I was 10-6 last weekend, which is pretty solid for Week 1, or pretty poor considering I should be 16-0 every week, however you choose to look at it. The fact that this season just keeps getting stranger and stranger and we haven’t even played two full weeks yet, is but a testament to how the NFL never ceases to surprise. Well, I’m not really surprised, but this is what I’ve come to expect. We’ll see what other stunts the league can pull on us this week.
Week 2 picks below (where I will go 16-0). As usual, home teams are in caps.
Oakland (+3) over KANSAS CITY
It’s not even certain that Matt Cassel will be on the field against the Raiders on Sunday, which would naturally pose the question of “WHO ELSE IS GOING TO PLAY QUARTERBACK???” I’ll blame it on the fact that I haven’t paid attention to the Chiefs since Priest Holmes was still alive, but I wasn’t aware they had other quarterbacks. Upon further investigation I discovered that their backup is indeed still Brodie Croyle, so no thank you, I’ll take the Raiders. They looked somewhat like an actual football team last week and less like the prison team from The Longest Yard, playing while Warden Al Davis looked down from the gun tower.
Houston (+6.5) over TENNESSEE
You can sell me on a Titans win over the Texans, maybe, but you’re not selling me on the 6.5 point spread. The Texans did look bad last week, but let’s face it, the Jets defense can make anyone look bad (I’m trying so hard not to laugh). So I’m expecting Houston (namely, Andre Johnson) to bounce back this week and make this game somewhat interesting. What I’m really feeling is something along the lines of a 22-20 finish. Trust me.
New England (-3.5) over NY JETS
Help me figure out what the more pathetic story to come out this week is: Rex Ryan’s ridiculous phone message to season-ticket holders practically pleading for them to come out on Sunday and help him out, or the fact that Kerry Rhodes wants to “embarrass” the Patriots. I understand that this is a big game for Rex and the Jets to prove themselves to the league and to prove that they can be contender, but really, it all looks like a facade to me. You haven’t heard a single peep out of the Pats this week. Basically the Jets are trying to psych out a team that cannot be psyched out. I’m sorry, but this is the same team that ran up the score against the Dolphins in a Week 2 game a few years ago, just because they could. I’m afraid for the Jets and their fans on Sunday, because when I look at Mark “Sanchise” Sanchez and his rippling GQ abs and then I look at Tom Brady and his rippling GQ abs and his propensity to eat NFL teams for lunch… like I said, I’m trying hard not to laugh. Maybe the Jets (say it with a soft “J”) will prove me wrong, but I hope not.
GREEN BAY (-9) over Cincinnati
Yet another nugget of intrigue to come out of this week is Chad Johnson Ochocinco’s claim that he will try to replicate the Lambeau Leap on Sunday when he scores a touchdown. Now, there are a number of things that are funny about this. First, Esteban, “The Most Interesting Man in Football” Ochocinco makes his scoring a touchdown on Sunday seem like an inevitability, which is funny considering he hasn’t seen the end zone since Week 6 of last season. Second, he tried to do the same thing last year in Cleveland and ended up getting pelted with enough beer to make Lindsay Lohan drunk dial the Olsen twins. I wish you the best of luck on your conquest Chad, just know that I have the Green Bay defense on my fantasy team, so I hope that you get nowhere near the endzone on Sunday. Also, as we saw last weekend, the Bengals are terrible at defending the “last-second hail mary to a wide receiver who peaked 6 years ago” play, so this one’s all you, Donald Driver.
Minnesota (-9.5) over DETROIT
Brett Favre’s stat line for last week’s opener against Cleveland: 14/21, 110 yards. I’m sorry, but what did Brett do over the summer, attend the “Chad Pennington School for Quarterbacks Who Can’t Throw Good And Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too”? Did he throw a single pass past the line of scrimmage? I’m not mad, I’m actually amazed. I guess he can have stat lines like that when his running back will probably average up around 200 yards every week. At least we won’t forget who this team belongs to: Adrian Peterson. Here’s your second fiddle Brett, learn to play it well.
New Orleans (-1) over PHILADELPHIA
Seriously, what is it with the Eagles and these 1-point spreads? Are they really an enigma that’s so hard to unravel that no one is sure whether to bet for them or against them? Come on guys, Donovan McNabb has a fractured McRib, and so that means we’ll probably see a lot of Jeff Garcia, a Giants fan’s worst nightmare. If you think that the Saints would probably rather see McNabb than Garcia at this point, you’re probably right, because frankly Garcia scares the bejesus out of me, I don’t care how old he is. And since I used the word “bejesus” and I’m under the age of 60, I’ll end this right here.
Carolina (+6) over ATLANTA
I will probably immediately regret this pick, about 6 minutes into the 1:00 games on Sunday, when I look up and Atlanta already has a 14-0 lead and Delhomme has 3 INTs. But you only get one life, one chance, so we have to take risks sometimes, and the Falcons didn’t look so hot against Miami last week. I just hope that Michael Turner returns from the Witness Protection Program this week. WE NEED YOU MICHAEL, COME BACK.
WASHINGTON (-9.5) over St. Louis
This one screams “IT’S A LOCK” so loudly that I’m almost tempted to change my pick in the suicide pool. Because sometimes you might think that you hear “IT’S A LOCK”, but in reality “IT’S A TRAP!” This game has all the classic symptoms of Trap Game Syndrome. And now everyone is changing the picks for their suicide pool from the Redskins to the Vikings. You’re welcome.
Arizona (+3) over JACKSONVILLE
Wow, how this cold, harsh world can turn on a poor Super Bowl runner-up in a heartbeat. On top of the world one moment, and then the next moment you’re underdogs to the Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m sorry Cardinals. The whole world talked about how the 49ers were probably better than most people expected before the game last week, and then when they actually won, everybody was shocked. Super Bowl hangover, slump, coma, whatever you want to call it, it exists, but come on give the Cards some credit.
SAN FRANCISCO (-1) over Seattle
As much as I would like to believe that the Seahawks are back, and Matt Hasselbeck used a special age-reversing formula and T.J. Houshmandzadeh shortened his last name to just “The Housh”, I can’t yet. It could partly be due to the fact that Seattle dismantled Rick Moranis’s team from the Little Giants last week. If they can look as good as they did against the Rams, against an NFL team (and calling the 49ers an NFL team is even stretching it just a tad) then I can believe that the Seahawks are back. Then and only then.
BUFFALO (-4.5) over Tampa Bay
Last week’s game against New England was like a microcosm of the Bills entire 2008 season. It started off with “Wow, the Bills kind of look good, am I really seeing this? Are you really sure these are the Buffalo Bills? From Buffalo?” to “Oh no, here we go again, thanks a lot @$%@&*!” to finally, “These are our Buffalo Bills. They were what we thought they were.” The bottom line is that the Bills had the Patriots beat last week. They absolutely owned the first 55 minutes of that game. If Leodis McKelvin falls to the turf with the ball on that kickoff instead of trying to return it, the Bills run out the clock and everybody is talking this week about how Brady still isn’t Brady and “what has happened to the Patriots?” and not about T.O. pointing fingers (again). But it didn’t happen that way, so here’s another chance for Buffalo, in their home-opener against a Tampa Bay defense that leaves a lot to be desired.
DENVER (-3) over Cleveland
It must be nice for the Broncos to open up the season against the Bengals and Browns back to back. It must also be nice for Kyle Orton to be able to heave a ball 50 yards downfield and know that Brandon Stokely will run under it and somehow make the catch and that there will be absolutely zero defenders behind him. Must be nice.
Baltimore (+3) over SAN DIEGO
Joe Flacco is from Jersey, Ray Rice is a Rutgers alum, so what is there not to like about this Ravens team? Nothing! I like it all, and this is the first time I’ve said that out loud since the Super Bowl We Do Not Speak Of. But it’s been almost 9 years now, so I guess time heals all wounds. Time and Super Bowl XLII. I’m not afraid of the Ravens anymore, and I’m definitely not afraid of the Chargers. Not after last week’s near-disaster in Oakland. If Philip Rivers had trouble against the big, bad Raiders defense, I’d like to see him have at it against Baltimore’s D.
PITTSBURGH (-3) over Chicago
Good news, Jay Cutler says that he’s not too concerned over his 4 INT train-wreck last Sunday against the Packers. Oh that’s good Jay, you’re not worried? Well do you know who is worried? EVERY BEARS FAN IN AMERICA. Why wouldn’t they be, Cutler completed 4 passes to guys in Packers uniforms, almost more than one quarter of the amount of passes he completed to his own team. Hopefully Willie Parker follows Michael Turner’s lead and emerges from Witness Protection, because something is scaring my fantasy RB’s into hiding and I don’t like it.
NY Giants (+3) over DALLAS
Good, make the Cowboys favorites. I’m trying really hard to find my weekly Obscenely Huge Video Board Hanging Over the Field joke, but I can’t think of anything right now. So I’ll just let you know that I called all the Giants season ticket holders this week and I left them all a voice message, which said something along the lines of “you better watch the game this week, it’s on NBC, it’s carried by all basic cable providers, if you don’t want to listen to Cris Collinsworth you can hit mute if you want and put some music on in the background. Also, make sure you drink a lot and try to come up with as many unique insults as you can, related to Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson/how the Cowboys haven’t won a playoff game in 14 years. Thank you. Go Giants.” Anyway, I have come up with a Videoboard joke, which also doubles as a new drinking game. Play this on Sunday night while you’re watching the game: Every time a punt hits the Video Board, you take a shot. Nice and simple, but watch, you’re going to be hammered by the end of the game.
Indianapolis (-3) over MIAMI
Another game involving the Colts which will likely be about as interesting as clipping coupons.
Last Week: 10-6
Season Total: 10-6
