An Open Letter to LeBron James

24 11 2009

I started playing basketball when I was 6 years old. The last time I stepped on a basketball court was senior year of high school. Needless to say, a great majority of my childhood and adolescence revolved around the game of basketball. My winters were spent playing in my township’s rec league on Saturdays and traveling around the state with my travel team on Sundays. My springs were spent watching the New York Knicks religiously.

Believe it or not, I lived and died with the New York Knicks in the 90′s. They were my team. I didn’t get their channel on the 19-inch television in my room, so every night I would fall asleep with a Sony handheld radio under my pillow and I would listen to the soothing voices of Gus Johnson and Walt Frazier call the Knicks games on WFAN. I can’t tell you how many nights I was woken up by one of Gus Johnson’s frenzied calls when John Starks hit a game-winning three or Charles Oakley dove into the press row to save a loose ball. If I dozed off before the game was over, the first thing I would do before I brushed my teeth for school the next morning was turn the radio back on and try to catch the final score.

Although I wasn’t even 7 years old at the time, I can vaguely remember the 1994 Finals against Houston. Luckily, they made it back again in the spring of 1999. After a season shortened by the lock-out, my Knicks made an improbable run to the NBA Finals as the 8th seed in the Eastern Conference. It was one of the best springs of my life. From Allan Houston’s runner in the lane to win Game 5 against Pat Riley and the Heat, to Larry Johnson’s 4-point play in Game 4 of the Conference Finals against the Pacers. I watched that play on my knees with my hands clasped together in front of the TV in my parents bedroom. When Johnson hit that shot over Dale Davis, I jumped so high that I came dangerously close to hitting my head on the ceiling fan. My parents thought that someone dropped a piano through the floor.

In the Finals, we were swept away in five games by a Spurs team that was at the beginning of a run that would bring them 4 titles in the next 7 years. As for us, it was the beginning of the end. After the 1999 Finals, we made one more run the following season, taking the Miami Heat to 7 games in another classic May battle before falling to the Pacers in the Conference Finals. Patrick Ewing was shipped off to Seattle the following offseason and the Knicks have made the playoffs only twice more since then and only posted a winning record once.

Over the next 6 years, I watched an incompetent front office and even more incompetent ownership run a once proud franchise into the ground. The decline of the New York Knicks this past decade has been such an epic disaster that it makes the Titanic look like a bath toy. Something else happened during that time though, something happened between the Knicks and I. We began to grow apart. Like they had done to so many fans, their organization had alienated me. The World’s Most Famous Arena, Madison Square Garden, a place that had seen NBA Championships and countless legends now houses a failing franchise and the laughingstock of the NBA. The mecca of basketball, a building that never stopped rocking in the city that never sleeps, now struggles to fill its seats.

This where you come in, Mr. James. I, along with just about every other person that still calls themselves a New York Knicks fan, desperately want you to come to New York next summer. In fact, it’s more than that — we need you to come to New York next summer. I know we haven’t won a championship in 36 years and that we haven’t even made the playoffs since 2003, but believe me when I say that New Yorkers are passionate about their basketball. You might not be able to tell at first glance, but we still love our Knicks. We still love our Knicks even if this past decade was like the sports equivalent of going through a messy divorce. Maybe we’re a little more distant now, but we’re still here. Maybe we aren’t as loud as we used to be, but it was them who took away our voice. It was the Jim Dolans and Scott Laydens and Isiah Thomases that took this team away from us, and now we want it back. We want it all back. If you want it too, this is where you’re going to find it. If you want to win a title, we are your best shot. We have cleared enough cap space for 2010 to put an actual supporting cast around you, not just Shaquille O’Neal. If you want to become the biggest superstar the NBA has ever seen, New York is the city that will let you become just that. Come on, I mean Spike Lee is even wearing a #23 Knicks jersey already. And it’s not Toney Douglas.

We need you to save our team, LeBron. We need you to bring basketball back to New York, back to where it belongs, back to Madison Square Garden. We need you to make us matter again. The days of intense April and May playoff battles against the Heat and Pacers are long gone now. Long gone is Patrick Ewing dunking over Alonzo Mourning to win Game 7. Long gone is Allan Houston hitting a jumper over Reggie Miller to ice a Game 6 in Indiana. Long gone is John Starks dunking over Michael Jordan, Jeff Van Gundy swinging on Mourning’s legs and Chris Childs taking a swing at P.J. Brown. It’s all a distant memory now.

LeBron, you can help us remember again. There’s so much history that’s been lost among the wreckage of this decade. With your help, we can start rewriting that history. Adding pages to the legends, and adding banners to the rafters. LeBron James, deep down inside you want to be New York Knickerbocker. So when we send you that invitation next July, come on in and make yourself at home.

Sincerely,

Every New York Knicks Fan Ever

*Because of the short week and the holiday weekend, no picks column for Week 12, but here are my picks:

Green Bay (-11.5) over DETROIT

Oakland (+13.5) over DALLAS

DENVER (+5) over NY Giants

Indianapolis (-3.5) over HOUSTON

CINCINNATI (-14) over Cleveland

MINNESOTA (-11) over Chicago

Washington (+9) over PHILADELPHIA

Miami (-3) over BUFFALO

Arizona (+3) over TENNESSEE

Seattle (-3) over ST. LOUIS

Tampa Bay (+12.5) over ATLANTA

Carolina (+3) over NY JETS

SAN FRANCISCO (-3) over Jacksonville

SAN DIEGO (-13.5) over Kansas City

BALTIMORE (-2.5) over Pittsburgh

New England (+2.5) over NEW ORLEANS

Last Week: 8-7

Season Total: 90-70


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Falcon Punch

23 11 2009

As I descended down the escalator by Gate B yesterday after the game, I overheard a Giants fan behind me say, “That was probably the most depressing win I’ve ever seen.” Now, I don’t entirely agree with him. I don’t think there is such a thing as a depressing win in the NFL. With a short 16-game season, any kind of win, whether it be a pretty win, an ugly win or even an accidental win, is a good win. Having said that (anyone who has seen the latest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm knows why I had to throw that in), I could see where that fan was coming from. I wouldn’t call yesterday’s win a depressing one, or even an ugly one for that matter. Maybe “discouraging”. Perhaps even a little “unconvincing”. When the game-winning field goal sailed off Lawrence Tynes’ foot and through the uprights with 11:06 to go in overtime, I celebrated loudly along with whoever else had decided not to leave the stadium when the Giants took a 31-17 lead.

The truth is, the game shouldn’t even have come down to Lawrence Tynes and it definitely should not have come down to an overtime period because like I said earlier, the Giants had a 31-17 lead. How did a two touchdown lead turn into an overtime coin toss in the span of 12 minutes? Well, it happened in very similar fashion to how we lost the game against San Diego. Instead of stepping up and making a big defensive stop or two in the fourth quarter, the defense instead folded like an origami swan. Matt Ryan took the Falcons down the field for two consecutive touchdown drives that looked about as difficult for Atlanta as heating up a Pop-Tart.

I don’t typically use phrases like “dinking and dunking” because I’m not Ron Jaworski, but that’s exactly what the Falcons did on their back-to-back 12 play drives in the fourth quarter. They played it safe and kept everything in the middle of the field, which is ironically exactly what the Giants defense did. By guarding against the big play (a 70-yard touchdown pass to Roddy White or something along those lines) and trying to keep the clock running, they ultimately ignored the short to medium 10-15 yard passes over the middle and stayed away from Atlanta tight end Tony Gonzalez like he was a leper, even when he scored the game-tying touchdown with 28 seconds left.

Call me psychic if you want, but I knew that this game was going into overtime when the Falcons scored to cut the Big Blue lead to 31-24. It’s not that I’m a cynic or that my Gatorade cooler is half-empty, it’s just that if I’ve seen this once, I’ve seen it a hundred times. The Giants are just about the only team that can make a two touchdown lead feel like they’re losing. Giants fans shouldn’t have to sit on the edge of their La-Z-Boys or uncomfortable plastic stadium seats when the score is 31-17 with 12:08 to play in the fourth quarter, yet that’s exactly what I was doing yesterday. Luckily, yesterday’s overtime drama didn’t last too long, but it was just long enough for my Overtime Anxiety Syndrome to kick in. I seem to be a magnet for overtime games lately, as yesterday was the third one I’ve been to in the past two seasons, but before I could start chewing on my hat like it was a 14 oz. NY Strip, Eli Manning stepped up just like he had been doing all day and completed a 29-yard strike down the far sideline to Mario Manningham to set up the Giants on the Falcons’ 23-yard line. A few plays later, as we held our collective breath, Tynes tucked one inside the right upright and the Giants had snapped their 4-game losing streak. The first win in 42 days.

The performances that stood out the most to me yesterday were the ones turned in by Eli Manning (25/39, 384 yards, 3 TDs), Mario Manningham (6 rec., 126 yards) and Kevin Boss (5 rec., 76 yards, 2 TDs). Our fearless leader put forth his second thoroughly impressive game in a row, and aside from an interception on the opening drive of the game, he was nearly perfect. His 384 yards marked a career-high total and the first time he had ever thrown for over 300 yards at Giants Stadium, a pretty odd statistic, considering he’s in his 5th full season and has started almost 50 games there. He stepped up and made big throws in big situations, including huge 51-yard pass to Steve Smith (4 rec., 79 yards) that led to the Brandon Jacobs touchdown run early in the 3rd quarter which gave the Giants a 24-14 lead and answered the Falcons previous touchdown drive to start the second half. As for Mario Manningham, my love affair with his athleticism grows by the week and he made some catches yesterday that made me forget all about Amani Toomer’s sideline acrobatics and Plaxico Burress’s one-handed grabs. He is going to be a phenomenal wide receiver one day, and I feel like we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg right now, as far as his potential in the NFL.

All in all, the Giants picked up a sorely needed win yesterday that may have been the spark that they need to rejuvenate their season. Having said that, there are still several kinks that still need to be smoothed out on the defensive side of the ball. We’ll be able to tell for sure on Thanksgiving night in Denver, but for now, a nice overtime victory works well to help me forget the fact that I picked up Jason Snelling for my fantasy team to replace Michael Turner and then left him on the bench and watched as he scored two touchdowns yesterday. That’s life.

Read more: http://giants.gearupforsports.com/blog/#ixzz0XjCcoIHj


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Remembering the Beginning of the Eli Manning Era (and Week 11 Picks)

20 11 2009

On Sunday I’ll be making my third trip up to Giants Stadium this season to see a Giants-Falcons game that at the beginning of the season looked like it would be a late-November battle for NFC supremacy. After all, both the Giants and Atlanta were coming off playoff berths last season and looked poised to get even better. Now this game, while still important, is important for an entirely different reason. Both the Giants and Falcons are 5-4 and locked in a downward spiral. On Sunday, one team will win and improve to 6-4, possibly providing the momentum necessary to save the season and turn things around. On Sunday, one team will lose and drop to 5-5, making it very difficult to make a late-season playoff push. You can call it a do-or-die game, or a building block to bigger things or a hundred other euphemisms, the fact still remains: the Giants absolutely need to win this game. There’s no way around it. Coughlin called the Giants’ last game against San Diego a “one-game playoff”;  if that were true, the Giants have been knocked out already. But then something happened last week. With the Giants resting up on their bye week, both the Eagles and Cowboys, the two teams ahead of Big Blue in the NFC East, both lost. And suddenly this thing is far from over.

Sunday’s game also has me thinking about something else. It has me thinking about the last time the Falcons visited the Meadowlands, 5 years ago tomorrow. On November 21, 2004, I sat in Section 121 and watched Eli Manning, our prized number one draft pick make the first start of his NFL career. Even though I had absolutely no part in Eli Manning’s conception or subsequent birth, part of me felt like I was watching my son take the field for his first pop warner game, or something along those lines. I was still in high school at the time though, and these were still the days where Michael Vick was only 45% hype and 55% talent, as opposed to 95% hype and 5% talent like he has been post-prison stint. Unfortunately, the 55% of talent prevailed on that day and Vick rushed for something like 900 yards against us, in route to a 14-10 win. We did have a chance to win the game, but our last gasp drive was stalled when Eli was picked off by Keith Brooking. On that day in 2004, Eli was hesitant, he was a little unsure, and the impossibly high expectations that he carried with him from Oxford, Mississippi for the rest of that season, and the season after that and the season after that, made it extremely difficult for anyone to see past his shortcomings.

Did that all change when his playoff heroics helped us win the Super Bowl two years ago? I wish I could say it did, but in New York, there is no such thing as a championship grace period, as relentless and unforgiving as that may sound. Now, 5 years after that game against Atlanta, there is no question that Eli has emerged as one of the top quarterbacks in the league. On Sunday, I’d like to see that Eli. The Eli that’s a leader and a cool assassin in the clutch, and not the Eli from 2004 who looked like his lunch was on the way up after every bad pass he threw. I would like to win another Super Bowl (honestly, who wouldn’t?) and I think this team has about as good a shot as any other Giants team I’ve ever watched, even last year’s team. So it starts on Sunday, at home against Atlanta. Back to where it all began.

On to this week’s quick picks, sponsored by nobody. Home teams in all caps.

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland

Mangini wasn’t the first coach to be fired this season? I guess cameos in The Sopranos do go a long way. You should have thought about that before you turned down the part, Dick Jauron.

Buffalo (+9) over JACKSONVILLE

And the countdown to T.O.’s first sideline temper tantrum begins….(checking watch)….NOW!

Pittsburgh (-10) over KANSAS CITY

Nothing allows you to heal the wounds of getting swept by the Bengals quite like a game against the Chiefs.

Indianapolis (-1) over BALTIMORE

This game has “37-3 Colts” written all over it.

NY GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta

I don’t know why I’m doing this. Please, someone tell me why I’m doing this. Oops, too late.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco

Brett Favre against Steve Young, should be a great game (2000).

MINNESOTA (-11) over Seattle

Brett Favre against Matt Hasselbeck, should be a boring game (2009).

Washington (+11) over DALLAS

Only because I know there’s no way that three different teams are going to cover 11+ point spreads this week.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY

10-0 is when the people start talking. Can you handle that, Saints? Although the Pats 16-0 regular season a few years ago has taken some of that edge off.

Arizona (-9) over ST. LOUIS

Just a few more wins for the Cardinals before they go back to looking like they don’t really care. Just in time for the playoffs! Hey, it worked for them last year.

NY Jets (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND

No I will not take the Patriots! Rex Ryan cried during a team meeting this week. HE CRIED. Do you know what that means?

Cincinnati (-9.5) over OAKLAND

Part of me is hoping for this game to be close so that a few people will vacate the Bengals bandwagon. I’m in Standing Room Only right now. My legs are getting tired and I’d like to have a seat.

San Diego (-3) over DENVER

Broncos should have stuck with wearing their mustard and brown Denver Omelettes uniforms. Ugly uniforms help teams win, just ask the Jets and Bucs.

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO

-3 is the spread, and also what Jay Cutler fantasy owners see every time he throws another INT. I’m just kidding, I know that there aren’t any Jay Cutler fantasy owners….right?

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON

VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES.

Last Week: 7-8

Season Total: 81-63


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Making Sense of Week 10

16 11 2009

With the Giants not playing yesterday, I had a better chance to really absorb the other games going on around the league and take a closer look into some of the more interesting stories that unfolded in Week 10 of this NFL season. There were more than a few interesting subplots to take away from yesterday’s action. From near-upsets to head-scratching coaching decisions, Week 10 was like one long of episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Moments of laughter, moments of confusion and moments that make you wonder, “Did he really just do that?” But above all those things, yesterday just proved to me, once again, that I really do not have a clue how to pick NFL games.

  • Since I’m likely to finish below .500 in my picks for the second straight week, I’d like to at least take a few sentences to acknowledge that I am capable of getting something right. In my Week 10 picks column, I wrote that Vince Young had revitalized the Titans in a way that they desperately needed. He provides an extra intangible spark that Kerry Collins didn’t possess and with him on the field it seems that the team as a whole is playing with a lot more confidence now. That has never been more apparent than yesterday’s 41-17 thrashing of the Buffalo Bills. Of course I’m aware that they beat the Bills and not the Colts, but Tennessee has now won three in a row with Young under center.  I’m aware that anyone with even a portion of a normally-functioning brain could tell that replacing Collins as the starter would spark the Titans, but I still feel proud to be able to salvage some sliver of wisdom from my defeated and drained psyche.
  • I’m aware that even the best teams in the league have their off days, but the Saints really escaped with one yesterday. And by escaped, I mean that they did everything but have Michael Scofield tattoo prison blueprints to his body and get arrested so he could help them escape. The Saints were sloppy yesterday, but the fact that they somehow managed to stick with their gameplan and survive even on their worst of days to stay undefeated, makes them that much better. And if that doesn’t make a lot of sense to you now, just wait until the playoffs and you’ll see what I mean. A 9-0 team that loses a sloppy, meaningless Week 10 game to the Rams loses a little bit of their swagger, even if its not immediately noticeable. On the other hand, a 9-0 team that barely escapes the upset and ekes out a win over the Rams in a meaningless Week 10 game gains something from that win. Believe it or not.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals. I’ve been fawning over them all season like I’m a teenage girl from 1994 and the Bengals are Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell. Of course I haven’t been able to pay as much attention to them as I’d like because I took up a seat on the Broncos bandwagon after Week 1 and I have been riding shotgun there ever since. But yesterday, as much as I talked up their defense all week and even though I took them in my picks column, there was something in the back of my mind that told me that they couldn’t beat the Steelers on the road in the most important game of the season thus far in the AFC North. And then they did. 18-12. They scored the only touchdown of the entire game on Bernard Scott’s 96-yard kickoff return in the first quarter and 4 Shayne Graham field goals later, the Bengals are 7-2 and all alone in first place in the AFC North. With a 5-0 record within the division, they are in the driver’s seat right now, having swept both the Ravens and the defending Super Bowl champs and one more meeting with the hapless Browns is the only thing that stand between Cincy and a 6-0 record in the AFC North and possibly a first-round bye in the playoffs. Needless to say, I vacated the Broncos bandwagon after yesterday’s disaster in Washington so quickly that I think I left a vapor trail and now I’m on the waiting list for the Cincinnati bandwagon. I know I should have come to them sooner.
  • Speaking of the Broncos, they are slumping, and they are slumping big time. And speaking of slumping, there’s another team that continued its struggles yesterday that starts with “Atlanta” and ends with “Falcons”. While the Broncos were busy dropping their third straight game to a Redskins team that can’t get out of its own way, the Falcons went ahead and lost for the third time in four games. Atlanta, now 5-4 after a 4-1 start to the season, apparently has a strong case of the homesick blues as all four of their losses have come away from the Georgia Dome. The road woes will be in play once again next week as the Falcons travel to Giants Stadium to take on a Giants team that is also struggling. In addition, Atlanta might be without star running back Michael Turner, who rolled his ankle yesterday in the second quarter, after piling up 111 yards on only 9 carries. While this could be disastrous for my already sinking fantasy team, it’s a good thing for Giants fans, which I am. The Broncos aren’t without injury issues of their own, as Kyle Orton went down with an ankle injury yesterday as well. Chris Simms started the second half for Denver, which might seem like a bad thing, until you realize that the difference between Kyle Orton and Chris Simms is like the difference between Sweet & Low and Equal. They’re both bad for you, but one is a little less worse. Fortunately for both teams, the Falcons still have two games to play against the Bucs and the Broncos play in the same division as the Raiders and Chiefs. Hope remains.
  • The Dallas Cowboys are not really making it hard for me to question their legitimacy. They put on a strong performance one week and then have a game like they did against the Kansas City Chiefs the week after. Last week, they seemed to be in top form; and then yesterday they get shutout by Green Bay for 58 minutes. I’m not saying the Packers are bad, because they are far from it, but this is a Packers defense that got torched for 38 points by Tampa Bay last week and are apparently having identity issues themselves. Romo looked his usual, scared self, and most importantly, Dallas just could not get the run game going with Marion Barber being held to only 26 yards on 5 carries. Romo was forced to throw the ball 39 times, and everybody knows that when Tony Romo is throwing the ball 39 times, things are not going well. Had I stayed home to watch football yesterday, I would have been stuck watching the Cowboys-Packers with nothing else to toggle back-and-forth between. However, I decided to go to the local sports pub for the 4:00 games and possibly saved myself from sticking bamboo up my fingernails to ease the torture of a 3-0 game in the 4th quarter combined with the drone of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.
  • What will possibly end up being the most-talked-about story of yesterday and the most heavily questioned coaching decision in recent memory happened during last night’s much anticipated, annual Patriots-Colts battle. With the Pats up 34-28 and just over 2 minutes to play, Bill Belichick opted to go for it on a 4th and 2 with the ball on the Pats’ own 28-yard line. As Tom Brady came back on the field and the team lined up to go for it, all I remember is that I kept repeating, “No they’re not, they can’t be” as I watched in horror. Sure enough, they did not convert and at the two-minute warning, with three full timeouts left, Peyton Manning had but a mere 28 yards to take his team for the game-winning touchdown. Instead of punting it away and leaving Manning with maybe 60 or 70 yards to march in 2 minutes, Belichick made Peyton’s job at least 50% easier for him. In case Bill wasn’t aware of this, Peyton Manning is perhaps one of the few players in the NFL that you don’t want to ever make things easier for. It’s already easy for him. Is it highly possibly that Manning would take the Colts down the field for the score anyway, even if New England punted? Yes, very possible. BUT WHY MAKE HIS JOB EASIER? It took Indy four plays until Manning found Reggie Wayne in the endzone. 35-34, game over, Colts stay undefeated. Not only did the Patriots blow a 34-21 lead with 4 minutes to play and possibly a chance to recapture the throne of power in the AFC, but their supposedly genius coach suffered one of the most epic brain farts of all time. I swear that I’ve made decisions with a BAC of 2.25 that were better than that decision to go for it on fourth down.
  • And before I sign off for the rest of the week and mentally prepare myself for the Giants-Falcons game on Sunday, it would not be right if I didn’t get in at least one dig at the New York Jets. Not only has Gang Green dropped 5 of their last 6 games after their rather arrogant 3-0 start, but they’ve lost to the Dolphins twice, the Bills and now the Jacksonville Jaguars, with 3 of those losses coming on their home turf. Forget for the second that somehow the Jaguars are 5-4, losing to Jacksonville, Miami and Buffalo at home is not going to make a lot of people believers. Keep up the good work, and you might be able to salvage a 6-10 record out of this season.

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NFL Week 10 Picks: Going to the Movies

13 11 2009

I didn’t get time to really sit down with this week’s picks because of tonight’s impromptu Thursday night game (that I’ve been aware of for at least 2 weeks) between the Bears and 49ers. It’s probably better off that I am making these picks on the fly, considering I was 5-8 last week and my fantasy football team is sinking like the Lusitania. In other words, I don’t know anything about football right now. So, to waste as little of your time as possible, let’s do some quick picks, with my analysis for each pick whittled down to a movie title. The NFL picks have gone Hollywood!

Per the usual, all home teams in caps…

SAN FRANCISCO (-3) over Chicago

Zombieland. Dedicated to Jay Cutler and Alex Smith. I can’t believe how many people piled on the Bears bandwagon before this season. Like Jay Cutler could ever lead a team to the Super Bowl. That would be like thinking Rex Grossman could lead a team to the Super Bowl. We all know that would never happen….wait….

*Note: By the way, I picked this game before last night, I just didn’t have time to get the column up before it was over. On a related note, I’m glad I don’t have the NFL Network after finding out what an awful game that was. 10-6, Niners. Really.

NY JETS (-7) over Jacksonville

The Green Mile. Dedicated to Jets head coach Rex Ryan. Congratulations on coaching a 4-4 team with possibly the biggest collective ego in the history of 4-4 teams. It seems like you’re miles away from that 3-0 record and all the Super Bowl talk that came with it. In Week 4.

Denver (-3.5) over WASHINGTON

The Hangover. Dedicated to the Washington Redskins. I’d rather have a massive hangover than watch a Redskins game. Also, I know the Broncos are on a slide and everything, but we’re content to make them only 3.5 point favorites over the Redskins? Really? The Washington Redskins?

Cincinnati (+7) over PITTSBURGH

Big Fish. Dedicated to the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals. If the Bengals want to convince everyone that they’re truly the contenders that Ochocinco says they are, then they have to keep taking down the Big Fish of the AFC North. They beat the Steelers in their first meeting back in Week 3 and have already swept the Ravens. With a 4-0 record within their division, a win on Sunday over Pittsburgh would go a long way in helping Cincy secure a division title. If you would have told me at this time last year that the 2009 Bengals would be in position to take over first place in the division in Week 10 I would have punched you right in the face.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Buffalo

Up. Dedicated to Vince Young’s stock. It could be because of the fact that a scarecrow could probably play better quarterback than Kerry Collins, or it could be because of one of my favorite things to say in all caps: VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES. Heck, who’s to say that they won’t roll off 10 straight wins and make the playoffs? Actually, I say they won’t, but it doesn’t matter. It can only get better from here for the Titans and Vince Young.

MINNESOTA (-17) over Detroit

Gran Torino. Dedicated to Brett Favre because he reminds me of Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino: as old as dirt but still kicking ass. For now.

New Orleans (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS

V for Vendetta. Dedicated to Drew Brees and the Saints. Why? Because every week it seems like they have a personal vendetta against the league. For years everyone has talked up their offense but said that they couldn’t get the job done on defense and that’s what would prevent them from being a true championship contender. Now? Their defense is almost as strong as their offense and they are ripping through this league with a vengeance. Hell hath no fury like a Drew Brees scorned. Seriously, I’m afraid of the Saints right now.

Atlanta (-1.5) over CAROLINA

Saving Private Ryan. Dedicated to Matt Ryan. If anyone needs saving, it’s this guy. Maybe I wouldn’t notice his recent decline (more like freefall) if he wasn’t the starting quarterback on my fantasy team, but he is, so I’m noticing. It’s like he got involved with a shady mob guy who told him he would break his kneecaps if his QB rating went over 80 for the rest of the season. This is why I am now involved with my ex-QB Donovan McNabb once again. If there’s one thing I have learned from fantasy football, it’s this: try as hard as possible to stay away from your exes. Bad news.

Tampa Bay (+10) over MIAMI

The Third Man. Dedicated to Bucs QB Josh Freeman. They tried Byron Leftwich and that didn’t work. Then they tried Josh Johnson for a few seconds. That didn’t work either. Now it’s Josh Freeman’s turn. The rookie out of Kansas State looked impressive last week in the Bucs thrashing of Green Bay, and many scouts considered him the best overall athlete in the 2009 draft. Will Josh Freeman be the answer for Tampa Bay? I have no clue. And neither does Vegas, which is why they’re 10 point underdogs to the Dolphins.

OAKLAND (-2) over Kansas City

Raiders of the Lost Ark. Dedicated to…the Raiders. Not only is the ark lost, but we can count a good chunk of their fan base and pretty much most of their dignity as a franchise gone too. Can we move them back to Los Angeles after this season and forget this ever happened?

ARIZONA (-8.5) over Seattle

No Country for Old Men. Dedicated to Kurt Warner and Matt Hasselbeck. The glory days are quickly passing by for these two QB’s and I think Kurt had his last legitimate shot at another title last season. I don’t think the Cardinals have what it takes to make it back again and I don’t think the Seahawks would have a shot if they consolidated the NFC West down to two teams.

Philadelphia (+1) over SAN DIEGO

Destroying Fantasy Teams in My Sleep. Dedicated to LaDainian Tomlinson. I know that’s not a real movie, but LDT should be arrested for what he has done to fantasy owners who have taken the risk of drafting him for the last two years now. It’s obscene. He’s like the Ted Bundy of fantasy players, killing teams left and right.

Dallas (-3) over GREEN BAY

The Shining. Dedicated to the Green Bay Packers defense because I’m going to reenact that scene with Jack Nicholson and the axe in the bathroom door if they decide to allow another 38 points this week.

INDIANAPOLIS (-3) over New England

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Dedicated to Tom Brady because he is the Lord of the Rings in the NFL right now and until someone takes the throne from him, he is still the king. Although this is the perfect opportunity for Peyton Manning and the Colts to snatch the throne out from under Brady and the Pats. Peyton, in a night game at home, is almost unbeatable as of late. This will be the night when we find out whether the Patriots are back or whether the Colts have arrived. Either way, this game needs a bonus movie: There Will Be Blood.

Baltimore (-11) over CLEVELAND

This is Really the Monday Night Game? Dedicated to the people at ESPN who scheduled this snoozefest. The Brady Quinn-Derek Anderson debacle is on it’s 25th cycle right now with Quinn set to make the start on Monday night. They’ve flip-flopped QB’s so many times that I’m starting to get nauseous.

Last Week: 5-8

Season Total: 74-55


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What is Wrong With the Giants?

8 11 2009

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NFL Week 9 Picks: Truncated Travel Version

6 11 2009

I’m writing this week’s picks column from 30,000 feet in the air on a flight to Charlotte for tomorrow night’s Clemson-Florida State game. I figure that I’d take advantage of the free Wi-Fi and the 1 hour and 10 minutes of downtime to make my Week 9 picks. Since I’m typing this on my iPhone, I’m going to keep it short and sweet with another installment of Twitter-style picks. I somehow managed to salvage a 7-6 record last week, and I’m barely treading water right now, kind of like the Giants. Stick with me for a just a few more weeks, I promise, and we’ll be out of the woods soon. If not, I guarantee a full refund on reading these picks columns.

As usual, home teams are in all CAPS.

JACKSONVILLE (-6.5) over Kansas City

This game will most likely be blacked out in the Jacksonville area, so it will almost be like it never existed. Which is what Jaguars and Chiefs fans will wish anyway.

Baltimore (-3) over CINCINNATI

Apparently the Ravens are back, which is weird considering I didn’t even know they went anywhere. Although there’s a solid chance that Carson Palmer will throw 5 TD passes (he’s 7-3 lifetime vs. the Ravens) and make me happy that I started Donovan McNabb instead.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Houston

The Texans’ 5-3 start is their best start in franchise history. The Colts’ 7-0 start is pretty much on par with every season since 2003.

ATLANTA (-9.5) over Washington

Last week was the turning point in my relationship with Matt Ryan. I got fed up with his 46.6 quarterback ratings and went out and picked up Carson Palmer and Donovan McNabb. Congratulations Matt Ryan, I chose two fantasy nightmares over you for Week 9. I hope you’re happy.

Arizona (+3) over CHICAGO

I had a Rex Grossman-related nightmare the other night. All I remember is seeing him on the sidelines wearing a Bears cap and sulking. Then he turned into the girl from The Ring and I woke up. I’m not taking the Bears anymore this season.

Miami (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND

Which Ted Ginn will we get this week? The Ted Ginn that looks like his hands are made out of cinder blocks, or the Ted Ginn that looks like he entered a Madden cheat code for kick-off returns? Regardless, it’s a breakout week for the Dolphins, I feel it.

Carolina (+13) over NEW ORLEANS

No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The last time I backed Jake Delhomme on the road, I was working up the courage to ask a girl to the sophomore homecoming dance. In high school.

Detroit (+10) over SEATTLE

This is the game where the Seahawks will have no problem covering the spread. So why aren’t I picking them? Because I’m an idiot.

Tennessee (+4) over SAN FRANCISCO

Hey, I don’t know about you, but I’m more than ready for the Vince Young Era: The Sequel. The first part left me wanting more. Ironically, it left Titans fans wanting less. At this point though, the guy that played the corpse in Weekend at Bernie’s would be a better fit at quarterback than Kerry Collins.

NY GIANTS (-5) over San Diego

In The Daily News the other day, Tom Coughlin said that this Sunday is the make-or-break point of the Giants’ season. According to Coughlin it has all come down to a “one-game season” for the Giants, which is kind of unfair considering every other team in the league has to play 16-game seasons.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over Dallas

Tony Romo is to important games what that indian guy from The Big Bang Theory is to girls. He completely shuts down. Romo is probably better off getting drunk before big games. It worked for Kerry Collins.

DENVER (+3) over Pittsburgh

I am a riding shotgun on the Broncos bandwagon right now. I’m sitting right next to the driver with a foam finger and everything. I am drinking the Josh McDaniels kool-aid. This is bad news for Denver.

I accidentally left the Green Bay-Tampa Bay game off my original draft yesterday….so here it is:

Green Bay (-10) over TAMPA BAY

Last Week: 7-6

Season Total: 69-47


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Bird Food

3 11 2009

As you may already know, I like to exaggerate from time to time. I am quite the avid fan of hyperbole, when it is used in moderation and under the right circumstances. Normally, I tend to exaggerate when I’m trying to emphasize something or make a joke, otherwise I like to stay away from it. Sometimes, when it comes to sports, it’s easier to let the stats do the talking. But not on Sunday. The Giants most recent loss this past Sunday to the Philadelphia Eagles goes way beyond what stats can explain.

This latest embarrassment had to be seen to be believed, and no matter what you read in the box score the next day, nothing can compare to actually having to sit through that 3-hour slow-motion train wreck. That, my dear readers, is not an exaggeration — it’s the truth. In fact, and I say this in all seriousness, that game may have been the worst overall performance I have seen from the Giants in the Eli Manning Era. I will not go as far as saying that it’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen because, after all, I’ve lived through the Dave Brown Era and I’m sure many of my readers out there have even been fortunate enough to see the glory days of Joe Pisarcik. So I’ll stick to the last 5 years and just as a fun exercise, I’ll put together what I believe to be the 5 Worst Performances of the Eli Manning Era (2004-Present):

1) Minnesota Vikings 41, NY Giants 17 (11/25/07)

This game tops the list mostly because of when it took place. It was a Week 12 game during the season that the Giants would go on to win the Super Bowl, and it happened during a point in the season where Giants fans and the New York media were once again questioning whether the Giants would ever be able to win a title with Eli Manning. It was perhaps the worst performance of his career, and a day when the infamous Eli Manning Face seemed to be permanently plastered on the TV screen. Eli ended up throwing 4 interceptions, 3 of which were returned for Vikings touchdowns. But the game seemed to have sparked something within Eli, as the Giants (7-4 at the time) went on to win 7 of their last 9 games on an improbable journey to their Super Bowl XLII victory.

2) Carolina Panthers 23, NY Giants 0, NFC Wild Card Playoffs (1/8/06)

In Eli Manning’s much-anticipated first appearance in the postseason, the NFC East Champs hosted the Carolina Panthers in a Wild Card playoff game that proved Eli Manning was not quite ready to lead the Giants to the promised land just yet. On a cold, windy day at the Meadowlands, Eli was picked off 3 times by the Panthers en route to their 23-0 upset over the 11-5 Giants. The game was disappointing because of the our weighty expectations after a highly successful first full season by Eli, and also because getting shut-out in a playoff game on your home turf by a wild card team is about as embarrassing as getting rejected by the bride at your own wedding.

3) Philadelphia Eagles 40, NY Giants 17 (11/1/09)

So why does this game go in the third spot and not the awful loss that happened two weeks ago in New Orleans? For two reasons: 1) This game was a divisional game. We don’t often get blown out by the Eagles, Cowboys or Redskins, and when we do, it’s almost 10 times more painful because they’re our division rivals. To see the Giants come into a huge divisional battle like this one, completely unprepared and caught off guard was shocking and embarrassing. 2) The Eagles exposed the exact same weaknesses that the Saints picked apart two weeks ago. Although the Giants suffered a disappointing loss to the Cardinals last week, it looked as if they had addressed many of the glaring problems exploited by the Saints. And then they all came roaring back on Sunday as if the Eagles had torn the stitches out of those wounds and then poured salt in them.

Every single thing that could have gone wrong for the Giants, went wrong on Sunday. The execution was poor on both sides of the football and the defense was on its heels from the minute the game started. I mean, the Eagles’ first touchdown was scored on a 44-yard run by an unknown fullback before the game was even 2 minutes old. A fullback tore through their vaunted, but apparently overrated defensive line and then scorched their linebackers and secondary. I’m sorry to say this, but from that point on I knew that we were going to be seeing a repeat of the Saints game all over again. And deja vu it was.

Even after the Giants looked like they might start to regroup and pull the pieces back together after cutting the Eagles lead to 16-7 in the second quarter, the defense once again fell apart like clumps of wet newspaper. Donovan McNabb threw two touchdown passes in a 1 minute span to give the Eagles a 30-7 lead and put a dagger through the Giants’ hearts. The two touchdown drives took a combined 45 seconds of possession time and were helped out by an Eli Manning interception.

To suck all the hope out of Giants fans, the opening kickoff of the second half was fumbled by Domenik Hixon and recovered by the Eagles and led to a 33-7 lead. Just when you thought a comeback might be possible, LeSean McCoy torched the Giants for 66 yards to make it 40-17 and Giants fans were left to wonder what exactly had happened to their team that was 5-0 and on top of the world just 3 short weeks ago.

In case you were curious, the other two dreadful performances of the Eli Manning Era to make my top 5 list were:

4) Seattle Seahawks 42, NY Giants 30 (9/24/06)

The score was a heck of a lot closer than this game actually was. Before the Giants tacked on 4 fourth quarter touchdowns in an attempt to save some of their dignity, the Seahawks actually led this game 42-3. It was like a scene from Hostel being played out on a football field.

5) New Orleans Saints 48, NY Giants 27 (10/18/09)

I don’t need to remind anyone how bad this game was.

Honorable Horrible Mention:

New Orleans Saints 30, NY Giants 7 (12/24/06)

Eli Manning: 9/24, 74 yds. 1 TD, 1 INT

Baltimore Ravens 37, NY Giants 14 (12/12/04)

Eli Manning: 4/18, 27 yds. 2 INT


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World Series Game 4 Running Diary

2 11 2009

As Bill Simmons would say, anytime you have the opportunity to witness the worst sports day in recent memory and do a running diary at the same time, you have to do it, right? Four hours after the Giants showed up in Philly and then were promptly chased out of the city to the tune of 40-17, the Yankees and Phillies get set to do battle across the street. Anyone who reads me already knows how I feel about the Giants and the Yankees (complete opposite ends of the love/hate spectrum) so there’s no need to waste time explaining the situation. The Giants played like Rick Moranis’s team from the Little Giants today and suddenly, instead of being mentioned among the top 5 teams in the NFL, I’m now hoping we can salvage a 6-10 record out of this season. That’s how bad it looked. To make things better, Carsten Charles Sabathia is on the mound tonight against Mean Joe Blanton with a 2-1 series lead. I know his nickname isn’t really Mean Joe, but I don’t think he has much else going for him other than a made-up nickname so we’ll keep it. Suffice to say, the Yankees winning tonight and moving to within one win of a World Series title, coupled with the Giants losing their third game in a row by a combined 51 points is probably God’s way of saying “Maybe you shouldn’t watch sports anymore.” So think of this running diary as a sort of suicide note for my life as a sports fan. You know, if worst comes to worst.

8:00 – The clocks were turned back an hour last night, so it’s 8:00 but Phillies fans are technically working with a 9:00 buzz, which would make them approximately 4.17% more drunk. I’ll take anything I can get right now.

8:04 – I just learned last night that the FOX World Series music is actually the theme music from North and South, a mini series about the Civil War starring the late Patrick Swayze. I don’t know why this is relevant, but at least it’s more relevant than anything coming out of Ozzie Guillen’s mouth right now.

8:06 – Here are some of my tweets from last night’s game, to kind of give you a feel for the direction that this series seems to be going in:

“Jayson is Werth a lot to this Phillies team right now! HA! Get it?”

“Hey what are the odds of that!? Not the ball hitting the camera, but that the umps actually got a call right!”

“Hamels’ night was over the second that Jeffrey Maier dressed up a camera and caught A-Rod’s home run ball.”

“About eight batters too late, Grady Manuel.”

“So when is Ryan Howard’s Memorial Service? I hope it’s an open casket.”

“Utley homered twice in Game 1, Werth goes deep twice tonight…Howard, still nothing. Yep, I’m gonna keep beating this into the ground.”

“‘McCarver: Rollins was coming from the second base side of second base.’ That joke just made itself.”

“Ryan Howard’s funeral service will be held tomorrow at 5 p.m. in between the Giants-Eagles game and Game 4 of the World Series. Bring flowers.”

“Hey Phillies, good luck tomorrow night pitching Joe Blanton against Carsten Charles. This series is more over than the Gosselin’s marriage.”

8:13 – Is it true that the Philly Phanatic is batting in the clean-up spot in place of Howard tonight?

8:19 – If the Phillies win tonight, Manuel looks smart for saving Cliff Lee for Game 5 and not pushing him to start on short rest….on the other hand if they lose, the series is pretty much over.

8:22 – First pitch of the game is a strike. You know what that means…..it’s an 0-1 count to Jeter.

8:23 – Utley almost makes an incredible play but slips on the wet grass and Jeter has a lead-off infield single. So much for wearing cleats….

8:24 – Damon rips a double off Blanton, Yankees have runners on 2nd and 3rd with nobody out. There’s not even a Sunday night football game on. I might overdose on Nyquil before the 3rd inning.

8:26 – The first pitch was 4 minutes ago and it’s already 1-0 Yankees. Thanks a lot, Mean Joe.

8:26 – A-Rod is hit by a pitch for the second time in two nights. Both benches have been warned, which means Hamburglar Sabathia can’t retaliate now. I read something earlier today that said the Phillies might throw at Yankees batters tonight, but I thought it was a joke like the Giants defense today. Either way, there are runners on the corners and 1 out and Joe Blanton already looks like he borrowed Eli Manning’s “Oh sh–, what am I doing here?” face.

8:30 – 2-0 Yankees, 8 minutes into the game. I think God is now saying, “Okay, you’re not going to turn this game off? Watch me, I’ll make you. I SWEAR I WILL MAKE YOU QUIT SPORTS.”

8:34 – Did Sabathia steal MC Hammer’s pants? What is he, a size 64 waist?

8:35 – Last night after the game, Nick Swisher thanked Joe Girardi for having faith in him….was he referring to that time he was benched for Jerry Hairston Jr. in Game 2?

8:36 – Victorino pokes one off the end of his bat into left field for a one-out double, just out of the reach of a diving Johnny Damon. In case you were keeping score, “Diving Johnny Damon” is the name of a new drink that automatically spills every time you pick it up.

8:39 – Utley breaks out of his slump and rips a double off the wall in right center and it’s 2-1 now. Back-to-back one out doubles brings up Ryan Howard. Sabathia just put on a wind-breaker. I smell strikeout number 11 coming.

8:41 -Howard whiffs at a slider on 3-1 that makes it look like he was trying to gently swat at a fly on Posada’s helmet.

8:43 -Aaaaaaaaand Howard strikes out for the 11th time in this series. At this point, his family should be trying to collect on his life insurance policy.

8:46 – The red-hot Werth walks and now there are 2 on and 2 out for Raul Ibanez. This crowd does not seem to have reached its peak BAC level and I’m disappointed in the city of Philadelphia. No one has been hit with a battery yet, and it’s already Game 4. Ibanez strikes out to end the inning. The Phillies add a run, but it’s 2-1 after one inning. Philly can get to Sabathia tonight, as long as they don’t start swinging at sliders in the dirt.

8:54 – Blanton takes the Yankees down 1-2-3 in the top of the 2nd, striking out Swisher and Sabathia. He’s looking a bit more confident in his pitches now that he got the first inning out of the way. Hopefully he can get things on track now and the Phillies can put up some runs behind him.

8:56 - By the way, 1,100 words already and we’re still in the 2nd inning. This running diary was a great idea, wasn’t it? I don’t know if my WordPress blog has enough bandwidth to support a 10,000 word column.

8:59 – I went to see a game at Citizens Bank Park a few years ago, it’s an awfully nice place to watch baseball. Not as nice when you’re there to see the Mets get spanked, but it has a certain charm. And by charm, I mean cheesesteaks. If FOX keeps showing them, there’s a good chance I’ll make the hour drive to Philly at 1 in the morning.

9:03 – Cookie Crunch Sabathia retires the Phillies in order in the bottom half of the 2nd. Both teams will have the top of the their order heading into the 3rd. I can see this game evening out for the next few innings until the Yankees lineup starts hammering Blanton into submission in the 5th or 6th and Manuel leaves him in a few batters too long.

9:08 – A diving stop made by Pedro Feliz on a Jeter grounder to third. It seems like Feliz is in the sand more often than the cast of Baywatch. He gets the job done though.

9:09 – Joe Buck just commented on the new Pearl Jam album right before Blanton strikes out Teixeira to end the top of 3rd. The day I take a music review by Joe Buck seriously is the day I back over my own iPod with my car.

9:14 – For all the talking that Jimmy Rollins does, he really doesn’t spend too much time on the bases, does he?

9:15 – What’s bigger: Shane Victorino’s head, or home plate ump Mike Everett’s strike zone tonight?

9:17 – Utley against Sabathia in this series: 4/4, 2 HR, 2B, BB and 3 RBI’s. Wait, make that 4/5 now. End of the 3rd inning, still 2-1 Yankees. Are the Phillies done hitting for the night? The bat boy wants to know so he can start packing up.

9:23 – Apparently A-Rod thinks that getting thrown at 3 times in 2 nights is an obvious sign that the Phillies are purposely throwing at him. In other news, the Earth is round and Tim McCarver is uninteresting.

9:26 – Blanton strikes out Posada and Cano to retire his 11th straight batter and it definitely seems like he’s settling into his groove now, which may or may not be wider than Everett’s strike zone. The Phillies have the heart of their order coming up in the bottom of the inning.

9:30 – Are you f—– kidding me?!? Ryan Howard just led off the inning with a single and then STOLE SECOND BASE. This is a bigger twist than when we found out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of The Sixth Sense. It’s like he just got up and walked out of his own funeral!

9:34 – Werth grounds out to third which, in retrospect, makes that stolen base important because it prevented a possible double play. Two outs with Howard on second and Feliz at the plate.

9:37 – Feliz rips a double to left and Howard comes around to score, but never touches home plate. He was called safe, and I’m reluctant to admit this, but he never touched the plate. If the Phillies win, I hope to God it’s by more than one run. Anyway, it’s 2-2 at the end of 4 innings as Blanton strikes out.

9:48 – Jeter drives in Swisher with runners on first and second and 1 out. It’s now 3-2 Yankees. The ball squirts just past the reach of a diving Feliz (in the sand again) and Ibanez’s throw to the plate is late as usual. Actually, it was so late I’m tempted to run out and buy a pregnancy test.

9:50 – Maybe drinking all day has backfired on the Phillies fans. It sounds like they’re playing this game in the lobby of a Borders book store right now.

9:52 – Damon drops a bloop single into shallow right field. Cabrera scores and it’s 4-2 Yankees with 1 out and Teixeira up. Let’s forget what I said earlier about Blanton finding his groove. His groove his so lost right now that even Mapquest can’t pinpoint it. At least the Phillies are hitting. Wait….no they’re not.

9:56 – Phillies need to get something going offensively, they can’t keep letting Sabathia off the hook inning after inning. Also, I think I just saw Shane Victorino in the trailer for Avatar.

9:59 – Hey, Rollins got on base! Apparently I’m good at getting Phillies hitters out of their slumps. I already single-handedly reverse jinxed Utley, Howard and Rollins out of slumps. That has to count for something. Can I put that on my resume?

10:02 – Sabathia, it’s 10:00, do you know where your strike zone is? I’m just kidding, but Victorino really did just walk. Two on and nobody out for Chase Utley aka Sabathia’s Nemesis as McCarver just called him.

10:04 – The Nemesis has fallen behind 0-2. Advantage: Sabathia. Also, there is a plate of hot dogs in the clubhouse. Advantage: Sabathia, again. Check-swing pop-up by Utley. 1 out. Don’t worry Yanks, Ryan Howard is coming to the rescue now to bail out Sabathia.

10:07 – Howard pops up, reverse jinx fails. We enjoyed his short visit to the land of the living though. It was fun while it lasted.

10:09 – If Cream Cheese Sabathia escapes this inning without giving up a run, he’ll roll right through to the 8th. I know this, you know this, Joe Buck definitely knows this. Right now Jayson Werth is swinging like he’s afraid he might break the ball.

10:12 – Posada has made so many visits to the mound that I’m afraid the next one might be a conjugal visit. Aaaaaaand as I’m typing that, Werth strikes out. Inning over, Phils trail 4-2 going to the 6th. I’m going out for a cigarette and to see if I can fit a hose around my exhaust pipe.

10:22 – Swisher forces a two-out walk and there’s now action in the Philadelphia bullpen. Also, there’s an ad for an upcoming FOX series called “Human Target” being displayed behind home plate. I wonder if this show has anything to do with A-Rod.

10:25 – It’s weird, I’m nowhere near a radio, but I can almost hear John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman counting down the number of outs until the Yankees send in Rivera.

10:28 – Remember when Raul Ibanez was a power hitter this season? I swear that really happened.

10:29 – Pedro Feliz is probably the hottest bat in the lineup right now, which is good until you realize that he’s the number 7 hitter.

10:33 – The Phillies go down quietly after the hit by Feliz and now we can look forward to Chan Ho Park in the 7th inning. I just disabled the brakes in my car. I might go for a drive after this game is over.

10:35 – Chan Ho Park looks like the bad guy from a Jet Li movie. I think it’s the beard and long hair that does it.

10:37 – The Phillies will have the top of their lineup due up in the bottom of the 7th, which really doesn’t mean anything at this point.

10:47 – Sabathia just tried to hit a guy sitting in the first row behind home plate with his last pitch. Shouldn’t he be thrown out? I thought both teams were warned already? Rollins continues not-hitting by grounding out to third. And then Victorino flies out. Phillies bats sure are making this look easy for Cream Cheese tonight.

10:50 – Remember when Utley hit two homers in Game 1? It feels like it happened when I was in 3rd grade.

10:52 – ……And the second after I finished typing that, Utley crushes a mammoth home run to right field. My reverse jinx efforts continue. Phils cut the lead to 4-3, Sabathia heads for the dugout. I swear I’m not making this up. I’m like the anti-Joe Buck tonight.

10:57 – Damaso Marte comes in to retire Ryan Howard in 4 pitches. I’m sorry, I’m all out of Ryan Howard jokes right now. Check back again in the 9th inning, maybe.

11:10 – I took the top of the 8th inning off to….not watch the game. Fortunately, nothing too important happened other than FOX showing Rivera in the bullpen a record 315 times. Okay, so I was watching.

11:13 – Joba Chamberlain is in to pitch the 8th inning for the Yankees, which puts them over the 1-ton mark for the combined weight of their pitchers in tonight’s game. That sets a World Series record originally held by the 1915 Boston Red Sox.

11:16 – Chamberlain strikes out Werth and Ibanez to start the inning. Citizens Bank Park sounds like a mausoleum right now. So much for a patented Joba meltdown.

11:18 – You’re going to think I’m lying, but I swear on the Baseball Almanac that I’m not. I was just planning out my next sentence in my head and hoping it would go like this: “Wow, Feliz just hit a game-tying home run to left field.” On the next pitch, Pedro Feliz ripped a game-tying home run to left field. This is getting scary. It’s fine if you don’t believe me. By the way, Pedro Feliz is 3/4 with a HR and 2 RBI’s. You can’t make this up.

11:23 – Brad Lidge on to pitch the 9th inning for Philadelphia. Let’s hope we see 2008 Brad Lidge and not 2009 Brad Lidge. We’re all tied up at 4-4 in Game 4 and here is where baseball in October November gets exciting.

11:26 – The obligatory FOX montage highlighting Lidge’s 11 blown saves this season. Can someone see if Joe Buck is wearing a Yankees hat in the broadcast booth?

11:29 – Lidge fans Jeter for the second out of the inning. Unfortunately, Lidge is due to lead off the bottom of the 9th so this will most likely be his only inning of work. Phil Coke is warming up in the Yankees bullpen. With the game now tied, Girardi may hold Rivera for extra innings. Or he may not.

11:31 – Phillies fans have finally woken up and are making noise, it only took a clutch game-tying home run from the 7th hitter in the lineup to rouse them from their stupor.

11:33 – Damon fights off pitch after pitch and finally gets on after shooting a ball into left field. The Yankees now have a two-out base-runner with Teixeira at the plate.

11:34 – Unbelievable. Damon steals second and then catches Feliz sleeping at second after the throw and runs right around him to third. He just stole two bases in a row. Now all of a sudden New York has a runner 90 feet away from home.

11:36 – Lidge hits Teixeira with the 1-1 pitch bringing A-Rod to the plate with runners on the corners and two out. I guess we got the 2009 Lidge tonight? I think so.

11:39 – I should really stop doing this. Rodriguez doubles to left. So much for the Feliz heroics, it’s 5-4 Yankees. Aaaaaand then Posada lines one into center to score two more runs. Brad Lidge better hope that no one knows where he lives. I don’t think setting fire to his house is out of the question for Phillies fans right now. Even worse, Rivera will come on for the bottom of the 9th with a 3-run lead. It sounds like someone hit the mute button on Citizens Bank Park.

11:44 – Matt Stairs, who has played in every World Series since 1907, leads off the ninth for Philly and then grounds out. How is there anyone still in this stadium? Hoping for a 3-run rally against Rivera is like hoping to land a date with a Victoria’s Secret model just by looking at the catalog.

11:46 – Two outs.

11:47 – 3-1 series lead for New York. Apparently that’s my cue to stop watching sports for about 5 or 6 months. I feel like Justin Long in Drag Me To Hell right now. I’m going to go chug bleach and post a fake address for Brad Lidge’s house on Wikipedia.


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