Oliver Perez does not want to pitch in the minor leagues. Okay, that’s fine Ollie. I can understand that. You’re making $36 million dollars, I can’t say I would blame you if you don’t want to move into a nice luxurious one bedroom suite at the La Quinta in Buffalo. Whatever you say Ollie. Listen, that’s your prerogative. Unfortunately, the Mets won’t even think about releasing you because you’re making more money than God, so we, as fans, are forced to watch you mull around in the bullpen hoping and praying that you never step foot on the mound again.
Fine, you don’t want to go down to Triple-A ball, it’s below you, we get it. You pitched very well in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS and then parlayed that into an enormous contract that you really don’t deserve. I’ve never personally held it against you though. I have been one of the rare Mets fans that actually held out hope that you would come around during these last two seasons. But not this year though. I’ve had it up to here ———- (<– right there).
So, since you apparently have no plans to pitch in the minors, I have a few job ideas lined up for you. You know, just some odd jobs you can do around Citi Field so you can feel like you’re still a part of the team without, you know, actually being a part of the team. Basically, they are things you can do without the danger of walking 10 batters in 4 innings.
1) The T-Shirt cannon. This job is perfect for you. You only have to come out maybe once or twice every game and there’s really no way you can miss. You’re shooting t-shirts in the direction of hundreds of outstretched arms, so even if you’re a little bit outside, someone is still going to get their hands on that great free t-shirt that will only end up disappointing them anyway when they realize that it’s a 2XL and they’ll probably only be able to wear it to bed. Actually, on second thought, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to let you anywhere near a gun, even if it only shoots cotton t-shirts. Let’s move on.
2) You know how some ballparks have those little tents on the main concourse where people can pay a few bucks to throw some baseballs as fast as they can at a canvas backstop while a radar gun clocks their speed? If there’s even a slight chance that you might learn something from a 9 year-old, I think you should go for it. It’s a good chance for you to work on your velocity and maybe get a nice tan at the same time.
3) Since you insist on remaining on the roster and we all know that you’re not going to pitch again anytime soon, how about you do us all a favor and start learning how to hit? Take a few hours in the cages everyday, start working on your technique and before you know it we might be asking you to pinch hit in the 7th inning of a tie game. This is one of your best options, because honestly, if you know how to at least make contact with the ball, you’re already far ahead of Gary Matthews Jr.
4) If all those jobs above don’t sound that enticing to you, here’s one more that will hopefully change your mind. How about this: let’s say the Mets get moved to Binghamton, New York one night while you’re sleeping and you go with them. You’ll have a whole new bunch of teammates, but then you’ll be able to pitch again. Would that be something you might be interested in? I thought so.
Have fun Ollie!
