football League and I will let you know that if my fantasy team loses again this week I’m either retiring from the game altogether, or applying for a job in the Mets front office.
Here’s the Week 5 picks, home teams in ALL CAPS
Minnesota (-10) over ST. LOUIS
I’m not a Packers fan, nor will I ever be, but I can only imagine that watching Brett Favre completely destroy their team on Monday night was the football equivalent of watching your father divorce your mother and then start hooking up with your ex-girlfriend that you absolutely hate. Seeing him celebrate after throwing that first touchdown pass was the dagger through the heart…kind of like if you accidentally walked in on your father getting it on with your ex-girlfriend that you absolutely hate. I want to let the entire state of Wisconsin know that I am sorry and I feel for you.
Dallas (-8) over KANSAS CITY
The Cowboys are having some difficulty scoring points lately, which wouldn’t really be too big of a problem if they had a good defense, but they don’t. Luckily, it doesn’t take a lot of points to beat Kansas City. It actually doesn’t take a lot of anything to beat them.
CAROLINA (-3.5) over Washington
Listen to this fact nugget: So far this season the Washington Redskins have yet to face a team with a win. How is that possible in Week 5, you might ask. Well, the only teams the Redskins have played so far that are not still winless are the Giants and the Lions. Washington played the Giants in Week 1 and the Lions in Week 3. Both teams picked up their first win of the season against Washington. That streak will continue this week as the Redskins face the winless Panthers, and if the Cowboys beat the Chiefs on Sunday, that streak will extend all the way into Week 6, which should be some kind of NFL record. Needless to say, the Redskins have an awfully easy first half of the season, and this is probably why they’re 2-2. After their bye week, it gets daunting with the Falcons, Broncos, Cowboys, Eagles and Saints all in a row. Say goodnight to your season, Redskins fans!
PHILADELPHIA (-15) over Tampa Bay
This is officially the biggest line of the week, edging out the Giants-Raiders line by a half point. With that said, I’m pretty sure the Eagles have played the Bucs already this season. Whether or not Philly is trying to pull a fast one on the league, let’s just say that McNabb is back from his McRib injury and the Eagles will slap the Bucs all over the field.
NY GIANTS (-14.5) over Oakland
I asked my Magic 8 Ball if Eli was going to play on Sunday, and although it answered “All Signs Point to Yes”, I can’t really believe it until I see him out there on the field. However, if he’s to miss any games this year, I’d rather it be against the Raiders. I mean, even David Carr can beat Oakland. Just look at his stat line for that game! WOW! I really, really hate taking the Giants when they’re giving this many points, but consider this a testament to just how awful the Raiders are. I’m actually surprised that Vegas hasn’t rolled out a prop bet to gamble on the amount of passing yards that JaMarcus Russell has each week yet. I’m going to set the over/under at 80 yards this week. Anyone?
Cleveland (+6) over BUFFALO
How far away are we from our first T.O. meltdown? Two weeks? Two days? I’m completely in the dark here. How long before he’s camped out in the bushes by Trent Edwards’ house with a paintball gun and a Scream mask?
BALTIMORE (-8.5) over Cincinnati
This game will be the turning point in deciding how I bet on the Ravens and Bengals for the rest of the year. Is 8.5 points giving them more credit than they deserve against a possibly frisky Bengals team? Or is the uncomfortably close game against Cleveland last week a sign that Cincy isn’t quite ready yet? I don’t know about this one. Let’s just give Baltimore the benefit of the doubt.
Pittsburgh (-10.5) over DETROIT
Steelers Nation needs to hold its horses right now. Last week’s win over San Diego wasn’t exactly the resurrection of a sleeping giant. The Steelers showed all of the problems towards the tail end of that game that they’ve been exhibiting all season: they go limp in the fourth quarter. I don’t care if they still ended up winning by 10 and covering the spread. The Bolts scored 21 points in the 4th. That’s not good football. In the past three games, the Steelers have allowed 45 points in the fourth quarter alone. They lost two of them. They could very well have lost last week too, if the Chargers had even some semblance of a defense. And what is with Rashard Mendenhall? Willie Parker couldn’t rush for 100 yards if the other team took their defense off the field and he comes in and runs for 165 yards? Actually, I don’t even want to talk about it.
Atlanta (+2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
This should be a very interesting game, to say the least. Apparently the Niners have impressed enough people so far this season to earn being 2.5 point favorites over the Falcons. Either that or the Falcons have just looked plain underwhelming. I think it’s a little bit of both, to be honest. Also, the 49ers are officially ushering in the start of the Michael Crabtree Era in San Fran and Michael Turner is disappearing faster than Jamal Anderson right now. This is not good. Is it safe to say that if the 49ers win this, they pretty much have the NFC West locked up? Too early?
New England (-3) over DENVER
Somehow, the Denver Broncos are 4-0. Their defense looked stellar last week against Dallas….but was it their defense that was so good, or the Cowboys offense that’s so bad? Yet another prime example of the “It’s Still Too Early to Tell Which One” Game. Either way, the Patriots are slowly rejuvenating. It’s like watching your best friend get back into the dating world after a divorce. It’s going to take some time to acclimate and get up to speed again, but soon he’ll be back at full strength. So I guess Brady’s injury would be the divorce….? Yeah, let’s go with that.
Houston (+5.5) over ARIZONA
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON THIS TEXANS SEASON! It’s still too early. You can’t make me take the Cardinals giving 5.5 points. Andre Johnson vs. Larry Fitzgerald. My fantasy team might never recover if Johnson has a bad game on Sunday. In no way does my fantasy team affect how I make my picks. Not at all….
Jacksonville (PK) over SEATTLE
This game is so unappealing that Vegas couldn’t even decide on a line. They didn’t want to spend more than 30 seconds thinking about either team. You think the NFL might intentionally black out this game so nobody has to see it? Except for the poor Seahawks fans that had to pay for tickets.
Indianapolis (-3.5) over TENNESSEE
I might say that the Colts are the best team in the AFC right now, and I may be right. Still, I haven’t seen enough of them yet to really put any conviction behind that statement. So I’ll be watching on Sunday night. By the way, is it just me, or have the Colts played on either Sunday night or Monday night every week so far? It feels like it. Also, I’m not picking the Colts because I signed Pierre Garcon and the Indy D off of waivers this week. I’m serious, it doesn’t affect my decision at all.
MIAMI (+2) over NY Jets
Welcome to the Chad Henne Era! Let’s do this! The Wildcat will account for about 78% of the Dolphins offense on Monday night. The Jets will stop it every time. I’m still picking against Sanchez on the road in his first night game though, even with the addition of Braylon “Dropsy” Edwards.
Last Week: 7-7
Season Total: 40-22
