MEGA, SUPERSIZED, COLOSSAL 2009 NFL Season Preview, Part I (Don’t say I didn’t warn you)

29 08 2009

The 2008 NFL season was one of the wackiest, most upside-down seasons I can ever remember watching in real life (as opposed to some really crazy seasons I’ve played in Madden). The 2007 MVP Tom Brady went down for the season on only the second play from scrimmage, however the Patriots still managed to finish 11-5, but then didn’t even make the playoffs. The Miami Dolphins came out of nowhere (literally nowhere) and went from 1-15 the previous season to 11-5 and AFC East Champions.

The defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants looked to be in top-form all season and were favorites to repeat until Plaxico Burress decided to shoot himself in the thigh and somehow, the NFC Championship ended up coming down to the Eagles and the Cardinals, two teams who in Week 16 looked like they didn’t even want to make the playoffs.

Oh and the Lions went 0-16.

That was your 2008 season recap. So without further adieu, here’s your 2009 season preview, all 40,000 words of it.

Since I’m likely going to roll off 2,000 words for the NFC East and NFC North, I’ll do myself and everyone else a favor by limiting the preview to two divisions per day. That way, I can do a 4-part mega special. So here’s Part 1:

NFC

East

1) New York Giants (11-5)

Even the most hardheaded diehard fans (much like myself) have to admit that there are some problems going into this season that weren’t really addressed by the front office in the offseason. For example, our star wide receiver, who caught the winning touchdown in Super Bowl XLII is now going to be doing his best Paul Crewe impression in state prison, just in time to takeover the team that Michael Vick had to leave last month. So now, instead of going out and signing a veteran WR to fill the gaping hole left by not only Burress’s absence but also Toomer’s (who left for Kansas City in free agency) Eli Manning is going to have to rely on a bevy of young wide receivers who may or may not catch 50% of the passes thrown at them. Domenik Hixon, Steve Smith, Hakeem Nicks, Sinorice Moss, Ramses Barden, and Mario Manningham. Not exactly household names, but only time will tell how they can adapt to playing professional football in New York.

As for the backfield, the Giants lost Derrick Ward, 1/3 of the famous Earth, Wind and Fire backfield to Tampa Bay this spring, turning the aforementioned trio into something that now more resembles Boyz II Men. But have no fear, Brandon Jacobs looks to be at the top of his game, coming off of a 15 TD season a year ago and Ahmad Bradshaw should be the perfect change-of-pace back with fresh legs to navigate the gaping holes created by a Pro Bowl offensive line.

Plus, the defense is 100% healthy and some analysts have remarked that this year’s Giants defensive line has the potential to be one of the best D-lines ever. So that’s something to be excited about.

2) Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)

I can’t really begin to try and understand what direction the Eagles wanted to go in when they signed Michael Vick a few weeks ago to a 2-year contract. If it was strictly a move to make headlines, then they accomplished that. Frankly, if I never hear Michael Vick’s name ever again, I won’t be upset. He hadn’t even stepped on the field in a preseason game before protesters were already outside the Linc marching for him. We haven’t even seen PETA bring out the big guns yet. How will this relationship between McNabb and Vick work out? Not well. And I don’t have to be an expert analyst to know that this experiment is not going to end well. Two superstars on one team playing the same position. Do you know what comes with superstars? Superstar egos. McNabb can talk all he wants about how he campaigned to get Vick to Philly, but when it comes down to it, and Vick starts taking snaps away from him and McNabb’s going in on plays lined up as a wide receiver, he might feel differently. And I have a feeling that it’s started already. Plus, you have to know that the first time McNabb screws up, the Philly fans will be starting a “WE WANT VICK” chant faster than they can scarf down a cheesesteak. Oh wait….that already happened the other night.

Luckily for Eagles fans, the team is virtually the same team from last year, plus the key additions of Jeremy Maclin and LeSean McCoy (who should end up being solid relief for Brian Westbrook’s old knees by the second half of the season when he’s usually as beat up as a ‘74 Chevelle). The loss of Brian Dawkins and several other key defensive players may prove costly down the stretch, but the Eagles have what it takes to make another playoff run, for the most part.

3) Dallas Cowboys (10-6)

I had a different beginning for this paragraph, but I forgot it because I was distracted by all the Cowboys fans loudly trying to convince themselves that their team is better off without Terrell Owens. Sure, whatever you say. So who is going to make up those 15 touchdowns this season? Sam Hurd? One thing the Cowboys do have going for them this season is the massive behemoth of a scoreboard hanging from the ceiling of their new stadium. Now if only they can get it to block the opposing team’s end zone instead of punts, Tony Romo might have a chance to win his first playoff game.

4) Washington Redskins (9-7)

I didn’t hear a whole lot about the Redskins this offseason, which is odd considering nary a spring goes by without Dan Snyder hopelessly pursuing big name free agents and making the salary cap his bitch. Maybe the last few second-half collapses have opened his eyes to the fact that aimlessly throwing money around does not equate to wins in the NFL. Either way, Jason Campbell showed signs of maturing last season and this being the second full year now under Jim Zorn’s system, expect improvement for the Skins. Just not enough improvement to give them a chance of making the playoffs in one of the league’s most competitive divisions.

North

1) Chicago Bears (10-6)

The season is going to come down to the final week in the NFC North because (with the exception of the Lions) this is one of the most evenly matched divisions in the league. The Vikings barely squeaked away with the division title last year after a Week 17 win over the Giants, but this year is the year that the Bears return to the top. The Bears made an impressive run at the tail end of last season but ultimately fell short of winning the division. However they did improve on last year’s team already just by getting Jay Cutler in that unbelieveably ridiculously stupid trade from Denver that sent Kyle Orton to the Broncos. I can only imagine that the phone conversation between Lovie Smith and Josh McDaniels went something like this:

JM: Listen Lovie, Cutler is really starting to piss me off, I need to show this team who’s boss, I can’t come in here, expect to right the ship and let my QB walk all over me. Do you want him?

LS: (laughing) Yeah, I’d love to have Jay Cutler, did you watch any of our games last year? Do you have any clue who I’m starting this season? Kyle Orton. And my next best choice is Rex Grossman. That’s like choosing between herpes and gonorrhea.

JM: How about Cutler for Orton, straight-up?

LS: (silence)

JM: You still there?

LS: (trying not to laugh, which maniacally rubbing his hands together) Deal.

That’s like trading a mini-fridge for a 60-inch flatscreen TV. Seriously. Regardless, Cutler has no one to throw to, save for a punt-returner-turned-wide receiver called Devin Hester. The defense is as strong as ever though, and Cutler has one of the best arms in the league. Add Matt Forte to the mix, one of last year’s biggest surprises, and the Bears have a winning formula.

2) Minnesota Vikings (10-6)

I’m trying to keep this paragraph brief so I don’t have to mention the name of the quarterback that the Vikings recently signed. But by explaining this, I’m already breaking my rule of not mentioning him and look, that’s already 30-something words about someone who I didn’t even want to mention. BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE. There, it’s out there now. Honestly, his rotator cuff isn’t 100% and I see him being on injured reserve before Week 10. There isn’t a rift in the Minnesota locker room right now, but there will be. Just watch. And All Day can run for another 2,000 yards if he wants to, but you’re only going so far when you have a 41-year old quarterback who doesn’t know when to retire, and who is backed up by Tarvaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte.

3) Green Bay Packers (9-7)

Aaron Rodgers looks infinitely more comfortable in his second full season as starting quarterback and he has a number of reliable weapons in Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, who had a breakout year in 2008. Plus, drafting Boston College’s B.J. Raji adds to an already solid defense. Last season was a disappointment for Green Bay, but they have the talent and the potential to turn it around this season.

4) Detroit Lions (4-12)

They have the #1 pick in the draft in Georgia’s Matthew Stafford, but we all know how much that means (I’m looking at you, Alex Smith). Anyway, he won’t be starting the season at QB. Instead, Daunte Culpepper will get the nod, at least for the first few weeks. Expect Stafford to be starting by the midway point of the season though if the Lions start off slow (and they will). Let’s face it though, if they win 2 games, it will still be a vast improvement over last season’s 0-16 train wreck.

NFC South and West Previews coming tomorrow, stay tuned!


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Dog Days of Summer (Sorry Eagles fans, no pun intended)

28 08 2009

What have I missed in the three weeks since I last updated? Apparently, I missed a lot. Well, I didn’t exactly miss it, I’m well aware of what’s going on, I just haven’t had a chance to write about it. Blame vacation. Long gone are the slow, languid days of August where the big stories in sports are few and far between. Maybe a steroid scandal or two sprinkled in between NFL training camp and the early, lightly drawn beginnings of a pennant race, but typically the dog days of August are quiet and humid.

Not this August though. In fact, less than a month ago, back on July 29th, I wrote this in my column about the Brett Favre and Michael Vick sagas:

“As enthralled as I have been to follow this thrilling coverage, I’m reluctant to say that yesterday Favre decided to stay retired (for now) and on Monday, Goodell handed down a conditional reinstatement to Vick, essentially allowing him to play in the league again by Week 6, if he can find a team that can tolerate the thousands of rabid PETA protesters that will likely picket outside of every game he starts from now on.

Maybe in a few years we can look forward to “BRETT FAVRE! MICHAEL VICK! IT’S SUPER BOWL XLV ON FOX!!!””

Three weeks later, Brett Favre is, in fact, unretired yet again and the starting quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, and tomorrow night, Michael Vick, the real-life Paul Crewe, will be making his preseason debut at quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.  I can’t say I’m the only one who saw this coming, because let’s be honest, this news came as less of a surprise to me than when I found out that pro wrestling was fixed.  Now it’s not really possible for Favre and Vick to face each other in this year’s Super Bowl because they’re both playing for NFC teams, but is the possibility of an Eagles-Vikings match-up in the NFC title game completely out of the question? No, it’s not. Hence, why I should be getting paid for this.

Since I’m sure that everyone is tired of hearing about Brett Favre and Michael Vick, just as I’m tired of seeing people misspell Favre’s name in Facebook statuses (Farve? Really? And how long have you been a football fan?), I will move on to more pressing matters. Like, for example, this year’s tantalizing pennant races and wild card races are heating up now. As we get ready to close out the month of August and flip the calendar to September, we enter the final month of the major league baseball regular season and as of today’s standings it looks to me like every division, with the exception of the NL East and the NL Central, is still up for grabs. The Phillies hold a 7-game lead over the Marlins and Braves in the East, and honestly, the way that Philly is playing right now, with Jimmy Rollins finally getting his swing back and Cliff Lee pitching like Sandy Koufax, I don’t see either team catching them.

As for the Cardinals, they have a 8.5-game lead on the Cubs right now, which is the biggest division lead in the league right now. Pujols has 40 HRs and Chris Carpenter, pitching in his first full season since 2006 after Tommy John surgery, is 14-3 and making a bid for his second Cy Young award. So I would imagine that it’s safe to say that it will now be 101 years for those poor Cubbie fans from the North side.

As for the other 4 divisions, it’s anyone’s game. The Yankees have what seems like a pretty firm 6-game lead on the Red Sox, but with the history that these two teams have between each other (1978 pennant race, 2004 ALCS, etc), would anything really surprise you at this point? The Yankees are in a three-game series right now with the Rangers, who the Red Sox have a 1.5 game lead over in the Wild Card race, so I would guess that Boston will be doing a good amount of scoreboard monitoring over the next few nights.

The Dodgers would be doing scoreboard watching, if not for the fact that they just spent the last three games in Colorado trying not to passively watch as their season imploded in front of their eyes. Before this week’s series against the surging Rockies, the Dodgers division lead, which was once comfortably in the double digits, had shrunk to a minuscule 3 games and it looked like the Dodgers were putting on their best 2008 Mets impression. But the Dodgers took 2 out of 3 from the Rockies and now their lead is at 4 with a month to go.

The Rockies (looking a lot like the 2007 version of themselves that improbably made the World Series, and less like last year’s disappointment of a team) have a back-up plan luckily, if they can’t catch the Dodgers before season’s end. They hold a 3-game lead in the Wild Card standings over San Francisco.

As for the MVP races in both leagues? Four words. Albert. Pujols. Joe. Mauer.

Stay tuned for an action-packed NFL 2009 Season Preview coming up this weekend. Good luck on your fantasy football drafts everyone, and whatever you do, try to stay away from Brandon Marshall.


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Top 100 Things I Love About Sports: #98

25 08 2009

#98: Tailgating

There are few things in this world that make me as happy as when I pull into the parking lot of Giants Stadium on game day, roll my window down, and take in the smell of hundreds upon hundreds of charcoal grills burning. The smells of countless different varieties of meats being cooked and blending together in the air is something that immediately evokes a feeling of warmth inside of me, although that may easily be mistaken for the feeling you get when your stomach starts producing digestive acids in the anticipation of downing a half-rack of ribs while you sit on a folding chair behind a Chevy Suburban.

Tailgating, my friends, is the age-old tradition of arriving to a football game 4-5 hours before kickoff, getting very, very drunk and eating an unhealthy amount of sausage before most people have woken up. And I love it.

The fact is, tailgating adds to the fun of just about any event. Football games, baseball games, concerts, bridal showers, christenings, you name it. There’s just something about drinking beer and cooking meat behind your car in a parking lot. If I could propose a tailgating challenge to anyone who doesn’t believe me, it would go something like this: pick an event that normally would not be exciting or fun and the next time you do it, bring a grill and a cooler with you, and tailgate. I guarantee you that you will enjoy yourself at least 100 times more.

I’m allowed to make guarantees like this because I’ve done the challenge before, and witnessed the power of tailgating firsthand.  About two years ago, after the Giants lost to the 16-0 Patriots in the last game of the regular season, I came back from the game with my buddy Dan, and went straight to work at Stop and Shop to help out the night crew. After a few hours, with the grill still in my car from the game, we decided to go out to the parking lot and cook some hot dogs. At about 2 in the morning. On December 30th. It was around 16 degrees outside and there we were, in an empty parking lot at 2 a.m. cooking hot dogs on an 18-inch Giants grill. And you know what happened? We had a good time. Tailgating made work about 100 times more fun than it usually was, which was about negative fun anyway. But hopefully you can see what I’m talking about.

Besides, who wants to go into a football game hungry (or thirsty)? Going into a football game hungry is like going on vacation without packing any clothes. Who wants to spend money for a hotel and flight and then have to buy clothes too? Nobody. So why would you spend $150 on a ticket to the game and then $150 on two hot dogs and three beers? Because that’s about how much it costs.

There is an art to the tailgate though, believe it or not. You want to eat and you want to drink, but you must do so in moderation. Unless you’re a Jets fan and you have zero intention of actually going into the stadium to watch the game once it starts, you don’t want to get completely hammered. When you pay astronomical prices for parking and game tickets, it’s not ideal to spend the 2nd and 3rd quarters with your face in a toilet (and if we’re talking about the toilets at Giants Stadium, I don’t know if you’d want any part of your body within 50 yards of one). On a similar note, pounding too many beers in the parking lot before the game and poor timing of your bladder functionality can lead to possibly spending 3/4 of your tailgating time in line for a port-a-potty, and that’s no fun.

Tailgating, on the other hand, is fun. Lots of fun. Doing it the right way and enjoying a little good-natured pre-game trash-talking with some opposing fans, tossing a football around and leading your unsuspecting friend dangerously close to oncoming cars with a pass, and eating way too much food…..now that’s how to tailgate. There’s nothing else quite like it, come September.


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100 Things I Love About Sports: #99

5 08 2009

#99: Fantasy Leagues

With the calendar now flipped to August and the start of the NFL preseason a mere two weeks away, the air has that familiar smell to it once again; the smell of pigskin spiraling through the air, the smell of artificial FieldTurf melting in the August sun and the smell of people with questionable personal hygiene pouring over countless fantasy football magazines looking for that all elusive Sleeper Pick.

There’s something so alluring about owning your own imaginary team made of real-life players that captures the hearts, minds and free-time of millions of sports fans every year. Whether it’s fantasy football, fantasy baseball or fantasy basketball, we just can’t get enough of this fantasy world. We spend hours upon hours thinking of the perfect draft-day strategy, ranking players by their value, stalking the waiver wires for that one perfect player to fill that hole in the line-up, or coming up with the best possible way to rip off the guy in last place with the most lopsided and uneven trade you can think of.

The reason why fantasy leagues are so popular can be traced to just about every sports fan’s deep-rooted desire to own his or her own team. I guarantee you that if you ask sports fans, “what’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery tomorrow”, more than 75% of them would tell you that they would go out and buy a professional sports team. It’s just the way it is. All of us have that dream of sitting in a cushy suite high above the field in a three-piece suit watching our team down below (or pacing the sidelines like a plastic robot, much like Jerry Jones). All of us have seen a bad trade go down, or watched our team blow a draft pick on a foreign center with an unpronounceable name and wished we were in the owner’s position so that we could do it differently.

That’s the beauty of fantasy sports, being the owner, GM and coach of your own team. You draft the players, you get to say who plays and who sits on the bench and you get to talk trash to your best friend over the internet when he forgets to change his line-up and accidentally starts Kyle Orton over Tom Brady. It’s all in good fun, and the best part is, YOU CAN WIN MONEY!!! Who doesn’t love winning money? Better yet, who doesn’t love winning money AND being able to hold it over everyone else’s head for a solid 6 months? Nobody, that’s who. Bragging rights and a fat pay-out for winning your league, as well as being able to convince yourself that you are a sports genius.

What I enjoy most about fantasy sports, namely fantasy football, is the fact that it gets me about 150%  more involved with games and teams I wouldn’t normally involve myself with. Before fantasy football, I cared about the Giants and only the Giants on Sundays. Now, I find myself updating NFL.com on my iPhone every 5 minutes on Sundays. I check scores and stats obsessively, calculating fantasy point totals in my head on the fly like a football-crazed version of Rain Man. What’s the score of the Texans-Bears game? Who cares? I CARE. I care very much because I need Andre Johnson and Matt Forte to score at least 20 points each, that’s why.

You see, it’s addicting, and it makes games you normally would care less about, a lot more exciting. Plus, you start to care about your players after a whole season following their every move. You start to appreciate the ones who perform for you week in and week out and you start to despise the ones who decide to rack up a 35-point day the one week you sit them on the bench. Fantasy football is a funny thing, and I can’t wait to get started on a new season. I won’t tell you who I’m picking first though.


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My Sports Playlist

3 08 2009

It’s Monday morning, and since everyone hates Monday mornings I’m going to switch things up a little bit and go for something a little different. Here I present to you all of the sports thoughts roaming inside of my head, matched up with a relevant song I am currently listening to. Think of it as the ultimate marriage between music and sports, or a way for me to wow you with my diverse, eclectic and mostly superior taste in music.

Jay-Z – D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)

This is the Mets season. Dead on arrival. I mean, what else could you possibly expect from a team that suffered two consecutive late-season collapses and is paying Oliver Perez, a pitcher with a below .500 record for his career, an astounding $12 million? That’s like ABC paying $1 million an episode to the dog that plays Vincent on LOST. However, Mets fans have to be excited that the team failed to make a single move before the trade deadline came and went on Friday. Let’s hope Reyes, Delgado and Beltran are healthy again before the World Baseball Classic in 2012.

James Morrison – Nothing Ever Hurt Like You

This is also dedicated to the Mets. They are the ultimate sports hangover. No matter how good of a time you had with them the night before, you almost always wake up feeling regret and nausea. They are like a bad relationship that you’re afraid to bail on because it’s comfortable. They are everything that is painful about being a sports fan. And the worst is that whenever you think they’ve finally thrown in the towel and you’re ready to give up on them for the season, they string together five straight wins like they did last week, and they drag you back in, and then they kick you in the throat by losing 2 of 3 to the Diamondbacks. They make me happy that I don’t cheer for the Jets.

Silversun Pickups – Growing Old is Getting Old

Lance Armstrong knows what I’m talking about here. The man has not raced since 2005, gets back on the horse (read: bicycle) and manages to finish 3rd. He came within minutes of winning his 8th Tour de France, and although 3rd place isn’t 1st (not even in France), you have to hand it to the guy. Whether or not you believe his 7 Tour wins were because he took steroids (personally I don’t believe he did, but to each their own), his performance in this year’s Tour was impressive for someone who hasn’t raced in four years.

Third Eye Blind – Don’t Believe A Word

No matter what we continue to hear from the players being accused of using PED’s, it’s becoming increasingly hard for anyone to want to believe anything that comes out of their mouths. The excuses are getting so far-fetched it’s almost ridiculous (see: A-Rod’s sob-story about his mysterious cousin). So it’s safe to say that most of these guys are grasping at straws now and the supposedly confidential list of players who tested positive in 2003 is catching a lot of players off guard with it’s slow and deliberate leaking of names. Don’t trust anyone these days. Except maybe Albert Pujols (fingers are crossed).

Phoenix – 1901

I had a good joke to go here, but I forgot to write it down. I really enjoy this song, probably because it reminds me of 1901, which I think was the last year that the Mets were actually relevant.

Guster – One Man Wrecking Machine

Okay, so this is an older song, but what other song can better describe Michael Phelps right now? I dare you to top this one. After all the hoopla surrounding his loss to Paul Biedermann and the Curious Case of the Magic Swimsuit, Phelps responded like a true champion…and left everyone in the dust during the 400-meter medley relay last night. His butterfly leg helped the U.S. team set a world record of 3 minutes and 27.28 seconds in the event and gave Phelps his 5th gold medal in Rome. Don’t accuse him of looking ahead to the 2012 games just yet.

Cold War Kids – Something Is Not Right With Me

Something is not right with Tony Bernazard. The former right-hand man of Mets GM Omar Minaya was fired by the organization this past week after a string of wildly irrational behavior that dates back to last season. The final straw? Taking off his shirt and challenging several players from the Mets minor-league squad in Binghamton to fight. The ray of light that Mets fans can cling to following this latest debacle is that maybe this incident will be what makes the Wilpons consider giving Minaya the axe after this season.

Phoenix – Girlfriend

Dedicated to the recent break-ups in the sports world and the fact that mainstream sports media thinks that we really care about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship anymore than we care about Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian’s relationship. (For the record, both relationships are now over and I could care less about either one of them)

By the way, yesterday was my birthday. Send all gifts in unmarked bills and mail to the address that appears below, in invisible font.


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